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"how could I be with you after telling everyone" "what's the point of doing this" "how isn't dragging my name through mud supposed to make me stay married" "all those message she make you look like a crazy person and an a****le!"
"If I get fired how am I supposed to stay with you"
I'm trying to stay calm and cool but I'm not sure how to respond.
Riding out the storm... Usually shrugging and offering tea is fine. But if you want to be fancy: "I know this is horribly embarrassing for you (don't say 'because OM is a schmuck' or 'what did you think would happen, I'd cover for you?'), tell me what you're afraid of and how I can support you' "You can do what you like about the marriage! I hope you'll let me give you a GREAT one - but its your call" "You're breaking my heart. I have a right to ask for support when I'm losing the best thing that ever happened to me." That tends to cut through their veneer. Don't forget the oldie but goodie of just responding 'so do you want a movie/cookie/dinner Its fine if she storms off. That's to be expected. She has two worlds colliding right now.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Talked with his brother in law for about 30 min. OMs Father has done similar things in the past parents are separated. He felt terrible about the whole situation and talked with OMs sister. OM states that I've humiliated him to his family and friends. Not my problem don't do things your ashamed of.
My wife still wanted to talk last night which I take is a good sign she never stormed off but I walked away whenever she started to get mad or yell. I'm not going to allow myself to get into those situations anymore it's unhelpful to us and bad for me.
Great responses I've been struggling with what to reply to her with. I did get a kick out of it when she was yelling and how hurt she was I asked if she wanted some tea. Blindsided at its best.
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She's pretty adamant that what I've done is horrible Whatever. and dragging him into this was pointless because it wasn't an affair she already wanted out of the marriage. Whatever. Divorces are easy to get if she wants one. But don't say that to her. She's said what's been posted and it's predictable "how could I be with you after telling everyone" "what's the point of doing this" "how isn't dragging my name through mud supposed to make me stay married" "all those message she make you look like a crazy person and an a****le!"
"If I get fired how am I supposed to stay with you"
I'm trying to stay calm and cool but I'm not sure how to respond. Remember that nobody saves his marriage by persuading his wife of anything. Don't worry about responding. You don't need to convince her to believe exposure was the right thing to do. Just keep making love bank deposits and avoiding love bank withdrawals, and let her know you love her and have no intention of sharing her.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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"I love you and I'm not willing to share you."
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Cyk, you are getting great advice! I would suggest you get his mother's phone # and give her a call and see if you can enlist her help? That will be a death blow to the affair if your wife finds out that his mother knows she is a married woman. She will be ashamed to face her which will ruin the affair. Keep the pressure on!! You are doing great!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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From the convo with his brother in law sounds like his mom hasn't been around in years so I think it's a dead end.
I need to get a handle on making love bank deposits and rebuilding from here.
She got divorce papers this morning so I need to put a hold on this.
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From the convo with his brother in law sounds like his mom hasn't been around in years so I think it's a dead end.
I need to get a handle on making love bank deposits and rebuilding from here.
She got divorce papers this morning so I need to put a hold on this. What do you need to put a hold on? The fact that she got divorce papers means nothing other than she wants to SCARE you; so you will stop I interfering in her affair. You need to put aside your fear and do what is right for your marriage. You will not win if you choose to operate on emotions (fear) instead of a plan. You have NOTHING to lose and everything to gain at this point. Do everything you can to wreck the affair while showing your best side. Cobtacting the OMs mother can be a powerful weapon against the affair. If that were my son I would give him and his OW holy hell. It will also greatly discourage your wife from s affair. Put aside your fear, My friend.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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From the convo with his brother in law sounds like his mom hasn't been around in years so I think it's a dead end.
I need to get a handle on making love bank deposits and rebuilding from here.
She got divorce papers this morning so I need to put a hold on this. What do you need to put a hold on? The fact that she got divorce papers means nothing other than she wants to SCARE you; so you will stop I interfering in her affair. You need to put aside your fear and do what is right for your marriage. You will not win if you choose to operate on emotions (fear) instead of a plan. You have NOTHING to lose and everything to gain at this point. Do everything you can to wreck the affair while showing your best side. Cobtacting the OMs mother can be a powerful weapon against the affair. If that were my son I would give him and his OW holy hell. It will also greatly discourage your wife from s affair. Put aside your fear, My friend. You're right. I'm scared of the divorce. And yeah there is nothing else to loose. Like I said I asked OMs brother in law about his parents they haven't seen or spoken to his mother in over 5 years and it sounded like the dad was a POS and kicked to the curb by they family years ago. I contacted aunts and uncles cousins etc, grandmother was a big one though. His sister also got in touch with me after speaking to her husband. Was furious that her brother would act like their dad. In a voicemail he left me-I destroyed his career, his relationship with friends and his family now hates him. All over some woman who doesn't mean anything to him or love me. I should probably play that for her. But ultimately yes I'm scared of the divorce and want to stop it. But I'll take any and all advice I can. I will end the affair first and foremost.
