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By the way, what is O&H you mentioned several times? O&H = Openness & Honesty
BH (me) 50, WxW 47
Married 1994
D-day, plan A, & exposure Jan 2017
Divorced Nov 2017
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Yes, got married January 2017, but he got debilitating arthritis shortly before that, so his attitude and willingness to do things in the house or with the kids is almost shot. Everything is a negotiation, even putting his plates up. And half the time we�re stuck at the default of do nothing because how much negotiation can I do with someone who would prefer to be left alone. I can imagine how painful arthritis can be and I didn�t think it would bother me to do the lions share of the housework and responsiblity all but I don�t have the energy I used to and I�ve gotten resentful and so have the kids.
We are working on UA for now but I don�t know if we can make it. He plugged up the LBs finally so that�s one positive sign. He had a big tirade about my YD when we thought she was out but she was here and heard it and I can�t undo that. His son doesn�t know yet so he�s still here the days he has him. I�m sorry it took me so long to come back but I wanted to wait until I was feeling some hope.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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I am sorry things are not working out the way you envisioned. I do not like that he was bad mouthing your YD and that she overheard it. Did you talk to her about it?
My xBF was always hyper critical of my son. My son never talked back to him, but began resenting him for all his nonsense judgement, criticism, and verbal abuse, all of which, in retrospect, was xBF's attempt to control everything (and also it was simply due to his explosive personality - he cannot control his emotions, which is ironic as he LOVES to control other people and yet he cannot control his own irritation).
What are you two doing to fall back in love? You do not think you can save the marriage?
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Yes she told me the next morning and I was so horrified. I had already talked to him about anger management and he�s gone twice but it hadn�t kicked in yet at that point. I talked to YD at length that those things are not how I see her and I am very proud of the thoughtful young lady she has become. That AOs are not acceptable and I will not make her stay here she can spend more time at her Dad�s. But that�s not a good long term solution she should be able to be at home here too. She is back here on here regular schedule for now, 2 weeks here 2 weeks with her Dad but she says if DH is still here she�s moving to her Dad when she turns 17 in April.
I showed DH I�m HNHN for Parents how sometimes with stepkids you need to live in 2 houses if the child isn�t not enthusiastic but DH didn�t read it and doesn�t want to do that. So that makes my decision difficult I can try short term but that�s all. What we are doing for now is eliminating LBs and getting 4 hour dates outside the house.
HNHN for parents gives purpose to FC time- to teach the kids thoughtfulness. It is wonderful you were able to instill that even in a difficult circumstance. I�m sorry your Xbf worked opposite to that.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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I will not make her stay here she can spend more time at her Dad’s. But that’s not a good long term solution she should be able to be at home here too. She is back here on here regular schedule for now, 2 weeks here 2 weeks with her Dad but she says if DH is still here she’s moving to her Dad when she turns 17 in April. It sounds like you are risking your relationship with your teenage daughter for a marriage that has a very low chance of being successful, NED. Have you considered asking Dr Harley for advice?
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I will not make her stay here she can spend more time at her Dad’s. But that’s not a good long term solution she should be able to be at home here too. She is back here on here regular schedule for now, 2 weeks here 2 weeks with her Dad but she says if DH is still here she’s moving to her Dad when she turns 17 in April. It sounds like you are risking your relationship with your teenage daughter for a marriage that has a very low chance of being successful, NED. Have you considered asking Dr Harley for advice? I so agree with SusieQ. I also second that you should write Dr. Harley.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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NED, your situation sounds so similar to what I went through over the past several years. Clearly you two are married, and I wasn't, which is a big difference, but I feel your daughter's pain. Angry outburst is such a love buster. I do not believe your husband can easily change that unfortunately. My xBF had one of the worst AO I have seen. He has gone to the anger management class too and claimed "I'm all in control" but he kept destroying all relationships - not only with my son and with me - but with his own family members, best friends, neighbors, co workers..... men and women, it really does not matter. He cannot control his anger and just snaps. I hope your husband's temper is not as bad, but it is not an easy fix. I hope he has enough sense and maturity to see the damage he has done to your daughter and relationship with you but often times people with bad temper justify their behaviors and anger. As others suggest, I think talking to Dr. Harley is a great idea.
I am sorry but I am not very familiar with all the acronyms. DH is your current husband or Divorced Husband, i.e., your exH? HNHN and FC?
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DH is my current husband, HNHN is His Needs Her Needs book, and FC is Family Commitment time. I am thinking I should talk to DH about writing Dr. H together, like maybe there is still some hope there. I am hoping trying from 2 houses, because YD is with me only halftime anyway, would give me a chance both to be with DD and try in my marriage.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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DH is my current husband, HNHN is His Needs Her Needs book, and FC is Family Commitment time. I am thinking I should talk to DH about writing Dr. H together, like maybe there is still some hope there. I am hoping trying from 2 houses, because YD is with me only halftime anyway, would give me a chance both to be with DD and try in my marriage. Why do you want to write it together when you need to be asking what "you" should do? If he wants to take the initiative to try and fix his marriage let that be on him, but to me this just seems like another thing you're trying to "do for him".
