MelodyLane- something must be sticking in my head from reading the books and posts here, thankfully! I darn near said those exact words as my responses.
I want to show her and prove to her that it can work and something better can come from all this.
What I thought would always be a deal breaker for me, though I'm still hurt and struggle with that to some degree, I'm willing to move past and rebuild something better.
Again thank you to everyone for all your help. I still have a long way to go so bare with me...

You are doing great! And you are in a good position to save your marriage. Keep focusing on attracting her back.

Ended up having a pretty good night with my wife. She filled me in on a lot of what she's been doing. I let her talk for over 2 hours straight and engaged her in conversation, something I had been doing a terrible job of the last year or so. I'm slowly learning what her needs actually are and what I've been neglecting.
She did bring up that for us to make any effort I had to work on myself and something's would have to change which I fully realize.
Ultimately she is still very worried about trying to make it work. She says she has a huge trust issue with me (odd given the affair and what not) She's still has a wonderlust that she wants to explore as she's felt we were getting locked down and not living. And of course she has a big fear that if we try and fail it will be 10x worse.
I told her I did t want to reiterate what I've been saying but if we were open to it there are things I'd like us to try to fix and rebuild our marriage.
That did however set her off, she got angry that I had some unrealistic view and expectations of what marriage and a wife should be. I told her I have no idea what marriage should be I have no manual but I wanted to experience life with her. I didn't want her to conform to expectations of what a wife should be. She got angry again and I did hit her with "my only expectation in marriage was for us to be honest and faithful to each other" which didn't go over well.
We ended the night then both angry. I spoke with her this morning before leaving just to say sorry and have a good day.

This is very, very concerning and I wonder if it is her philosophy of marriage that is the issue here? Does she believe in sexual exclusivity in marriage? Or does she believe that she is entitled to keep looking for better options? Because if it is the latter, then you are facing a lifetime of adultery. if she has a freeloaders approach to marriage, your marriage won't last and you are wasting your time. How would you describe your wife?

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accommodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carpet, replacing the roof, and even doing some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

Renters believe Our relationship is temporary. You may be right for me today and wrong for me tomorrow.

Buyers believe We are together for life.

Renters believe Our relationship should be fair. What I get should balance what I give.

Buyers believe We both contribute whatever it takes to make our relationship successful.

Renters believe As needs change, the relationship may end if needs are difficult to meet.

Buyers believe As needs change, we will make adjustments to meet new needs.

Renters believe Criticism may prompt me to change if it's worthwhile for me to do so.

Buyer believe Criticism indicates a need for change.

Rentersbelieve Sacrifice is reasonable as long as it's fair.

Buyers believe Sacrifice is dangerous and to be avoided.

Renters believe Short-term fixes are fine.

Buyers believe long-term solutions are necessary.

We hear this ALOT from waywards so don't let it bother you. It is the FOG speaking.

Is she willing to affair proof your marriage and address her sloppy boundaries with men that led to this affair? Because if not, this will happen again. As much as it will tick her off, you need to start having this discussion about what led to this affair.

WHAT led to the affair? Was she looking for it? Was it poor boundaries? You need to address this and print this out and show it to her. Say, this is what it will take to create an affair proof, SAFE MARRIAGE.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Great about Buyer/Renter/Freeloaders need to figure out were she stands.
I was debating when to present the checklist, I've had it the back of my mind whenever talking to her but I think your right I need to determine why the affair and subsequent fallout of our marriage actually happened before moving forward.

Has she ever had other affairs? Does she feel entitled to look for better options? What did she mean by "wanderlust?"

She's never had an affair or cheated on any boyfriend (the few she's had) which is why I originally wanted to attribute this to some mid life crisis from when we started talking about kids.
I say wonderlust because I'm not sure how to sum up everything she's said. She's not sure we should be married because of what's happened and how we let ourselves get to this point.
She felt like she had been putting in most of the effort without much from me. I feel the same.
She likes the fact that she's talking care of herself, going to the gym, yoga, focusing more on herself. I've wanted her to that and more for sometime.
On the same note she asked me to tell her what I want her to be and how to be and she would be that. I told her I want her to be herself. I don't want her to adapt or change to be something, that wasn't the woman I fell in love with.

I would rethink this philosophy, CYK, because you do need her to adapt and change to make your marriage a happy place. A freeloader never changes, a buyer changes to make the marriage happy. As a homeowner, I do what is necessary to keep up my home. I make necessary repairs and keep up my home. That is what a buyer in marriage does; they change to accommodate their marriage. The result is a passionate, happy marriage.

I would not explain this to her NOW, just focus on attracting her to this program. Paint a beautiful picture for her. Don't be pushy or desperate, but tell her you would be willing to try this.

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"I have given this alot of thought and what I want you to be is HAPPY in a romantic passionate marriage to me where we both feel fulfilled with our needs met."

You're right I do need her to adapt and change to have a happy and fulfilling marriage. But I don't want her to , as she said she was doing, adapting and being something she's not. I see that as asking to repeat all of our issues and more affairs.

She was being a phony? In what way?

That was the vibe I got which kinda took the wind from my sails. She had said she was being the wife I wanted and the wife society wanted her to be. She said she's always been good at adapting and changing to what see supposed to be.
So red flags went up for me.
This whole things been like peeling layers off an onion.

Is this before or after the affair began though?

That's a victim mentality we see with most waywards that is used to justify their bad behavior.

@Indiegirl -she told me this the other night about how she had been all through our marriage.

@MelodyLane-I want to believe it was all just justification babble she was telling me and your probably right. Like I said, she had pleaded with me with tears in her eyes, to tell her what I wanted her to be and she would be that.

That's why red flags went up form me. Granted I thought we were both in this together no matter what when we got married. I do feel like we got to a breaking point with so much built up issues that she bailed out early just as it was starting to get bad instead of working through it. Which is why I'm leaning towards her being a Renter and me a Buyer.

Little victory if you will, wife called to ask my schedule for the next coming days to set up a dinner date.
Hopefully optimistic at this point.

How cute and dramatic!

If she wasn't talking like this before the affair it's just fogbabble resulting from the affair. Look out for "you're so controlling!" and "I need space" and "I love you but not in love with you" as well. Good people can and do get into affairs, which messes with their self image so they go into self justification mode which results in a lot of nonsense and rewriting of history, as well as a lot of hand wringing and anguish.

Everyone in an active affair is a freeloader. Who she is after the fog remains to be seen but the checklist creates buyers habits.

Yeah I kinda took what she was saying as her way of justifying the affair. But her sob story kinda gave me red flags.
What's best timeline to implement the checklist?I feel it might be too soon?