I have said something like that to her living well, but it has been addressed on her end.She simple chooses not to address it.

You misinterpret what I mean by taking responsibility. She doesn�t say to me or herself �what can I do to strengthen this marriage?�

Jdreaux, I would re-send your email and even email the mods and ask them to send it. It might be going to their spam box.

Did you read this?

So when you told her you had taking ownership of your own decision to sacrifice and that you had got yourself into that mess all alone, she just stared at you in silence?

I'm having a hard time believing that.

Well we are married, so we are in the mess together. When I said that I made mistakes, and listed some to her which included having to give. Then I mentioned I want us to do better at our marriage, I told her I need to know what she needed me do. In turn I asked her for things I needed from her. We discussed and had a plan. The next and following week she seemed to forget the plan. I kept up with what she needed me to do. But then came love buster and then another. I kept up still. But it�s tiring. She won�t take the ownership that I need her help.

I agree that you need to stop trying to educate her. Your efforts to do so will only result in further lovebusting. To the extent that the suggestions given here are, in fact, still efforts to educate her, I would not do that. Rather, you need to try to understand her perspective. I doubt she thinks you have sacrificed. More likely, she thinks you are nitpicking and tedious, and welcomed the refrain from this behavior that your �sacrifice� represented.

It would be great to here your wife�s perspective.

Please explain to me how I am educating her. I do not see what I�m doing and how I�m doing this.

Here you go:


I recommend you skip that intro, it is not attractive to a reluctant spouse.


There was no 'having to give'. You decided to go that route. Do you even know what her top emotional needs are? She may not even want the things you are doing for her.


Drop the 'us'. YOU want to do better at your marriage. What she wants is up to her.


Why are you back on that again? She must be going nuts.


That was because she was not actually committed to the plan in the first place. I bet this was stuff you told her to do and she agreed because she was fed up with discussing it. Then, because she was not genuinely enthusiastic, she quietly dropped the plan. Negotiating needs to wait until your marriage is far stronger than it is now.


So?


Love busters will quickly undo any deposits. You must eliminate your love busters entirely and make complaints the proper way about hers.


Why should she take ownership of something she did not do? Stop beating her up!

Because you expect her to do an equal share. You behave as though you know what is right, and she doesn't.

This kind of attitude is galling to a reluctant spouse and insuferably self-righteous. If she wanted to play an equal part, she would suggest it herself and follow through with it.

You may feel justified and within the bounds of reason, but you are lecturing her on what she should do "because we are married", even if her sense of duty agreed with you, her heart won't- can't.

It's exactly this attitude "when you are married to me I can assume you are tied to me" that kills any sense of fun or romance.

You will get much better results by focusing on being confident, flirtatious, twinkly, patient, relaxed, solicitious, jokey. Goodness, any style at all besides having dry, dutiful relationship conversations. People in successful relationships don't have them at all! Negotiations are brief, pleasant and fun. They stop at the first sign of reluctance without any finger wagging and in any case they must wait until everyone involved is loved up and motivated.

Living well and indie girl that did not explain how I educate her. We were actually discussing Dr. Harley�s principles. I know it�s all semantics on your end and i understand how people on another computer screen can misunderstand.

You should be understanding and listen first. Ask questions, translate late what they are saying. People pour themselves out, exposed, vulnerable, and in crisis on this forum. Berating people, and shaming them is no way to talk to people.

Thank you for your time

Do you converse with your wife in the same manner as you just did in this post? If so, you have just answered your own question.

Successful relationships are not achieved by telling others what to do. The only person you will be able to effect this way is yourself. Nobody else is going to listen.

This is why I told you to make an effort to understand your wife�s perspective. If you understand where she is coming from, there is hope of finding common ground. You achieve nothing by painting her as the bad guy.

Please help me. I need more educating on this matter. As long as you are discussing Dr Harleys principles I have no problem with being lectured to. It's for my own good. Really.



Sorry JD I couldn't help myself....its affectionate teasing I promise.