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Hi folks,<p>I'm noticing a lot of the newer members getting frustrated by lack of responses. I'll introduce myself as one of the "earlier" members---my wife had a very serious affair that we eventually worked through: it was a lot of soul-searching and pain, but we have restored our marriage over great odds, using the MB guidelines (or rules... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ).<p>Having said that, the forum wasn't here when I started. I personally think that this was a good thing---there are a lot of voices here, and for someone just beginning to try to make sense of their situation, the cacophony can be pretty deafening. Here's what I would suggest to you:<p>1. Read EVERYTHING in the CONCEPTS section. Take your time, and really digest the material. This is the most amazing web site, because all this info is here FREE.<p>2. Read EVERYTHING (all the letters) in the Q&A section. You learn the theories in CONCEPTS. Here you will see Harley apply these in letters to various clients. You may see some seemingly conflicting advice presented, but on the whole, it is very, very consistent. There are hyperlinks sprinkled throughout these letters (thanks, Steve!). Use them if you need a refresher on concepts like Negotiation in Marriage.<p>3. If you have a serious problem that is jeopardizing your marriage, consider giving the MB counseling center a call for an appointment (888-639-1639). Dr. Harley's children, Steve and Jennifer Harley Chalmers do the counseling. They are terrific counselors---while being empathetic, they will set you on your way to developing the skills and a plan for saving your marriage. You will do work. You will report back in. If you want to whine and complain about how horrible your spouse is for an hour---go find a friend to listen to you. If you want to complain about how bad your spouse is to you in 5 minutes and then discuss strategies that YOU can employ to attempt to recover the marriage---they're the ones to call.<p>They care about your marriage, and will do the best job that they can to help you solve your marital issues. I called them within a week of discovering my wife's affair, and it was the single best decision I've ever made in my life (and I make terrific decisions daily [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ).<p>4. If you can't afford the counseling---do it anyway. If you REALLY can't afford it, or if your situation isn't so dire, considering expanding your library at the BOOKSTORE. I'd probably encourage you all to by "Falling in Love, Staying in Love", even though I don't have this book---it sounds like a compendium of Lovebusters, Give and Take, and His Needs/Her Needs---all of which work very well together.<p>5. Finally, when you come here to ask questions, try to frame them using MB language. I think this is valuable because you'll end up attracting people who have read (and hopefully understand) the concepts. You may not get agreement---we've had lively debates here concerning "Radical Honesty", "Physical Attractiveness as a legit need", and several others. But typically, the discussion will be centered around what YOU need to be focused on.<p>God bless---and best of luck in the restoration of your marriage!
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Hi K,<p>This is EXCELLENT!<p>May I be so bold as to tack on some thoughts about posting to the boards, after you've worked through the suggestions K has made?<p> Being realistic:<p>People who post here are generally VULNERABLE, HURTING, and NEEDY. Expect some raw emotions. Generally, it is NOT about YOU, even if they snap. Try not to take things personally. (I have learned this the looooooooooong, hard way - I have been both snapped at, and snappy.) <p>Although there are over two dozen boards to chose among in our forum, the really busy boards are - - General Questions II (Infidelity)
- Emotional Needs (Discussions about the EN's in Harley's books and articles)
- Recovery (from Infidelity)
- Divorce/Divorcing (after all else has failed)
- Preg/Child (as a result of infidelity)
<p>There are a LOT of boards to chose from around here. Although it would be great to go to an area that fits your exact situation, sometimes it's the least active place. For example, "Living Together Before Married" may be right where you are, but that board doesn't get a lot of traffic. If you want lots of responses, one of the busier boards may be your answer.<p>Friday's, weekends and holidays are slow. Don't be disappointed if you receive only a few (or no) responses.<p>If you get only one response, reply to that response. Don't get upset and ignore the one person who DID reach out to you. Sometimes that one person will turn into your greatest supporter.<p>Reply to each and every response you get, if even just to say, "Thanks for dropping by"... One of the most hurtful things you can do is ignore someone who has taken the time to respond to you.<p>Look for QUALITY, not QUANTITY. I personally have had some posts that went over the 100 mark, and although it's sometimes *fun* to see those big ones, some really good stuff gets passed over whilst trying to weed through the rest. <p>Use this board as a practice field for how to treat your spouse. Try to see the person (and the pain) behind the words. <p>I hope this helps some also. K, if you'd like me to remove it and/or begin another thread, I'll be happy to do that. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
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Great Job, K. This is the first of many bumps.
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This is very good!! It should really help newcomers. Let's try to keep it bumped to the top daily!<p>new-beginning: I really like what you wrote, also. It goes a long way in explaining the boards. I am a person that reads a lot on here, but can't always post very often, or even follow up on posts I've done. Just being able to understand the way these boards work has helped me!<p>Blessings to you all!
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K,<p>It's great to see your name. Very good information.
New Beginning, also some great points.
I think the board really needed this. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
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[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] This is really great stuff! I think we should all keep bumping it so that "newbies" can find it right away!
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Great post, K...thanks!<p>I'll add one thing. I think often newcomers are confused by the many sections of the board...I know I was, and there were fewer then. <p>Welcome! You've landed in the Emotional Needs area, which deals primarily with learning how you can learn to meet your partner's Emotional Needs. If you know or suspect you are dealing with an active affair, you may want to post affair-related questions in one of the Infidelity-related areas...you'll get more feedback there from folks in similar situations. <p>Again, let me urge you...Do read ALL the links K so kindly highlighted! And, if you are dealing with an affair, be sure to read the Q&A section on How to Survive Infidelity . Check the bookstore for "Surviving An Affair" as well.<p>Good luck--<p>Kathi
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Hello again,<p>Just as an update, K wrote a note on the boards saying it's a-ok to leave my post too... so... leave it, I will. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Bump!