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CYK, Don't be scared of her initiating a divorce - it takes MONTHS if not YEARS! Even if she files papers in anger, you just focus on love bank deposits and as soon as she realises how much money and time it costs her - and you won't let her have a quickie divorce because why make it easy for her to run away? - while you start looking like a really attractive option because you are being the best husband, she will rethink. Ignore what she is doing and focus on attacking the affair (exposure) while making as many love bank deposits as possible.
BW (me) 40 WH, serial cheater, 41 Four children: DS1 8 DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me) DS3 6 DD 2 D-day Jan 4 2017 Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017 Plan D Aug 28 2017 Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017 "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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I had a niggling fear the BiL was a plant from OM whose job it was to tell you not to bother with the parents. That is common. Can the grandmother put you in touch or confirm what he's saying?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Most definitely repeat his words!
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I'll keep looking into it for his parents. You're right no point in not following all the way through.
I made a point to play through some voicemails through speaker phone while in the kitchen last night so wife could "over hear"
Haven't heard anything from there work and she's going into today for a meeting. I take it as a sign no real action will come from exposing, but now nearly everyone I could get in touch with that she supervises knows about the affair.
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The work result you were mainly after is her shame, which you got. But it would be awesome if they canned her.
Yeah, the parents; my antennae is really up on that one because it seems like OM is reeeaaaally trying to stop you hitting a particular target.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I'll keep looking into it for his parents. You're right no point in not following all the way through.
I made a point to play through some voicemails through speaker phone while in the kitchen last night so wife could "over hear" Is there a reason you did this? I would be real careful giving too much transparency at this time, because it could blow up in your face badly.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She kept asking what I talked with OM about and what the detective said about the whole exposure.
In hind sight I made a mistake by playing the voicemail out of spite. I found OMs father both have same name. Still no luck with his mother.
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She kept asking what I talked with OM about and what the detective said about the whole exposure.
In hind sight I made a mistake by playing the voicemail out of spite. I found OMs father both have same name. Still no luck with his mother. Great job getting his name! Yeah, even when the parent is a deadbeat, a cheater themselves, you'd be surprised how effective exposure still is. It's like the WS begins to compare themselves with ma/pa - that's quite the shock of cold water. She kept asking what I talked with OM about . Someone's been lying to their affair partner! Typically from a WW it's how their H doesn't care. Dr H says it's very effective to tell an OM simply that you love her and won't quit.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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[
In a voicemail he left me-I destroyed his career, his relationship with friends and his family now hates him. All over some woman who doesn't mean anything to him or love me. I should probably play that for her.. Yes!! Play that for her!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She kept asking what I talked with OM about and what the detective said about the whole exposure.
In hind sight I made a mistake by playing the voicemail out of spite. I found OMs father both have same name. Still no luck with his mother. Oh, i am sorry, i missed what you meant. I think it was a great idea for her to overhear that comment!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She kept asking what I talked with OM about and what the detective said about the whole exposure.
In hind sight I made a mistake by playing the voicemail out of spite. I found OMs father both have same name. Still no luck with his mother. Oh, i am sorry, i missed what you meant. I think it was a great idea for her to overhear that comment!! Good to hear I made the right call by playing the message. I'm trying not to do anything or say anything out of spite don't need to keep making love bank withdrawals. As I'm sure you all know how easy it is to say and do mean stupid things, I'm struggling with how to talk to her and what to reply back to most of what she says. I'm still not sure how to take her when last night and this morning she was in a good mood and talkative with me.
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She kept asking what I talked with OM about and what the detective said about the whole exposure.
In hind sight I made a mistake by playing the voicemail out of spite. I found OMs father both have same name. Still no luck with his mother. Oh, i am sorry, i missed what you meant. I think it was a great idea for her to overhear that comment!! Good to hear I made the right call by playing the message. I'm trying not to do anything or say anything out of spite don't need to keep making love bank withdrawals. As I'm sure you all know how easy it is to say and do mean stupid things, I'm struggling with how to talk to her and what to reply back to most of what she says. I'm still not sure how to take her when last night and this morning she was in a good mood and talkative with me. Warily on the inside but sunshine on the outside.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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