Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 19 1 2 3 4 18 19
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Quote
We talked for a bit she took our dogs out and when she came back in she was angry and told me it was done and over and she wasn't coming back. There's been mixed signals galor but plenty of her saying she was done.

Don't listen to her anger. It's the affair talking. EVERY WW IS ANGRY. This is typical, and has no bearing on whether you will recover or not.
She will get angrier when you expose. That's normal. Expect it. Your marriage can survive her anger.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by CYk752
Unfortunately I don't have any of the phone records she closed our cell plan so not sure I can get any of it. The OM isn't married works for same company but at a different location. I didn't expose on his side. Not sure if I should at this point. My family knows as well as friends.
It's ironic, since getting an assistant I've had a ridiculous amount of free time. Her brother in law (who married us) works for her family's church and I'm meeting with the head pastor this Monday.


Not exposing to the OM's side, including the workplace is a huge gaping hole that you can't afford to miss. Please read the Exposure 101 thread in my signature.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by CYk752
I've read about Plan A and I'm reading Surviving an Affair now.
I approached her about ending the affair before, no argument no anger. Her response was a solid no. At one point she did come to me in the middle of the night, cried about all of it but no real apology, asked how it was even possible to fix it or come back from this. We talked for a bit she took our dogs out and when she came back in she was angry and told me it was done and over and she wasn't coming back. There's been mixed signals galor but plenty of her saying she was done.
I know now I pressed too much about working on it or ending it. Shes gotten extremely angry with me when she would tell me it's done and I would say ok and walk away. Or even when an argument would arise I would say I need a moment to clear my head she would get angry about me leaving the conversation.



That's not a very strategic approach. Its like trying to negotiate with a falling down drunk. She is high on an affair, much like an alcoholic is drunk on alcohol. A more effective tactic is to do everything in your power to kill the affair, ie: exposure. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing it will be your greatest weapon.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,269
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,269
Likes: 2
Has she actually filed for divorce?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 2,863
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 2,863
"If your wife is not on board with MB, .... "

I went back and found the above, that was what I read, and I jumped to a conclusion about his sharing it with her; I was wrong. Didn't mean to derail the thread.


Belle, Domestic Goddess
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 127
C
CYk752 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 127
I read through most of Surviving an Affair last night. And I'm looking over the exposure 101 thread again. I need to do this with a clear head.
When she drained our bank account on Monday I panicked and called my lawyer. My auto payments for everything were set to come out Wednesday and my lawyer advised me to file for divorce to protect my self financially. I haven't served her yet. And I truly do not want to.
It turned out to be a good thing though as she tried to file a PFA against me on Tuesday afternoon. It would have barred me from being at my home or any communications with her. She called me numerous times that day, showed up at the house last night and just now texted me she would be going to the house tomorrow after work.

I'll have to search through some posts about how to expose on side. And how to expose at his work.

Last edited by CYk752; 05/11/18 11:03 AM.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Hi cyk, you can get exposure tips from the exposure 101 thread. It will also give you talking points.

And yes, you need to get legal protection to protect yourself financially even if it means filing for divorce. It doesnt mean you will end up divorced but you cant allow her to cause permanent damage to your finances while she is out of her mind. You did the right thing in filing for divorce.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: May 2018
Posts: 127
C
CYk752 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 127
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Hi cyk, you can get exposure tips from the exposure 101 thread. It will also give you talking points.

And yes, you need to get legal protection to protect yourself financially even if it means filing for divorce. It doesnt mean you will end up divorced but you cant allow her to cause permanent damage to your finances while she is out of her mind. You did the right thing in filing for divorce.


Thanks for the reassurance. I feel absolutely horrible about filing.

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by Bellevue
"If your wife is not on board with MB, .... "

I went back and found the above, that was what I read, and I jumped to a conclusion about his sharing it with her; I was wrong. Didn't mean to derail the thread.


That's my signature! smile


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
I might have missed it, but I never saw answers to these.

Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by CYk752
We've had plenty of arguments over the last several years


Quote
Any help and advice please. I'm lost and I want my wife back and to make a better marriage than what we had.


Cyk, it's imperative that you never argue with your wife. If she argues with you you need to make sure you do not argue back. Can you do this?

Quote
I'm a restaurant manager so my days are long and our time together had severely diminished.


Can you make time for her now? Not time for discussions about the house or divorce or any other conflicts or differences of opinion but time to be there for her?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
We talked for a bit she took our dogs out and when she came back in she was angry and told me it was done and over and she wasn't coming back. There's been mixed signals galor but plenty of her saying she was done.

Don't listen to her anger. It's the affair talking. EVERY WW IS ANGRY. This is typical, and has no bearing on whether you will recover or not.
She will get angrier when you expose. That's normal. Expect it. Your marriage can survive her anger.


ABSOLUTELY


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 127
C
CYk752 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 127
Originally Posted by markos
I might have missed it, but I never saw answers to these.

Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by CYk752
We've had plenty of arguments over the last several years


Quote
Any help and advice please. I'm lost and I want my wife back and to make a better marriage than what we had.


Cyk, it's imperative that you never argue with your wife. If she argues with you you need to make sure you do not argue back. Can you do this?

Quote
I'm a restaurant manager so my days are long and our time together had severely diminished.


Can you make time for her now? Not time for discussions about the house or divorce or any other conflicts or differences of opinion but time to be there for her?



Sorry Markos thank you for your help and support.
Learning what I've been doing wrong and wanting better for our marriage. I can absolutely not argue with her. Its definitely something I need to work on but she's all the motivation I need to change myself.
I will do whatever I need to to make time for her and be there for her. Even change careers if need be. The life I want needs to be more conducive to my work not the other way around.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by Bellevue
"If your wife is not on board with MB, .... "

I went back and found the above, that was what I read, and I jumped to a conclusion about his sharing it with her; I was wrong. Didn't mean to derail the thread.


That's my signature! smile


I read through every post trying to find that!! Thanks for finding it!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by CYk752
Originally Posted by markos
I might have missed it, but I never saw answers to these.

Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by CYk752
We've had plenty of arguments over the last several years


Quote
Any help and advice please. I'm lost and I want my wife back and to make a better marriage than what we had.


Cyk, it's imperative that you never argue with your wife. If she argues with you you need to make sure you do not argue back. Can you do this?

Quote
I'm a restaurant manager so my days are long and our time together had severely diminished.


Can you make time for her now? Not time for discussions about the house or divorce or any other conflicts or differences of opinion but time to be there for her?



Sorry Markos thank you for your help and support.
Learning what I've been doing wrong and wanting better for our marriage. I can absolutely not argue with her. Its definitely something I need to work on but she's all the motivation I need to change myself.
I will do whatever I need to to make time for her and be there for her. Even change careers if need be. The life I want needs to be more conducive to my work not the other way around.


Can you keep yourself from arguing with her? Do you believe that's something you are able to do at this present time?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 127
C
CYk752 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 127
I can hold back from arguing. I don't think I can keep my emotions in check around her right now though. I still have the urge to talk about working it out and that's the wrong approach I should be taking.

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Okay, you're demonstrating good insight there. Let me tell you that in 8 years on this website I have yet to see any husband here save his marriage by persuading his wife to work on it. That will absolutely turn her away.

So learn what Dr. Harley has to say about how to keep your emotions in check. You might check out ongoing threads here about anger mangement, as that is basically the same issue in learning to stay relaxed.

The way you save your marriage is a two pronged approach
1) disrupt the affair, primarily through exposure
2) change the way your wife feels about you, by making love bank deposits and avoiding love bank withdrawals. Notice that this doesn't include trying to lecture her about working it out at all. (Also note that it doesn't rule out part 1 there - do disrupt the affair, even if it makes her angry!)


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 127
C
CYk752 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 127
So I'm at work today and my wife called and texted me. Said she's back at the house and we should talk, but not in person. She doesn't want me to return to the house since she's back.
Any advice?

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by CYk752
So I'm at work today and my wife called and texted me. Said she's back at the house and we should talk, but not in person. She doesn't want me to return to the house since she's back.
Any advice?



Go home. Refuse to leave your home.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: May 2018
Posts: 127
C
CYk752 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 127
Got home and she wanted to talk about how to make the divorce amicable. She's in purgatory and wants to move on. Her words.
I ended the conversation when she started to get mad. Kept my cool and emotions in check.
Didnt really have a game plan in mind when I walked through the door. She said we need to figure out how to make our living situation work because it's unfair for either one of us to leave.
I want to see hope in her being here and saying she's staying but I have this sense of dread that it's ending.
How do I even talk to her now. Let alone stop divorce.

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
You did great by not playing along with her fantasy and not playing the part of the enemy either. If you can similarly keep your cool while shes hopping mad with exposure, thats another hit for you. I think it's significant that OM is not exposed (they are not hard to run off usually) but I can't figure out that darn order of yours. How is it worded and what does it ask of you?

You can't really talk WITH a wayward, you have to sorta talk AT them.

-I would tell her you love her and you aren't getting divorced or moving out (and don't say this, but she doesn't need your agreement to do so herself and it's a weird insistence on her part. She can figure it out herself without a divorce cheerleader).
-Responses to her disagreeing can be anything from 'well that's heart breaking news ' to 'I understand ' to 'huh, do you want a cookie?' Anything so long as its not getting mad. Leaving is a good tactic.
- Move back into your house AND your bed. If she wants to sleep somewhere else let her do it. But that's a silent message.
-if she talks about being in pain, or purgatory, plop some ice cream in front of her, tell her youre still her best friend and you want to hear all about it. No matter how cuckoo her words, listen with soothing noises. It will make lovebank deposits.

And Yeah, permanently park the relationship talk.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Page 2 of 19 1 2 3 4 18 19

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
2 members (2 invisible), 42 guests, and 51 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,672 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,525
Posts2,322,541
Members71,672
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5