Laid it all out for her tonight. She wanted to talk which was a surprise, started telling me about her day, I listened for a bit but had to stop her. Told her I can't keep being in this hell I love her and want to save the marriage but I can't and won't do it with how things are. Laid out the plan of never talking to OM again and working on us affair proofing our marriage and her leaving her job. But as thing are now we are getting a divorce. Sure enough she was angry. She stormed off kept coming back to trying to talk to me but couldn't say anything let alone what she wanted, would start but than just say "I can't tell you what I'm feeling you won't understand"
Finally after her asking to talk and her not saying a word, I told her I can't do this anymore if she wants to talk than talk to me otherwise I can't keep letting her hurt me. She finally said she can't work on it because she can't see her self being intimate with me or being trusting of me anymore. I told her "yeah neither can I with how things are" she brought up exposure again, and how that was far worse than her affair but it wasn't my business to tell everyone. I fired back that yes it is my business that my wife is having an affair and wants a divorce.
We ended with her just reiterating that she can't see her self being intimate with me or tell me what's going on with her, she can't be vulnerable around me.
She was quite angry that I kept hitting her with "if things don't change, than yes we are getting a divorce."
So plan has been laid out went over better than I thought, she never challenged any of it or got said anything about leaving the job.

You did great!! Now, you just have to work on attracting her back and avoiding lovebusters. When you have an opportunity, bring the PLAN up again by saying "I want us to have a loving, happy, SAFE marriage and i am asking you to leave that job and follow this plan." Let her talk to you as much as possible, because talking will bring you closer.

What was it that attracted her to the OM? What were the problems in your marriage?

It's what is or would be our anniversary today. She came in the master bedroom to wake me up just said good morning and sat on the edge of the bed while we played with our dogs. I did say Happy anniversary but didnt expect anything from her.

Why this all happened and why she had the affair are the questions I need to find out. As she put it last night I can't handle the details of what's happened, on the contrary for me the nitty gritty details don't matter only why it happened and how we got to this point.

Can you ask her how her affair started? What was the attraction?

Very promising!

She is very confused. From here, let her ramble on if she needs to and make soothing 'there is a plan' noises wherever possible.


Ah, the not-anniversary is such a stinker, isn't it my friend?

I would use this phrasing of 'I don't care about the nitty gritty, just the outline facts' that will be appealing to her. In fact you could give her a list of suitable questions and promise her that it will be the one and only time you discuss the affair, once she has met your conditions.

Melody Lanes suggested phrase should be liberally sprinkled too!

How bout tomorrow you send her a big bouquet of flowers with 'I didn't want you to feel obligated yesterday to give me something in return but I hope these make you smile'

I've been able to see from the last couple of days together that she's confused even saying so at a couple of points. It was odd how quickly she turned once I told her that yes as things are we're getting a divorce, I won't allow myself to be hurt anymore.
the not-anniversary sucks big time lol.
Oddly enough I wanted to know the nitty gritty when all this happened, now, well I could care less. I'm only interested in knowing why it happened, why she did it and where we went wrong.
So from here on I just try to win her back? Make some love deposits untill she and I agree to fix it?

You got it! It will be helpful for you to understand what went wrong here so you can make course corrections. Did you commit lovebusters? [most restaurant owners are very stressed out, were you?] You had said you were working long hours which surely had an effect. Did she feel neglected? I would discuss the state of the marriage if you can and talk about solutions. You don't want to get lost in the past, but it can give you clues on how to improve.

And I hope you are serving Pepsi in your restaurant!

I've been trying to evaluate what went wrong replaying every conversation and argument we've had. Everything she's said lately. I know a big factor was my time I've spent with her, too much at work and not enough with her. I had also started to become distant when she was asking me to leave my career and find something new. I wasn't ready to give up my passion for restaurants as my goal has always been to own my own and I was getting pretty close.

