So I finished another/last rounds of exposures on OMs side yesterday.
I believe I found his mother (lots of digging-census records and such) and contacted her this morning.
I guess it worked. I received another call this evening from the county police detective I spoke with the other day as OM contacted them again. I am to cease and desist all contact with OM.
WW came home after work got changed real quick and told me she was going out for the night and would be back in the morning before work. And could I take care of the dogs. Um what!? She's made our dogs a point of contention i.e. They're hers and not mine. I get to be around them when it's convenient for her.
I said no, she called me an [censored].
What do I even do now? Before she wasn't overly blatant but wow.

Hopefully forever!

What the what. You're contacting others, not him. Can you get him to stop 'contact' with you through your wife? Isn't HE the one who contacted YOU?

Never mind, you're done!





Yeah, the nice act was to prevent exposures. When they're mad you know exposures have hit the mark.

Just take a break now. You've got them running scared, go do something fun and relaxing while they yell about what he said about her and how she didn't keep you in line.

You won't get long to take a break!

What was his mother like?

Yeah I was a little put off by the I'm harassing OM by exposure, though the detective restated what I can do if OM comes around, but I've now hit everybody on his social media.
No reply from his Mother as of yet.
Half my wife's family is upset that I put her business out there for everybody. The rest are supportive. Her mother told me to leave it be and her father hasn't replied back to any calls or texts I've sent.
I guess I need to learn patience I want to start working on saving/rebuilding our marriage and I'm still upset about the divorce papers though nothing else has been done.
Should I start a full Plan A or go to Plan B? I barley see her or have any interactions with her as is.

Hi CYK, While you're waiting for the dust to settle, it is a great time to become an expert on MB. I used the time immediately post exposure to read everything I could on this site, and tried to work on myself so that I would be in a position to know what to say and how to act if my WH made all the changes he needed to (he hasn't - but that doesn't mean it wasn't a useful process for me). It's helpful to get clear in your mind what your non-negotiables are now so that if your WW suddenly says the affair is over and she wants to work things out properly, then you know what you are going to say and do in order to make your marriage great and affair-proof it for the future. The Surviving an Affair checklist is the place to start so that you understand what your WW would need to commit to in order for you to be able to create a great marriage. I'm a details person, so I went through each item on the checklist and asked myself: what would doing this mean in terms of specific changes to my and WH's life? I found it a really useful exercise because I now have my list of what he would need to do in order to be able to come back. And it makes me feel confident that I won't be manipulated or persuaded into accepting anything other than a totally affair-proof marriage for the future.

You've done a really great job with exposure! It is so nice to see someone prepared to really fight an affair like that. Not many people do.

Is it possible that dad is wayward and mum has always covered up for him? Which half of the family is against exposure? Do the supportive folks know her parents couldn't give a monkeys about their daughters future?

Be very wary of these types. Worth keeping an eye on what their deal is.



Ha! Waywards very rarely process divorce papers. Their heads are too far up their arses to be prompt with paperwork. Ignore it for the time being. If it does proceed be very kind to her face but ruthless about getting a good deal through your lawyer. If she complains be all 'Well I don't want a divorce at all!', 'I talk marriage, not divorce' or 'With OM in the picture, I don't want you to fall prey to a golddigger'

Oh and move as much cash from her wayward grip as humanly possible, even if she's been financially responsible in the past. If she spends it, the lawyers can't redistribute it equally.

As for Plan A/Plan B, husbands are advised to Plan A for as long as possible, up to two years. At the two year point Dr H advises you give up and divorce for real. If it starts to take a toll on you, you would move into Plan B. Lots of people start off with a six month timeline before reassessing.

My wife's parents divorced when she was 12, for nearly the same reasons. Her mom has been dating affair partner ever since but her life has been in termoil and been in financial hardship. Her dad remarried but sadly she passed 2 years ago. Her mom has no family to speak of so it's mainly her dads side that's split on how I did things.
Advice her dad originally gave was bite my tounge and ride it out. Since exposure he's done, said I took things too far.
Just before I started posting here she had cleared the bank accounts, canceled cell phones and some utilities did it just as all our monthly bills were to be auto payed packed her bags while I was at work and left. It was nearly 2 weeks till I saw her again.

The waywards suffered financial hardship huh? NO KIDDING.

This is what your wife has to look forward to.

I wouldn't bother at all with mum.


He's an enabler. Sorry to say it but he's gutless.

