Are you going to separate now? Is your H moving out?

I'm learning a lot from your experience and advice from Dr. Harley. Did your H apologize to your YD?

I emailed DH the information for recording to listen to this weekend, and we spoke on the phone yesterday while I was away. He did not respond well. He was angry and said Dr. H is biased towards women. I forgot to put in the letter that we were separated but that DH had come back a week ago and didn't agree to leave this week when YD is here.

I got back in late last night from the trip to visit OD, and we talked this morning. I told him I undersatnd that he did not agree with the recording, but that it reflected very much how I felt and what I have said to him before about needing to stay separated until YD is enthusiastic again. He said he'd need some time to find a new place. He'll be out of town next week, taking his mom on a trip, but will look after that. I'm hesitant to go ahead and file now if he will move out. But I don't think he understands I can't just have YD stay at her Dad's indefinitely. I'm thinking to see if I can get a monthly rental for this month, and next if needed, remove myself from the situation.

Susie, I asked him again this morning to apologize to YD, and he said he meant everything he said. Even if he does think YD is a problem, it still would have said a lot to her and to me if he had apologized. Dr. H's plan, to separate again, work on the love busters book together, and apologize to YD is the best shot we have.

I forgot to say, I called YD and ask her what does she want, if she can have anything she wants. She just wants him not there the weeks she's there. She would like if she saw him if he would act like the renter at her Dad's house, a friend of OD. He brings her food sometimes, and asks how her day is. She asked what would I do if it was just me and not her taht I was making a decision for. I reminded her we're talking here about what does she need and what does she want. But if it was me alone I'd go stay with my brother, but I know it's too far from her school for her. That I'm thinking to see if I can get a monthly rental for this month, would she want to come stay with me there or would it be more disruption? She said she would like it.

DH came to me this morning and said he'd be out by May 1. His and DDS's stuff is already for the most part still packed up in boxes. He said we would file at that time. This is a timeline I can live with. I called my brother, I am going to go stay with them this week. He said I can stay with them as long as I need. Not that I can't be alone, because I'll be fine. I also emailed 2 places on Craigslist for a short term lease and are waiting for them to get back to me.

Silly women! Wanting to prioritise their parenting responsibities and having an issue with their children being insulted in their own home.

You need to stop waiting around for his permission and start putting your DD first. MOVE him out. It is easily done and he doesn't need to understand why. It is actually preferable you do it this way.

Because;
A) It reassures your daughter that you have her back. Running to your husband asking for permission to parent her your way, under your roof is not reassuring to her. In her shoes I would have a problem with him based solely on the control you give him. She will always have a problem with him as long as he is the one in control instead of you.
1)After moving him out apologise to her for moving someone in against her wishes and reiterate that it won't happen again. Apologise for being wrong - its a good example for kids and inspires confidence.
2)Spend absolutely scads of time with her.
B)It shows your husband that this is your deal breaker. That he needs to straighten up and fly right around your kids if he's ever going to get even the teeniest tiniest bit of your attention ever again.

Take the wheel here.

Let me get this straight. You can be out within the week, but it's going to take your husband TWO MONTHS and you're the one bending yourself into a pretzel making arrangements so he's not put out?

Agree with all of this x100.

Ugs.

Your H is lucky he is not married to me. He wouldn't even get a chance to apologize. He would be done. HIs stuff would be in the driveway and the locks would be changed.

Is your name on the mortgage or both?

Yep.

Ned you have raised a wonderful, empathetic and considerate girl here who is trying to be far too responsible. She doesn't need to decide anything here because of course her mother will protect her from disrespect and callousness.

Indie, Brain, Susie, markos, thanks for your posts, I read them yesterday and I called DH last night and told him I have no reason to wait until May 1 to file, I will draw up the papers tomorrow and send it to him to review. We have a simple dissolution process for when it's uncontested and no one is asking for maintenance or a hearing, that goes through in 4 weeks. I have a prepaid legal plan from work if he wants to run it by someone representing him. I already talked to my divorce attorney friend and she recommended this as the fastest way.

He called me back 2 hours later and told me he is sorry and I was right yesterday about separating instead of divorce. That he sees how hateful he's been and he is going to do the work to change. That he sees my mind is made up but wants me to consider it. I am so sad that this comes now after he burned all the bridges. I went into way too much detail that even if we wait until YD leaves home to try again, that this is no way to raise DSS, with that hatefulness. And I don't deserve that either.

I called DH this morning and let him know I thought on it and told him I'd be willing to separate instead of divorce if he (1) signed a post nup, because I had asked for a prenup back before we married and he had wouldn't (2) Reviewed the list of the changes in action that I need and let me know his plan of action. I was honest with him, that I have given him the benefit of the doubt and have been proven wrong time and time again, and at this point I have no way to know whether he even means what he says about being sorry and willingness to change. That I do not believe in him nor in us at this point. I am willing to try separation under these conditions only to honor my vows.

I asked him again that if he is trying to give this a chance, that when he comes back from his trip next week, to go stay with his mom so I can have YD back, I already gave up this week with her because she doesn't want to be here when he's here. He said he had a falling out with his mom the last time he was there. He talks to her the same disrespectful way he had been with me, "You're going to have lunch ready for when we get there at 1, right?" instead of offering to help make lunch. I'm not surprised.

I doubt he would be willing to sign a post nup, he had balked before, so I'm preparing my paperwork today and will give it to him to review. Including the quit claim deed. The mortgage is in my name only. I had told him about that last night and he had agreed. My plan longer term is to rent out the house for extra income and buy a nice 2 bedroom condo for me and YD.

YD told her Dad yesterday like this was her fault. I called her and made plans to take her to dinner tonight. I apologized for asking her so many times to keep trying and and grateful for how she's been very supportive even against her better judgment. I explained it's natural for kids to feel like this is their fault, but it never is. Dh and I are just very different with different values.

Superb. *kisses fingers at the chef*


This is your problem how? He can stay wherever he likes as long as its someplace else!

Honestly, the nerve! He should be grateful he's getting any notice at all after all the AOs.

I think he will hang around like a bad smell paying lip service when necessary and waiting for you to 'get over it'. You'll need to move him out yourself.


It really has nothing to do with her. Even without any of the children present he's an unpleasant, dismissive and angry husband to you.

I hear you. For all I know he could have been rude to her on purpose because he thought once he was back in the house it would go back to status quo. I got my paperwork together today to give him this afternoon all we need to do is get our signatures notarized and I can file.

I did explain that to her, that his AOs would have been an issue even if it was me alone. Dr. H said that too that separation was the right course.

NED, I think the most important thing is getting him out of the house. Once he's out you can file paperwork. Can you move his stuff out now or in the next few days? Just get him out.

I agree!! Especially when you�re the only one on the mortgage.

Susie, Brain, if it was just him I would, but he has his son here this weekend. He will be out of the country next week and does not have his son that weekend. He is not on the mortgage but his name is on the house, that's why I gave him the fining paperwork to review. This is the email I want to send but it sounds like the approach is very different than yours.

I'm not sure how his getting time with his son is your problem?!

DSS is 8 and I don�t want to make things unstable for him. DD already stayed at her Dad�s this week and I�ll be back at the house when she comes back Monday.