I came home yesterday to her watching our wedding video she asked me to watch with her. We talked most of the night but I think I messed up pretty bad. She had asked me if I really did want a divorce I said of course not but given how things are that's where we are headed.
She said there was no guarantee that this wouldn't happen again and we wouldn't fix things over night. But she didn't feel like I'm in a place ready handle why the affair happened.
I reiterated the plan as being how we start to affair proof our marriage and rebuild, but I didn't want to have a conversation with her about working it out if she wasn't on board let alone if she was still seeing OM.
She confessed that they spoke only moments before I got home and still spoke daily but hadn't seen each other in a week.
I did get angry but held back as best I could but I shut down and closed myself off, I ended the conversation much to her anger, telling her I wouldn't allow myself to go through this with her on the fence about about me and OM, and her not wanting to commit to the plan.
Overall I could have handled the situation better. She wanted to explain why it happened and why she fell for OM but I shut her down. I told her I saw no point in having any talks about us or moving forward if she was still in an on going affair.

**EDIT**

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She's watching the wedding video and trying to sound you out about how serious you are about a plan. It sounds like she's also testing your temper. This is all promising stuff.

You're well within your rights to shut down a conversation when she's blatantly talking about her affair, you didnt err by letting her know its intolerable. Plan A is not plan doormat.

Make sure you are never visibly angry or fuming though. Go with 'Im hurt' over angry every time. She'll never give you the radical honesty you need for recovery if she thinks you lean more towards angry, as opposed to 'firm but fair'

You're having to woo and sales pitch her, while hearing about OM and watching her vacillate back and back forth. That is not for the faint hearted, but if you need anti depressants to keep your poker face on, take them.

If you start lovebusting her you're not in Plan A and would be better off in Plan B.


The whole point of Plan A is to talk. To sell her on a version of the future. Pitch your heart out. Reminisce. Talk about vacations she has always wanted to go on, weekend stuff she would like to do, promise to spend lots of time with her, apologise for not realising sooner and promise that the marriage will not only survive but thrive. Tell her that the recovery of your marriage will be the wonder of all your friends.This little confusion will be entirely forgotten!

Then when you've got her eyes on the carrot, bring down the stick 'all you have to do is leave the job, and affair proof our marriage'

This is actually going very well, much better than you think. I would pick this back up and ask her to explain to you what happened that caused her to check out. You can then reiterate your plan to a) affair proof and b) fall in love again.But that can only work IF SHE WILL END ALL CONTACT WITH THE OM. Ask her to quit her job now and end her affair immediately by sending this no contact to the OM.

I would also call up the OM and tell him you will fight for your wife and will not give up.


Let her know you aren't willing to go through this ever again. Tell her that it has been the most painful event of your life and you are willing to move forward with her as long as she cleans up her boundaries with men. What led to this affair was that allowed another man to meet her needs. This will happen again and again unless she changes her behavior. Is she willing to change her behavior that led to her affair?

Yes this is the perfect time to reiterate your commitment that you will be a flea in his ear and are not going anywhere! At this stage the OM's commitment is usually flagging because there are other women in the world with less drama. I bet he was told not to continue this affair with a subordinate too - and she is the one who ratted him out to you!

Another thing WW commonly do is they tell the OM their husbands don't care about them. Following exposure the OM is usually angry about this lie "What the what? I thought he wouldn't care?" but the WW excuses herself by claiming it was momentary vengeance. It is very effective to follow up and calmly confront the OM and tell him that he is interfering in a loving marriage, so much so that you will be forced to take any legal means necessary to protect your marriage and that you will fight for WW.

Not only is he unlikely to be up for the competition but it causes trouble between them by exposing lies.

Does anyone know where Dr Hs advice on confrontation is? I can't find it.

