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#3001309 11/26/17 06:34 AM
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I am not sure if this belongs in �surviving an affair� or �reconciliation�.

I am a long time lurker. I found this site when I was trying to find a way we could survive this. I read and read and it made so much sense and sounded so much like us. I believed this plan could help. I still do. My problem is my former wayward husband won�t follow it. He knows I am posting here today and has agreed to read the responses. He doesn�t think the plan can help anyone. He thinks it�s all about beating up the person who cheated and nothing about healing or building trust.

Our story is long and complicated so I will be brief unless you need specific details.

He left me for his affair partner and began to rewrite our marriage history long before he walked out the door. He stayed away for 3 years. During this time, he said horrible things like he never really loved me, he felt sorry for me and that�s why we�re married. Our sex life was disgusting. You know the rewrites, he was classic. Everything he said can be found here in anyone�s story. They lived together and were even engaged (he filed for divorce but never followed through). Then one day he called me for pizza. He never asked to come back, just assumed after 3 years that all was fine � probably when I was crying and pathetic which was the first year and a half � but I wasn�t crying anymore. He agreed to the Dr. Harley plan. But whenever I�d mention it, he would get so mad, yelling, name calling etc. His point is, he�s doing nothing wrong so he doesn�t need it. Even telling him it�s a deal breaker for me doesn�t matter to him. He still says the words �I will try� �I will do it� but he never does, he might read one thing here or there but not ever enough to understand the reasons for the plan or how to rebuild. As a result, we�re limping along in a marriage with no sex � which he says is my fault because I can�t let go and if I mention healing now, he rolls his eyes and says he has no trust issues. But I do. I have all these things that need healing.

There is so much more to say but I don�t know where to begin. This is my first post and I don�t know how much to say, I know we need guidance and help. I don�t know where to turn.

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Originally Posted by Yankee22
I am not sure if this belongs in �surviving an affair� or �reconciliation�.

I am a long time lurker. I found this site when I was trying to find a way we could survive this. I read and read and it made so much sense and sounded so much like us. I believed this plan could help. I still do. My problem is my former wayward husband won�t follow it. He knows I am posting here today and has agreed to read the responses. He doesn�t think the plan can help anyone. He thinks it�s all about beating up the person who cheated and nothing about healing or building trust.

Our story is long and complicated so I will be brief unless you need specific details.

He left me for his affair partner and began to rewrite our marriage history long before he walked out the door. He stayed away for 3 years. During this time, he said horrible things like he never really loved me, he felt sorry for me and that�s why we�re married. Our sex life was disgusting. You know the rewrites, he was classic. Everything he said can be found here in anyone�s story. They lived together and were even engaged (he filed for divorce but never followed through). Then one day he called me for pizza. He never asked to come back, just assumed after 3 years that all was fine � probably when I was crying and pathetic which was the first year and a half � but I wasn�t crying anymore. He agreed to the Dr. Harley plan. But whenever I�d mention it, he would get so mad, yelling, name calling etc. His point is, he�s doing nothing wrong so he doesn�t need it. Even telling him it�s a deal breaker for me doesn�t matter to him. He still says the words �I will try� �I will do it� but he never does, he might read one thing here or there but not ever enough to understand the reasons for the plan or how to rebuild. As a result, we�re limping along in a marriage with no sex � which he says is my fault because I can�t let go and if I mention healing now, he rolls his eyes and says he has no trust issues. But I do. I have all these things that need healing.

There is so much more to say but I don�t know where to begin. This is my first post and I don�t know how much to say, I know we need guidance and help. I don�t know where to turn.
Welcome to MB.

Briefly, because I am just leaving the house:

You are quite right to make his doing the Marriage Builders programme a deal-breaker for you. However, the concept of a "deal-breaker" means that you must follow through and separate from your husband if he does not fulfil the deal. You can give him a last chance if you want, but you must follow through and get him to move out if he carries on deflecting, as he has been doing.

I think you need to put him in direct touch with Dr Harley. Ask him to speak to Dr Harley on the radio show. After that, I suggest you sign up for the MB online programme. He needs an MB coach, supervised by Dr Harley, to hold his feet to the fire.