Is he truly against you now or was he just squawking in fear? If the latter, just ignore it and maybe down the line, if you get there, say you need recovery supporters for your new marriage who are honest and brave. If he is no longer pro-you (or worse, pro affair) let one or two of the best supporters know "unfortunately I have lost Bobs support and he now approves of the affair. As someone who cares about WW can you continue to keep an eye on her in case she is taken advantage of? She's lost a lot of money since she met this guy."



That's too bad, but you're still sane and she's not. You have a plan, she has a crack pipe. So one way or another you're going to come out of this better off.

I was financially ravaged, but im wealthier than I've ever been thanks to the plans. I did not get dragged down too.

So been spending the last 2 hours together. She came home early and we agreed to have a couple drinks together.
I'm trying to steer the convo away from our separation which seems to be the only thing she wants to talk about, that and how she doesn't want to send mixed signals about spending time together.

So after spending several hours together we had to call it. She's still super hurt and pissed off about me sending messages out to everyone and to her work exposing. Because I've jeopardized everything she's worked so hard for. I did however tell her I would do it all again. That really set her off. So last night she went to bed angry and woke up angry.

Cyk, just take it day by day and avoid lovebusters. Have you read the book Surviving an Affair? If not, I would download it kindle and read it this weekend. It will help you understand the dynamics of what happened here and help you understand the advice we are giving you.

And don't worry about her parents. They haven no idea how to save marriages and don't understand the effectiveness of exposure.

Thanks. I'm rereading Surviving An Affair up to chapter 8 and need to let it all sink in.

Just remember that it is not exposure that jeapordized her career, it is the fact that she is committing adultery with a coworker. Her own actions jeopardized her career. You are just telling the truth and asking for help. How does telling the truth and asking for help jeapordize a career? It does not, but acting immorally at work DOES.

Drives me NUTS when waywards blame exposure for the negative consequences of their own actions. Yet they don�t seem to be at all worried about how it will affect them when they are doing the act.

I realized from talking with her when the exposure happened that debating why I did it was like talking to a brick wall. I did my absolute best last night to remain calm and cool and exert nothing but kindness and love.
However she's still extremely mad and keeps reiterating that she could never see herself being with someone who would do that. Even as messed up as her morals are right now. It's a hard thing to overcome.

Think of it like this: you take the car keys away from a falling down drunk. She is FURIOUS that you took the keys away because she wanted drive to the bar.

Would you take her anger seriously? Or would you understand that he is very likely to feel differently when he sobers up?

You need to not get hung up on the temporary anger of a wayward who is still high on her affair and angry that you interfered with her affair.

You are very right that it makes no sense to debate with her about exposure. That is about as effective as debating with a falling down drunk. If she brings it just tell her "so sorry you are upset, but I felt everyone should know. "

I really liked a similar thing, a non-negotiable statement, wifedivorcing said during his stellar Plan A


Wasn't that line one of your suggestions too, Melody?

So she asked if when I got home yesterday we could try a do over of the previous night but without getting upset. She told me she had an emotional roller coaster of a day and was torn about working it out or not. I made her something to eat and came back to her in the living room crying.
She asked what I was doing to better myself. Told me that she kept going back and forth about working it out and all the things that have happened lately and she's still not sure she can forgive me for jeopardizing her reputation and career. So really we just ended up having a rehash from the night before.
I did everything I could to show her love and kindness but kept from getting dragged into an argument.

She is starting to break but you need to be prepared to offer up a road map out of this. Tell her that you don't want or need her forgiveness, but what you do want is a happy, passionate, romantic relationship with her that is affair proofed. Tell her that you have a plan that can bring happiness and passion back to the marriage, but she has to first commit to never seeing the OM again. I would print out the basic concepts here and ask her to read Surviving an Affair with you.

Instead of allowing the conversation to spiral back to negative things, start steering her to more optimistic discussions.

"I am sorry your affair jeopardized your reputation, career and marriage. I know that must hurt. I am not seeking forgiveness; rather I am seeking a fantastic future. I hope it can be with you."

"Yes, I am torn too after what has happened. Under certain conditions I think it could work. But only if we both commit to a plan. Not having a plan is a plan to fail and I am not willing to go through this again."

In other words, don't get hung up on "forgiveness." You don't need her forgiveness and she doesn't need yours. All you both need is a PLAN to a) affair proof your marriage and b) create a romantic, passionate marriage.