At her request we went out last night, she had to run some errands and asked if I would join her. She asked me again to put my ego away and tell her if I really wanted a divorce, again I told her the plan and that if nothing was changing than yes I wanted a divorce, I've no desire to ever go through this again. I'm starting to sound like a broken record with her lol. She said it was a yes or no, not a "well if things change" she had to know my immediate feeling. I asked her if she wanted a divorce or to work on it, she said its different she's not sure what she wants.
And given that stance it's divorce for me until things change. She didn't like that answer.

I've thought about contacting OM but not quite sure how to go about it.

What I thought was a unique situation, has turned into a very scripted drama, nearly all of her replies and conversations have been played out here before. And I'm really just starting to see that. I have a long weekend off from work and plenty of time to work on making some love bank deposits. Me not spending time with her and OM wanting to spend time with her was a big factor as she said. Should I pull out all the stops and woo the heck out of her? Ive been reading HNHN and I'm trying to determine what would make the biggest deposits for her.

Yes you should woo her, that is Plan A. But you are right not to fall for her trying to get you to stray from your scripted plan. She obviously doesn�t like it because it puts the ball in her court. You are telling her you love her and want to do what it takes to have a happy marriage, but will not subject yourself to affairs. Basically, she can�t have her cake and eat too. She doesn�t want to hear that but needs to. Plan A does not equal Plan Doormat after all.

Can you plan a quick weekend getaway to take her on? Could be simple, hotel room in the city (or country depending where you are), dinner out, etc. No strings attached, just a mini mental vacay.

Yes. Carrot and stick. Talk about the price of your product (affair proofing) but also give her one heck of a free trial. I'd also sprinkle into your 'Yes we are headed for divorce' responses a few 'Yes it is my dream to be married to you. We can be so incredibly happy if you commit to it.

If she's being negative 'we are getting divorced ', be negative back 'Yes as it stands' but put a positive spin wherever possible.

I'm finding it really hard to swoon her. It had always been so easy to talk with her and I have no problem talking to anyone else, I've always been a flirtatious person anyway but man it's tough lately.
On my prodding she did tell me that she feels trapped, uninspired, caged in and lonely. I asked if she meant in life in general or with us and she said mostly us.
She wants to be in the here and now not worrying about us in the future, I told her I can't and won't do that. I can't be on board while she decides if she even wants to put a foot in.

You are making the mistake of listening to a wayward which is the equivalent of listening to a falling down drunk. You need to stop this and just stay the course.

Are you saying you can't plan A any more? She's asking for a free trial and plan A is that free trial where you demonstrate changes.

Do you have enough plan A left in you to ask her away on a trip?

It is very unlikely that a wayward wife is going to 'decide to put a foot in '. What usually happens is OM dumps them.

I told him to try and find out why she checked out of the marriage. Unfortunately, she is still in touch with the OM so all she is giving him is meaningless fogbabble.

Cyk, just do your best to present yourself in the best possible light and be a broken record about leaving her job and ending all contact with the OM.

Not saying I can't Plan A anymore just finding it hard right now.
I did ask her to go away this weekend no strings attached. She declined, she has to work this morning family event tomorrow, blah blah blah, just not enough time. She was going on the other day about never doing anything anymore, I asked her to go out Friday night she said maybe but again turned it down.
So I did a whole host of chores I've been putting off, I cleaned the house redid the gardens, bathed the dog and a host of other things, made her her favorite dinner.
We had a decent enough time, did my best to just talk to her tell jokes, flirt all that.
She never did want to go out and was pretty moody the whole time, I did my best to make it a good night at home.
She got really upset at one point stating that again she was home on Friday night -I re extended my offer to go out with a couple of different options and she said no she had to be up early and couldn't go out, she went to bed extremely early.

So far what she's told me about why it happened was she had been feeling very alone, unmotivated, stuck in the same cycle and unchallenged. She liked the fact the OM wanted to spend time with her, she was able to forget about all the problems of "adulting" didn't have to worry about the bills or the house or even her dogs. My work schedule and me renovating the house (which she so wanted to buy and fix) was finally too much. Her family and friends asking when we were going to have kids was driving her nuts.