Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 19 1 2 3 18 19
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 127
C
CYk752 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 127
I wish I had found this place sooner.
My wife wants a divorce and our situation has gone from bad to worse to terrible.
My wife and I have been together for 10 years married 4 years this June. She's 30 I'm 34. We've had plenty of arguments over the last several years we bought a house together that we have been remodeling which has added more stress to us. This last year a big issue for her has been my work schedule, I'm a restaurant manager so my days are long and our time together had severely diminished. Although I recently got a new assistant manager so my schedule has vastly improved since February.
I know I had been cutting myself off from daily marriage and focusing on my job and working on the house which is not where I should have been putting my attention.
In the end of February my wife came to me about us finally having children and planing on what that would look like. Needles to say I was ecstatic. I felt as though our issues were going away and we were getting better. But how wrong I was.
The next week she left for a work conference and I had a feeling something was off talking with her. She was only gone a couple days but when she got home our first morning together I went through her phone. I saw a text exchange she had with another man about how much she missed him and couldn't stop thinking about him. I was devastated, angry and hurt. I left immediately went for a 2 hour drive and got more pissed and went to work. I later texted her that I wanted to talk with her when I got home asking her if she'd go out that night. She said she wanted to talk as well and I asked what about. She informed me through text that she wanted an open marriage and it was something she was thinking about for awhile. I called baffled and got into an argument hung up and went about the day. I confronted her that night about the text I saw and she admitted that yes her first day there she met a guy who lives a couple towns away and they hit it off and she did go to his room but only kissed and couldn't go through with more.
She than asked for a separation so she could see what else is out there and if we should be together.
At her request I found us a marriage counselor (who turned out to be no good) she said right from the get go that we should separate and my wife should not see anyone but should explore what she wants in life. Wow horrible advice.
We continued mainly individual sessions with only a few couple sessions as she liked her and didn't want to find another counselor.
She told me time and time again that she broke it off with the other guy but I found out it wasn't true and drunk one night she told me she didn't end it.
I tried to completely back off. Going out on my own leaving her alone and reading as many marriage saving books as I could. I realized that as hurt as I was I can't be mad at her and I desperately want to save our marriage and work it out. I did make the huge mistake of pushing on her to let's work it out, we can fix this being needy and pushy.
I hit a point after her telling me time and time again she told me it was over that I told her we should just file than and be done. She did tell me that she wasn't ready to end it but she wasn't ready to work on it either.
I went out on Thursday night to a bar up the street from our house and saw her having dinner with the other man. I left without confronting her. I brought it up to her in the morning she apologized for flaunting it in front of me she didn't mean to have him come to our town. I told her I didn't care that she was having an affair and that I would do anything to make it work.
She got extremely angry and told me she didn't want to fight but I need to get it through my head that were done.
I reached out to her father asking for his help. Her 2 sister and brother in law know as well as her mother. He was in the dark. I told him what was going on and asked for any help he could give to help me save our marriage.
He talked with her and I've never seen her this angry. On Saturday night she came home at 1130 slightly drunk and told me I had to leave the house and that if I didn't she would make me leave. She brought a male friend with her and I saw red. I knew I couldn't do anything so I called 911. And her father.
He talked with her about the affair and how he feels she's making a huge mistake and just tore into her about what she was doing.
On Monday she pulled all money out of the bank account closed our cellphone account, packed some bags and took our two dogs with her.
After talking with my brother he convinced me I should talk with his lawyer. I filed for divorce yesterday morning but didn't set anything up to have the papers served. Today she called said she knew I filed because she tried to file a PFA against me. She said she feels unsafe at this point and doesn't want to be alone with me, afraid I would take the dogs from her. She accused me of telling her hr manager about her affair and putting screws in her tire. After reading this site I should have done a full exposure but it's too late for that.
I told her I want to make this work and I don't want to serve her papers let alone have the sherif serve her at work. I have every desire to rip up my divorce papers and burn them. I want to fix what I've done wrong in my marriage and make it better. We have 10 years together and in 2 months it all went to absolute hell.
How do I stop this. How do we fix this.
Any help and advice please. I'm lost and I want my wife back and to make a better marriage than what we had.

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Hi, cyk - I am very sorry for the circumstances that bring you here, but I am glad you are here.

The biggest problem here is of course her affair, and in order to get your wife back you need to focus on ending that. Have you read through the Exposure 101 thread? http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583 It isn't too late to expose her affair. Who have you told, and who have you not told?

PFA - can you tell me what that stands for? What is she filing? Is it a restraining order of some sort?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Does the PFA or whatever prevent you exposing?


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: May 2018
Posts: 127
C
CYk752 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 127
The PFA as my lawyer states is a Protection From Abuse and may be used to remove me from the home.
Ive never laid a hand in her or threatened her in anyway. Words can't describe how I feel about it.
As far as people that know. Her Mom, older sister & brother in law, her younger sister and fianc, her 4 closest best friends one of which has ended all communication of the affair. Her father knows now and from the conversation they had the other night someone from her work emailed her HR manager about the affair.
Not sure who else I would have to tell or even if I could at this point.

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
What kind of evidence do you (still) have?