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I am thinking I should talk to DH about writing Dr. H together, like maybe there is still some hope there. All right, so I'm going to be very blunt with you here. Because I've found over the years of posting here on MB that that is the only way to get through to people, particularly people who are in a fog. You admitted yourself earlier in the thread that you are foggy when it comes to this man, because your family, your daughter and people on this forum were warning you about this guy - not to mention you ignored Dr Harley's advice when it comes to single mothers staying single after divorce, emphasizing the need to keep your children away from further trauma after they have already experienced the misery of their family being broken apart. No, do not include your H in this email to Dr Harley. That is the last thing you want to do if you want Dr Harley to have an accurate picture of what is happening. Your H sounds mean and nasty, and the fact that he has AO's and takes his anger and disrespect out on your child is ALARMING. The fact that she is telling you she is preparing to move full-time to her father's is ALARMING. I have a dear friend who went through something similar to what your DD is going through with her mother and it permanently damaged their relationship and it hurt her deeply as a person. If it looks to me, an outsider, like you are putting a bad marriage ahead of your child's welfare, then I am sure your daughter is feeling that too. I hope you write to Dr Harley ASAP, without your H's input.
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Brain, Susie, I get you. It�s the same thing my OD has been telling me from before the marriage. So if I let DH know this weekend that I�m going ahead and filing, do you still recommend to write to Dr. H? I have written to him before when I was all confused but I get what you�re saying there taking action will remove that confusion.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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I was unable to get his to move out so far. Here's my letter I sent to Dr. H, I'll let you know what he advises. Thanks for the suggestion. Dear Dr. Harley,
I had another question on the board and the posters suggested I check in with you for your insight. I have been an active member on the MB forum since 2005, I post as NewEveryDay over there. I tried to save my first marriage, but my ex's drinking made it impossible to resolve our other issues together.
When I started dating my second husband, the board cautioned me that you advise single mothers staying single after divorce, and to hold off remarrying until after the kids are grown. But I had thought I had found an exception. I found someone I thought was a real man of character and would be an asset in raising my family, and got married January 2017. My kids, who are 16 and 21, had cautioned me that they were not close with him, but I thought we would all blend once we were in one home after getting married. We did not live together before getting married. My husband also has an 8 year old son who I get along well with who is here 2 days a week and every other weekend.
My husband had a few angry outbursts before getting married, but assured me he was sorry and it would not happen again. Over the last year, he had a few angry outbursts again, so I asked him to do anger management, the way I had seen recommended on the board. We have had a few other issues as well. He got severe arthritis shortly before we married, so his attitude and willingness to do things in the house or with the kids is almost shot. Everything is a negotiation. And half the time we�re stuck at the default of do nothing because how much negotiation can I do with someone who would prefer to be left alone. I can imagine how painful arthritis can be and I didn�t think it would bother me to do the lions share of the housework and responsibility and all but I�ve gotten resentful and so have my kids.
He had a big tirade a month ago about my 16 year old daughter when we thought she was out of the house. But she was here and heard it and I can�t undo that, so I asked for separation while the anger management kicks in. She says she wants to go stay with her father full-time instead of 50 50 custody we were doing. She went to stay with her father full-time this summer also, but I had her come back to 50 50 for the school year. His son doesn�t know so my husband are still here the days he has his son, but at his mother the other days.
I showed my husband the chapter in his Needs her Needs for Parents, which talks how sometimes with stepkids you need to live in 2 houses if the child isn�t not enthusiastic, but he didn�t read it and doesn�t want to do that. What we are doing for now is eliminating LBs and getting UA time outside the house. He plugged up the Love Busters finally and is negotiating again so that�s one positive sign.
What would you advise? Is it worth trying to make a short term marriage work, when my daughter?
Thanks,
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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They answered my letter today in the first 2 segments. I feel so much more clear and empowered now and am so grateful they answered. You can listen to a replay of today�s show by going to our website: www.marriagebuilders.com. On the homepage click the tab �Rebroadcast� or �Listen Now.� Or you can listen on your Marriage Builders App.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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They answered my letter today in the first 2 segments. I feel so much more clear and empowered now and am so grateful they answered. You can listen to a replay of today�s show by going to our website: www.marriagebuilders.com. On the homepage click the tab �Rebroadcast� or �Listen Now.� Or you can listen on your Marriage Builders App. That�s wonderful. I haven�t had a chance to listen. What did they say?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Brain, first thing was to go to my YD and ask her, what would she advise, because she is the most important thing to me. And to stay separated until YD is grown and out of the house. He went further, using the example of the family in HNHN for Parents where the stepdaughter cut up the stepmother's clothes in her closet, that this is the same advice he would give even when there are no AOs, and even when the stepchild is a problem child.
He went on to say that all good things should come from the stepparent, and the discipline comes from the natural parent. As with an intact family, gifts and discipline fall under POJA.
They also said DH should apologize to YD. That it may not resolve the situation, but it is still worth doing. To hear from DH what he would like to say, and then I could add to that. They gave some great wording to include. And then suggested following up with the Love Busters book and HNHN for Parents.
I wish I had given her my phone information too. They offered to do a phase 2 for any followup questions.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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I knew I was doing the right thing to separate but my IC/MC was saying to reconcile as soon as possible so it is good to feel validated in waiting until YD is comfortable. Even if that means when she goes away for college.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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I knew I was doing the right thing to separate but my IC/MC was saying to reconcile as soon as possible so it is good to feel validated in waiting until YD is comfortable. Even if that means when she goes away for college. Have you had a chance to talk to DD16 yet? Have you asked him to move out permanently? Have you filed for D?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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They answered my letter today in the first 2 segments. They spoke about your situation beyond the two segments, in case you didn't finish listening to the show. They discussed your H apologizing to your DD. Did you hear that part? It ended with Dr Harley saying something along the lines of, if your H is unwilling to apologize to your DD for his treatment of her that Dr Harley wouldn't have much hope for this situation.
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Oh I'm sorry I didn't see that you followed up with the apology part. Is your H willing to apologize?
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