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K et.al.: Thanks for the post. Bumping up... [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]
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movin up! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>- Dawn
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^^ up for Morton^^^ [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
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Bump, bump, bump all the way
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barrrrrump!<p>
<excuse me> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
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Hello, I am a new member and I did post to a board and someone replied and I didn't respond. The reply was a support message and I just wanted to say that I am sorry for not replying. <p>As was stated emotions are new and raw often. I appreciated the support reply and I want to say that now. Like anything else, learning the ropes is a process and we all make mistakes!!! I love what I am getting here, and I really appreciate the insight into others who have taken the time to share their thoughts.<p>Sometimes it is hard to open up! Thanks to all who have done that and are helping to be voices of reason in the midst of the storm!
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bump for donnaprin<p>[ April 08, 2002: Message edited by: Mike C2 ]</p>
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What a refreshing thread. Thank you K for posting this. It's nice to see a thread about Marriage Building. This is what it is all about.<p>Thanks K.
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^^^bump^^^ [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
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BUMPING... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
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^<p>[ April 10, 2002: Message edited by: kam6318 ]</p>
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bump! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
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Showing my age!!! remember the dance "The Bump?"
BUMP
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K and New Beginning<p>This post will be a great help to those just starting on the "ride" and others, like myself, that seem to be facing another one of the many ups or downs that are part of the ride.<p>I read everything I could here when I found this site, and went to the library and got the books that were suggested. They were all a tremendous help to me. And now that I am entering another stage of this "experience" I am going to go back to those sections that you reminded me of and read them again. I'm sure that I will find things there that will help me in areas of this ride that I am in now. Areas that, at the beginning when the whole world was crashing in on me, I never thought I'd be getting to.<p>Thanks again for the reminder.<p>Mary
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by kam6318:
<strong>Bump^^^!</strong><hr></blockquote>
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Just came across this topic - I am a newbie and am still reading through all the material, so I know I have to learn the lingo. Thanks for the good advice!
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Glad it helped!<p>Bumping again^^^<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
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bump [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
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Upsie-daisy...<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
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[img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 28, 2002: Message edited by: seekingjoy2 ]</p>
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^ [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] ^
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Bump for Where Do I Go From Here [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
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Yeees. This is a great place! Wonderfull to see so many great people sharing their experiences and growing together. Sorry for my strange English. I can be emailed at l_ignacio@mac.com . My special thanks to Ladysing58, SOW22MM, Orchid and thebetrayedone for their support in the last few hours. ^up for you all^ [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
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[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ^^ [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
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Bumpity Bump for new members.
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^ bump because K gives good advice--- and this is a great starter page!!! Let's keep it up top for a while again... Lot's of newbies lately --- and they can use a bit of help!!!
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K
Good job of reaching out to the new ones
I would like to add that it may be of use to hear Harley's voice going over some of his stuff
On the web page, there are recorded (voice) exerpts.
Also, on Wed afternoons, Harley is on his wife's Minneapolis radio show --available on MB website
It helps you add to the flavor of his intervention style and ideas to improve you and your marriage.
Good luck
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Kathi, It's Saturday---shouldn't you be sleeping in??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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Nah, can't sleep. Doesn't look like you are getting your beauty sleep either <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
<small>[ September 07, 2002, 07:50 AM: Message edited by: kam6318 ]</small>
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Hey, I'm so pretty I don't need more than a couple hours (everyone on my wife's side of the family say I look like Harrison Ford... of course, they all wear coke-bottle glasses... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) I'm just warming up the tractor. It's time to go out and get some DF (diesel fulfillment...) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
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well we're moving on up...^
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Blasting off...
<small>[ September 12, 2002, 10:31 AM: Message edited by: kam6318 ]</small>
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newbie stuff 101...
Sorry for unloading earlier... had a lot of stuff on my plate... should have known ahead of time there was a "protocol" to this board, as there is elsewhere. Stupid me -- but nobody's perfect! I really value all the responses in here and realize this is an outstanding place to hang out to save/improve one's marriage. Glad to have (almost) met you all! I am going to try to hang in here and will attempt to be more focused in the future...
john aka "Morpheus"
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Morp--
Don't take this thread being bumped as a response to you, or an indication that you (or anyone else) was doing anything "wrong". We just bump it every so often as does have some very helpful stuff...
Oh, and welcome!
Kathi
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Thanks so much for the welcome Kathi! Ya, know, when you're swimming along and suddenly a big wave sweeps over you and you're suddenly overwhelmed and feel like you may be drowning... that's why I finally decided to log on here... exposing my soul... actually, feel quite encouraged right now... end of day!
I found this site about 5 years ago, when it was a lot smaller, and have spent a lot of time reading the material with my wife... i am sorta of an idealist... wanting the "perfect" marriage and sometimes feel pressured to have it...
Thanks again, John
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up for mindeola <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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^ for the heck of it.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you have a serious problem that is jeopardizing your marriage, consider giving the MB counseling center a call for an appointment (888-639-1639). If you want to whine and complain about how horrible your spouse is for an hour---go find a friend to listen to you. If you want to complain about how bad your spouse is to you in 5 minutes and then discuss strategies that YOU can employ to attempt to recover the marriage---they're the ones to call. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">EXCELLENT POINT!!! BUMP <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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^This is a bump for MannyFlo^
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To the top. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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^ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ^
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♥
<small>[ March 02, 2003, 07:29 AM: Message edited by: kam6318 ]</small>
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up
<small>[ June 01, 2003, 07:26 AM: Message edited by: kam6318 ]</small>
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I'm a newbie and welcome all the wealth of information I can find. Mahalo!
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I'm noticing a lot of people on here getting divorced...Has marriage builders failed them?
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