Evidence both of the affair and evidence of the real non abusive nature of your relationship would be beneficial for schooling her in court. You might want to save as many communications as you can and keep a recorder on you to use in case she shows up unexpectedly. She's making some very dangerous threats you should take seriously. Maybe have your car record your GPS movements or a nanny cam on you at home in case there's a false accusation of your whereabouts.

You've done exposures before she pulled this legal stuff on you, so you can stand down on that point. It seems to have hit the mark nicely too. Is OM married by any chance?

Try to protect any finances you still can as long as that isn't prohibited by this order. I would play by the orders rules; she most certainly won't and judges hate that like poison.

Be patient. Work on your own lifestyle, make it happy for yourself and that will heal you while also making it attractive to her without you having to reach across any court ordered lines.

Plus, you know, you don't have kids and she's immediately gone to a very dark place in defense of her affair. An affair that was caused by her decision making, and piss poor boundaries around men. It was not caused by anything you did wrong in the marriage.

If she does not take you up on your very generous offer of forgiveness, well then youll probably get tired of threats and slander and then it really sucks to be her. She is going to be stuck with a fellow cheater and a bad reputation while you could move on innocently and freely with a totally clean rap sheet.

So take a breath.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,269
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,269
Likes: 2
Who is the OM? Have you exposed on his side? Was this someone from her work?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
What about your side of the family? Do they know?
Do you have a church, or another religious organization?
Does the OM have a wife?


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by CYk752
We've had plenty of arguments over the last several years


Quote
Any help and advice please. I'm lost and I want my wife back and to make a better marriage than what we had.


Cyk, it's imperative that you never argue with your wife. If she argues with you you need to make sure you do not argue back. Can you do this?

Quote
I'm a restaurant manager so my days are long and our time together had severely diminished.


Can you make time for her now? Not time for discussions about the house or divorce or any other conflicts or differences of opinion but time to be there for her?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Do you have Dr. Harley's book Surviving an Affair?

You can get the ebook from Amazon and probably read the whole thing in one evening.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 2,863
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 2,863
Markos, isn't MB the secret weapon? Posts from the past always advise against letting the cheating spouse know about MB.


Belle, Domestic Goddess
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 127
C
CYk752 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 127
Unfortunately I don't have any of the phone records she closed our cell plan so not sure I can get any of it. The OM isn't married works for same company but at a different location. I didn't expose on his side. Not sure if I should at this point. My family knows as well as friends.
It's ironic, since getting an assistant I've had a ridiculous amount of free time. Her brother in law (who married us) works for her family's church and I'm meeting with the head pastor this Monday.

Joined: May 2018
Posts: 127
C
CYk752 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 127
Really not sure how to proceed from here. She's seemed to completely hardened her heart to me.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,269
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,269
Likes: 2
Originally Posted by CYk752
Unfortunately I don't have any of the phone records she closed our cell plan so not sure I can get any of it. The OM isn't married works for same company but at a different location. I didn't expose on his side. Not sure if I should at this point. My family knows as well as friends.
It's ironic, since getting an assistant I've had a ridiculous amount of free time. Her brother in law (who married us) works for her family's church and I'm meeting with the head pastor this Monday.


Yes you should definitely expose on OMs side. Are you out of the house?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: May 2018
Posts: 127
C
CYk752 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 127
I'm in the house. Wife has packed some bags and has been gone since Sunday.
I just got home from work about an hour ago and she was standing in the driveway. Unsure of what to do I turned around and waited for her to leave.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,269
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,269
Likes: 2
Have you read about Plan A?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Yes you should definitely expose on OMs side. Are you out of the house?

Expose to the OM's side the same day you expose to the pastor.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Originally Posted by Bellevue
Markos, isn't MB the secret weapon? Posts from the past always advise against letting the cheating spouse know about MB.

Markos didn't say anything about letting her know about MB .....


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: May 2018
Posts: 127
C
CYk752 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 127
I've read about Plan A and I'm reading Surviving an Affair now.
I approached her about ending the affair before, no argument no anger. Her response was a solid no. At one point she did come to me in the middle of the night, cried about all of it but no real apology, asked how it was even possible to fix it or come back from this. We talked for a bit she took our dogs out and when she came back in she was angry and told me it was done and over and she wasn't coming back. There's been mixed signals galor but plenty of her saying she was done.
I know now I pressed too much about working on it or ending it. Shes gotten extremely angry with me when she would tell me it's done and I would say ok and walk away. Or even when an argument would arise I would say I need a moment to clear my head she would get angry about me leaving the conversation.

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by CYk752
Really not sure how to proceed from here. She's seemed to completely hardened her heart to me.


Cyk, are you reading my posts? I haven't seen answers to the questions I've been asking you, and they are designed to teach you the Marriage Builders program so you will know what you can do about your situation.

It's easy to scroll up and reread if you want my help, so take a look at what you might have missed and let's get started teaching you what a husband can do when his wife's heart is completely hardened.

You could've read Surviving an Affair by now since the time I first posted about it. You're falling behind, here.

ETA: Okay, I see you're reading Surviving an Affair now. Good!

Last edited by markos; 05/10/18 08:45 PM.

If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 127
C
CYk752 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 127
I should add I've found him on Facebook but his account is private so I'm not sure how to expose on his side.

Page 1 of 19 1 2 3 18 19

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
2 members (2 invisible), 42 guests, and 51 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,672 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,525
Posts2,322,541
Members71,672
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5