You are quite right I POSSIBLY made the wrong choice initially when researching the subject and decided to gain knowledge from DB!
The fact you waited from DDAY to June to even seek outside knowledge tells me you POSSIBLY have relied way too much on your own intuition and "plan conflict avoidance" wayyyyyyy too long. It doesn't really surprise me that you choose DB as the system to undertake as it's the least aggressive and easiest to do. They just advise you wait it out and endure the affair (almost as though your spouse has the right to have it) while you detach more and more until, hopefully, you get over her before the eventual divorce. The resistance you received is you still wanted to affect the outcome and passive-aggressively exert influence over the situation. I submit your instincts were correct but your techniques of such PA exertion need refinement.
Another thing DB has done has taught you that forums aren't necessarily correct so hopefully your experience there won't make you hesitant or resistant to what I have to say.
Their principles are very counter-intuitive I received major 2x4�s due to this that said some of the advice I got from those you mention especially how a WW sees her H was almost identical to what I was and continue to experience in my situation, Mr. Nice Guy syndrome is a particular sticking point for me.
All the "Mr. Nice Guy" stuff is such pop pyschology bullcrap. You should know the guy that wrote that (Dr. Glover) had an affair on his first wife, tried to recover, went back to his "soulmate" affair partner and had the epipheny to write that book basically rationalizing and justifying his affairs and divorce (he only married wife #1 because he was supposedly a passive aggressive 'nice guy' - if only he'd been more authentic he wouldn't have ever married her and made that mistake). He then married his soulmate office co-worker and even dedicated his book to her only to divorce her a couple years later again discovering that he'd not really become an authentic man.
Being a nice guy really is ok. Jesus was a pretty nice guy himself.
To be brutally honest as much as I want to apply the strategy�s and am trying my very best I�m getting to the point where I�m pinning all my hopes on the A petering out but at least being her friend and safe place will help IF this happens allowing reconciliation more likely than her falling back in limerence with another!
As with all on any forum (MB, DB or whatever) I�m looking for that magic formula and would love your input and those of the forum especially in my unique situation, I will continue the fight be happy and confident in her presence and NEVER argue as this is all I can do.
A couple questions:
1. Are you particularly religious?
2. Tell me about OM? His marriage status, his wife, his friends, his work and the work that involves your wife, his parents and extended family. What are his weak points?
You say you "at least want to be her friend" but, as difficult as it may be to do, a friend doesn't stand by you just watching you make the biggest mistake of your life. If you kid were 20 years old and smoking crack you wouldn't just continue being their friend and waiting for them to outgrow it. Affairs are kind of the same thing. Your wife is making the biggest mistake of her life and it's very similar to an addiction in that she not very likely to just up and quit someday on her very own. Sure affairs usually end after a couple years but that ending is usually abrupt, precipitated by crisis and the relationship, absent any foundational basis in reality, disintegrates from within. Crack addicts and other drug addicts often get tolerated and appeased for a while by family and friends until they've had enough of them and their behavior and either withdrawal and/or confront (an intervention). When the pain and consequences of continuing the addiction outweigh the benefits of the addiction (the escape - the high) then the addict quits. Plan appeasement provides the addicted wayward spouse a slow fall down into the abyss. The pain and consequences never, on any individual day, cause them near enough to outweigh the uninterrupted and unfettered benefits of the affair.
So while I agree it's pointless to "argue" with a wayward (just as it'd be pointless to argue logically with a crack addict), I think you are confusing arguing with a fear of angering your wayward wife. Any addict/sinner/wayward confronted, even lovingly, over their behavior is going to get an be angry. Afterall, you are interfering with their primary relationship (with the drug of choice or affair partner). No addict thinks long term. The wayward is just like the crack addict and simply worried about the next fix. They often conceive of and want to quit SOMEDAY as they know there is no future in it, but that day will hardly ever come if everyone in their life made continuing TODAY and the NEXT DAY easy.
Basically - you are coming here saying you love your wife, despite her sins and your biblical right to divorce her over her sins and want a plan to save your marriage. Plan A is such a plan. (and if you aren't in Plan B, you're in Plan A as there is no Plan C). Plan A is not the healthiest plan for a betrayed husband. It's hurtful. It drains your remaining love bank for your wife faster than sitting around waiting but it IS proactive and it WILL give you a better chance to either save your marriage OR give you satisfaction that you gave your wife and family it's best shot should you fail and end up "successfully" divorce (a successful divorce is one where you're content with your actions and able to move on without overwhelming bitterness, anger and hatred).
The successful MB men I've seen here and in real life over the years have basically competed with the OM and won their wives back. They've interfered and interrupted the affair to the largest extent they could at any given time without throwing temper tantrums. They exhibited righteous indignation and upset without losing control of their faculties and behaving counter-productively.
You are your wife's husband today. You are tasked with cherishing her and protecting her until your death or until she divorces you and releases you from that covenant with God. As such, you don't sit around being her friend while she destroys herself and your family. You can't beat her over the head and/or tie her up so you've got to be strategic and apply some (or a lot of) game theory to your situation but in the end, you'll win or lose knowing you did your best by her and your kids.
I've got to run again. But I recall reading one post by you on DB where you indicated the your wife was over at your place with the kids and ignored a call from the other man. My thought was that's great. You know OM considers you the greatest threat to his relationship with your wife. You have the upper hand. You have children with the woman and will always have a connection to her. The reason I asked the question above "tell me about OM?" is because I find that often in these situations the easiest person to "attack" covertly is the OM. I don't know the percentage but I'd guess that 80% of the time that these stupid illicit assoulmate type affairs actually come to an end is when the other man ends it. The OM in your situation is/was married with kids. Your wife was his target because she was one of a limited number of women in his vicinity willing to interact, flirt and eventually have a relationship (date/sex) with a married man with kids. Now that his marriage is disintegrating or over - and his relationship with your wife is more real, more costly, more headaches (he has to meet more of her needs) and involves kids that will never respect him and YOU an annoying husband that soon won't go away and leave him alone, suddenly OTHER women - particularly other women with fewer complications become more attractive to him and he ends up cheating on your wife or just dumping her and moving on.
The first rule of recovery is NO CONTACT. It doesn't matter one bit how or why the affair ends just like it doesn't matter how or why the addict stops smoking crack. All that matters to rebuilding relationships is that they do it.
Your wife WILL get angry from time to time over your interference, but your marriage can survive her anger; and, if and when you recover she will never forget how hard and resolutely you fought for her and cherished her (more than any other person will for the rest of her life). *
*contrast that to plan detachment which basically communicates you don't love and cherish her and confirms her belief that you never did.
