Did she wear her Joan of Arc martyr outfit when she did that?

We had made plans to go out tonight. She got home and canceled saying it probably wasn't a good idea. I didn't put up any argument just said ok I was still going out if she changed her mind.
Guess it's back to the drawing board.

Cyk are you listening to the radio show daily? Maybe you want to be inviting her on dates and she's feeling exhausted with planning them.

I have not been listening to the radio show I should start.
She's on quite the emotional roller coaster. Super happy the other day but moody and sad yesterday and this morning.
I've been trying not to pester her with spending time together and that's all I want to do. What would be or is, not sure what to call it, our anniversary is coming up and I'm kind of dreading the day.

What is the latest with her job? Is she still in touch with the OM?

She was suspended for a couple of days than back to work. From what she told me he was suspended for over a week. Didn't seem like much came from it other than "her reputation being hurt" as she put it.
I haven't been able to check her computer or email but no contact has been made with OM that I can see on her iPhone. She may have deleted texts and calls. I haven't had a chance to really dig through it though.
I'm trying to stay as vigilant as I can with OM popping back up. But nothing yet.
I'm not sure where she's at with things. We talked last week about working on it what that would mean. We even kissed that night in the heat of the moment. Had a good couple days but it seems we're taking a couple leaps backwards.

*i should ask, what approach should I talk if she has been in contact with OM?

So she still works with the OM?

Same company different locations. 1hr30min apart. But too close for me.
I haven't fully breached the subject that if we were to make it work she would have to quit.
I'm still trying to get her to commit to working on the marriage.

You need to drop this bomb NOW, rather than later because y ou are wasting your time if she doesn't leave that job. The longer you let this go unsaid the harder it will be to sell. Trust me on this. It will cause much more damage to drag this out with her thinking you would accept these conditions. GEt this all out on the table NOW.

She will be FURIOUS at first and tell you to go to hell. But once she sees you are serious, she will start thinking about solutions for your marriage. It is also critical how you present this, but you need to get it all out there NOW.

Tell her, I want to have a happy, romantic safe marriage for both of us. But that can only happen under certain conditions. Your affair has hurt me badly and I cannot stay in a situation where I am unsafe. In order for our marriage to succeed, I am asking that you leave that job. I can't endure you working at the same place as OM.

Show her the checklist of what it will take to affair proof your marriage. But you need to plant these seeds NOW and get her thinking about it.

Your right I should lay everything out now no point in waiting. I haven't brought it up as she still seems to be leaning more towards divorce then reconciliation and I'm worried, even though she's asked me to leave my career, that she would definitely pick her career over me.
I have the checklist. As well as a scheduling UA time I've been trying to put to use but I'm still getting push back from being together.
So what should my plan be moving forward? Layout what I want. Give her the checklist and start scheduling time together?
Can I even give her the checklist and say what I want if she's still on the fence?

Yes!! Because she has to know about the plan from the start. She shouldn't be led to believe that the future of your marriage is unconditional, it is not. Unless you are willing to have no plan and a future of more affairs. That will be a disaster.

You need to let her know that YOU are on the fence too and these items are what will bring a happy marriage.

If she is going to divorce you because you want a happy, affair free marriage, then you are better off divorced.

It is beyond normal for her to waver back and forth. Treat her retreats as a break for yourself.

.
Nobody really wants a husband who is blas� about another guy! You have no reason to fear being strict on that point. Of course she wont like it, because RIGHT NOW, she's not ready to commit and she will welcome any doormat behaviour on your part; it makes it easier for her to discount you. But just go ahead and confidently plant the seed now. When the affair crumbles, and she has no need to insist on the wiggle room for another person, your conditions re working with the other man will not be a barrier for her.

You should be pitching yourself as somebody who has options and who has no reason to settle for crumbs. Be confident and as though you are in no hurry for her to comply - but make it clear this free trial isn't going to last forever. If she wants the new you, the new work life balance, she (eventually) needs to pony up some effort too.

Waywards are always looking for data to 'make a decision' (even though they never do) so even though she wont be encouraging, she will consider it.


She wont make a decision, the decision will be made for her (affairs always bottom out) and at that point she will only be left with the options you have outlined.


Oh and of course the looming anniversary is going to suck for you. Offer to Plan A her for the day and if she turns you down go do something nice for yourself. You can leave her a gift and then go take care of you.

MelodyLane, thanks for the support. Harsh truths and realities I don't want to face. I do appreciate your advice. Thank you.

Indiegirl, I've been trying but probably failing at making myself appealing to her. given recent events I feel like I've fallen back into a begging and pleading stage. Which is why last night when she canceled plans and told me I wasn't a good idea for us to go out. I didn't challenge it. Just kept a smile and went about my business.

Cyk, I want to encourage you to stick with this. I have seen much worse than this make complete recoveries, but only on the right conditions. If she is not willing to follow this plan, she will never be marriage material. But she needs your leadership. You need to show her the plan and be persistent.

Show her this plan, the checklist and ask her to leave her job. She will balk at first, so you must be a broken record and keep bringing it up.

We spent some time together last night. I made a pass at her she pulled away and she asked if we could talk.
She said she can't see making it work. Even though I'm trying to get passed the affair (she still won't call it that) "me involving" her work is now a line in the sand and not something she's willing to get passed. On top of the fact I had said before I have no regrets about exposing and would do it again. She said she has no regrets or remorse for what she's done. And wants to move forward with the divorce.
I don't know what to do now.

*And on top of all that saw on her FB messages that she's still in contact with OM as of last weekend

Go talk to her and tell her that her affair hurts you deeply. Lay out the plan I outlined above. I REALIZE it seems insane to address this when she is talking about divorce, but you can let her know, that YES, if you can't agree to these conditions and agree to quit your job, this will lead to divorce.

As her affair crumbles, as it is now, she will start drawing to you. As this happens, she will remember the conditions you lay out. Keep in mind, you are not dealing with a rational person. This is a person who is drunk on an affair. You just need to be patient while her affair dies out.

Anger over exposure is caused by the FOG. The FOG is caused by continued contact with the OM.

I'll talk with her when I get home tonight. It does seem insane to bring it up now but I will do it.


God I hope your right. As I run everything through my mind I keep hearing her reasoning on why it wasn't an affair and that it doesn't mean anything, I I find myself falling for it and justifying it. It's a bad trap.
I thought and hoped stupidly that the affair was done but I was wrong.

I'm struggling with getting an overall plan together. I really have no idea what to do on a day-to-day basis with her, and things like this are like getting kicked back to the ground.