Someone will be along with the radio show details later, I'm sure. Don't settle for your email being read out, or being answered in private; your husband needs to speak directly to Dr Harley.

This is a horrible situation to be in. It will make you ill if you stay in it much longer. You need to get out of it, urgently.


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How did he meet the OW? Are they still in contact? Was his affair ever exposed? Do you have children? Do they know about their father�s affair?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Yankee22
Even telling him it�s a deal breaker for me doesn�t matter to him. He still says the words �I will try� �I will do it� but he never does,

Hi Yankee, welcome to Marriage Builders. You are correct, this is a deal breaker and you should plan to separate. There is nothing here to save if he won't follow this program and you are much better off without him.

I would give him an opportunity to start doing the program TODAY and if he won't, then ask him to move out.

We can save your marriage, but only if he is willing to do everything in his power to recover your marriage.

Quote
we�re limping along in a marriage with no sex � which he says is my fault because I can�t let go and if I mention healing now, he rolls his eyes and says he has no trust issues. But I do. I have all these things that need healing.

Of course you would limp along in a crippled marriage if there is no plan to fix the marriage. It seems pretty obvious he is just using you until he finds another affair and has no intention of saving your marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Some questions:

1. are you married? how long?

2. any children? ages?

3. have either of you had affairs in the past?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I apologize for not responding sooner, I am under the weather with a health condition and rest alot lately.

To answer your questions:

We've been married for 10 years, we have no children though we did try just before the affair, fertility treatments, miscarriage etc - it's related to my health condition which I didn't know I had.

I have never had an affair and as far as I know he didn't either.

They met in AA, though I think they already had known each other before sobriety or at least crossed paths. They talked about their spouse issues and one thing led to another. She was very relentless about him leaving me, even told lies about me to help the divorce happen. She was divorced because of the affair. It was her ex husband who told me and provided proof. She has gotten married since he left her. As far as I know he has no contact with her at all. But we have never had even one heart to heart about any of this. I've tried but it turns into him getting angry about being beaten up. We also had a lot of people get involved in our separation.. mostly friends of hers telling me things like I wasn't the person being torn apart by it - how he felt about me (which wasn't good things) and how he talked bad about me all the time being not good enough as a wife etc etc etc.. you know it's all the classic stuff I've read here. Which is why I felt I found people who "get it".

I didn't keep what he was doing a secret. I told everyone what he was doing, I followed the advice I read here about exposure. Of course with reconciling (I really believed he wasn't coming back anyway) people knowing hasn't been helpful. Someone even saw him out since he's been back and they asked him if it was ok to tell me they saw him and where. So.. we don't seem to have a whole lot of support. Someone even told me I shouldn't have told anyone at all because now they won't see our marriage the same. I wasn't thinking about that when I exposed. I wasn't going to let him lie about the reasons we were divorcing.

He read the responses here and wants to be in touch with Dr Harley, he has asked how he can do that or get an MB Coach. He said he's very interested in that.

Thank you all so much.

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The worst isn't even the cheating, it's the hurtful words. It's thinking I had one marriage and finding out I didn't have that marriage at all. It's being told he never loved me in the first place and didn't want to marry me. I don't know why he's back. I've said so even. That too makes him angry and he doesn't get why "I made a mistake" isn't enough to make that heal or go away. He was going to marry her (tho he says he wouldn't have I am skeptical- she even had an engagement ring). So I don't know how I was supposed to just "heal" and get over it this way.

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Originally Posted by Yankee22
Someone even told me I shouldn't have told anyone at all because now they won't see our marriage the same. I wasn't thinking about that when I exposed. I wasn't going to let him lie about the reasons we were divorcing.

He read the responses here and wants to be in touch with Dr Harley, he has asked how he can do that or get an MB Coach. He said he's very interested in that.

Yankee, you should write Dr Harley yourself and tell him about your situation. Email him at mbradio@marriagbuilders.com. That is his radio show. Include your phone # so he or Joyce can call you to get more information about your situation.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
I would give him an opportunity to start doing the program TODAY and if he won't, then ask him to move out.

I second this advice. Usually, the wayward husband will come back contrite. The fact that he doesn't seem even remotely remorseful is ringing alarm bells.


Remarried 7/16
Thanks MB!

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