Hi indiegirl,

I don't feel tough. In fact today after small group meeting, I was scared to the point that it was even hard to talk to the group leader/my counselor, about directions to the vocational rehab building - the two places just happen to be in the same town about 35 miles from where I live. I couldn't come out with a complete sentence. I felt like a small child asking for help and not knowing how to word it. And then once I got to the center, I had to sit in my car, breathe deep and pray before I was even able to walk in. Everything felt awkward and out of balance as I approached the desk. Thankfully she was understanding & kind and helped me through my rough spots. But I did get the paperwork filled out & have an appointment for the 1st of February. Now I'm stuck with the fact that H wants me to go back and lie about my address so he can keep up a lie that has pushed me away from him for years. I need strength to be able to deal with him and figure out "how" to deal with him. Judging from what I'm used to out of him, I expect him to ride me until he thinks everything is safe with his past/present lies. That is one thing I cannot stand about him. It doesn't bother him to lie to get what he wants. Other than his abuse & controlling personality. I'm trying just to figure out a way to relax for the evening, knowing he will be to deal with again tomorrow.

My counselor said Monday, that basically I am in "survival mode" right now. Which does not help my anxiety disorder - that is probably why I'm losing so much weight. I've dropped from 142lbs on the 1st of Dec to 134lbs now...and my energy level is high due to the stress. It takes a lot of hard work to make sure I eat enough to stay healthy & take extra magnesium & cod liver oil to provide my body with what it takes to keep me functioning. I am in no way unhappy with the thought of being without him, and no man has crossed my mind. Just surviving him until I can survive without having to live under the same roof.

As for RMW...it's simply what my initials were at the time I went to a MARRIAGE BUILDERS seminar back in 2003 when I became a member of the follow-up weekend group. Even though my initials have changed, they stayed the same on the board.

It's the people who ignore how they feel and go forward anyway who are the toughest people of all.

Thanks indiegirl. Hopefully after enough of the "tough" gets practiced, I can learn to connect with people around here in a more "balanced" way.

Found an X Vidios on H's phone last night while he was out talking to one of his friends. Took pics of the app, opened it up and got a full shot of the description inside & pics of the videos offered. He can't argue that it wasn't there. Guess him getting angry about me finding the dvds didn't shake him. He doesn't know about the pics I took of them & the content of them to go along with everything else.
Keeping & don't allow my phone to be subject to his opening. If I'm out of the room he is in, w my phone, it isn't long enough for him to go through it.

Thought it was kind of funny that last night after finding the app, when the page it was on popped up during working on phone w a Samsung representative, he struggled to get the page out of view as,quickly as,possible by whatever means possible, and then couldn't understand what the rep was,telling him to do to the phone. He never took his phone out to blow the lot before even though he always left it away from me. Today he made,sure he kept it in his pocket while blowing the lot...

Asking again, do you have access to cloud storage to save this and other evidence? You can also mail evidence to a secure e-mail account.

On yes. It's already backed up in cloud. Guess I'd have to build another gmail to be able to send it to one of those. My phone is the only thing I have access to. I'll look into that. Thanks!

Hi RMW, after almost two months, I logged in and saw your reply to my thread. Hope all is well with you.

Hi Candy_Crusher,

Are you still out there? I haven't been on here for quite some time, but I've wondered about you lots. Can't say I've made the progress I would have liked to see, other than learning to hold onto myself as a person regardless of other's behavior. I'm about to get up with my oldest brother to see how much he knows about a couple of things and get back to planning that ended up on halt last year with lots of my stuff in storage at my son's house. I had to go back & get some of it because I couldn't wear much of what I had. The halt came when H ended up in the hospital with a heart attack...repeated by two more (from his drinking) and then finding out he is diabetic & to top it off, him filing for bankruptcy. Thankfully my name isn't on anything that has to do with his credit, so mine is still up in the 700's range.
Reading back over all I've been through (my memory isn't what it used to be), and finding porn movies earlier in the week, plus his threat of divorce again in January when I was away, waiting for my uncle to pass - it all seems to look like a repeat pattern, regardless of anything else.
Hopefully, I can get my body back in better shape and keep my mind calm enough to keep things rolling.
At least I have used the time in a way to become less emotionally dependent on him and his behavior doesn't affect me the way it used to. If he died today from not taking care of himself, my only issue is making enough money to keep an entire household going on my own.
Just have to stay focused and learn to listen to the facts happening around me rather than believing God will change him if I stay faithful in my prayers.
Definitely don't want to leave enough time for him to be able to throw things back at me. And now, he has charge over every single dime that comes in. Not a healthy environment for sure, even if it is what I learned to expect while I was growing up.
Still lots to learn about healthy relationships - don't trust anyone in my family on that one for sure! I've learned to control my seizures w/o meds only since I've been away from them for so long.
Ugh......lots to think through with less emotion pushing me.

RMW

How are you now? I wish you have a happier life.

Hi nebulae,
I finally left about a week and a half ago - for good this time. I've managed to get as much of my stuff as possible
It's in storage at a female friend's house.
I'm living in my brother's house right now. His wife passed away two years ago, so there is no problem with my being here so far. It's a little crowded with him letting others store things here & not being able to pull my clothes out other than three sweatsuits I have, at least for now. But thankfully, I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in rather than being on the street.
I'm still recovering from a wreck I was in on Dec 4, they said it could take 8 to 12 weeks for my 27 fractures to heal. Most of them were in my right hip, my tailbone, and my face. I had to have surgery on my face & three metal plates put in to keep my bones together around my left eye.
I'm under lots of stress and anxiety is a real big factor due to financial situations...no money coming in & only 1100 left in the bank. I've finally made it to where i can walk without a walker, & most of the time without a limp.
I'm tired lots of the time due to recovery & stress of figuring out just what to do from day to day trying to improve my life. Unless God sends some miracle money, the stress will just keep getting worse. The landlord said she would write the check out to me & just put his name on the bottom somewhere, but until it shows up at the address in the box, I can't just "count on that". Although it would help tremendously. At least my brother said he would pay the deductible for a gash to be fixed on my vehicle - but I still have to get rid of it as soon as possible, because I don't have the money to keep up the payments. Prayerfully it will sell before the end of the month & I can get enough money out of it to buy an older car, & pay for it outright rather than making payments. I'm looking into all the resources my counselor has given me to help with food & medical/dental care for free since I have no income yet.
I'm just trying to keep my mind as clear as possible & figure out each day what i need to do to improve my life. I'm trying to figure out what I want to do as a career that my body & mind will hold up under. Hopefully it will come sooner than my mind keeps trying to tell me. With so many factors at one time to deal with, it definitely makes me tired, more so than usual. But I'm having to learn that rest is just as important as everything else, otherwise I can't heal emotionally or physically. Prayers please - I need all the help I can get.
Thanks for asking about me.
RMW

Hi B,
I was online a few days ago looking around, and I looked at "who's online now" it showed RMW was online.
I was not on MB for over 10 years, decided to get back on a little bit. Not many here these days from the era when you and I started posting.

I wondered how you are doing.
Completely recovered from accident?
Working a good job that you enjoy and where they treat you well?
Credit rating back up to 850?

We hope you are not just OK, but much better than that.
Would love an update if you feel like talking.
If not, you can ignore this and it will just fade away.

SS