Really hard knowing you have unintentionally allowed so many mistakes. Obviously I wish I knew this site back then when I was barely able to make it through the day. While I watched my career go down the drain sinking into s sea of self pity and the "what's wrong with me life".
My original posts was in the divorce category as I finally mustered up the guts to start it ( much to my surprise she was ok with the fact that we were splitting all 50/50)...then As it has done so many times..i saw in one of the replies a chance..another chance. My heart aches over my mistakes and where I am at. All the advice is truly appreciated. A hurt I would not ask for anyone.
Best, desty

I won't waste anymore time...i am going to let this sink in and to everyone's point either man up or move on. You have given me a path I had given up on. If I have anymore questions..ill post. I definitely do not anyone to think it's not appreciated.

What action steps have you taken? Thinking is cute and winsome, but useless without action steps. The picture you are presenting here is not a very good one; it reflects a very complacent husband who is a conflict avoider. Complacency reflects a lack of caring.

So you are ignoring all of our advice? You said you wanted to save your marriage. We took you seriously and gave you advice. Why ask us for advice you aren't going to take?

Would you agree that complacence might be the biggest problem in your marriage? Your complacence has essentially ENABLED her affair for about 10 years. Do you see how effective it is?

#CONFLICTAVOIDANCE

You need to move your family far away - at least 200 miles, preferably more. Unless you separate your wife from this OM, there is simply no hope. Drastic action is called for. This is an entrenched affair.

Once you have moved and the easy contact that your wife has enjoyed with her affair partner has been disrupted, then then spying can be more effective. When your wife has had a decade of hiding from you, she is going to be successful at continuing. You have made it all too easy for her. You need to break the affair. Moving away will do that.

I know I am not saying correctly..yes I want to save this and yes I am going to use all of this info. I am getting my plan together. I am going to take a couple day break as to not waste anyone's time. I'll share what steps I gave taken.
Thanks

Good deal! Keep us posted and we will be glad to help.

May I ask a couple more questions as I start my plan? Note: I plan on lmplementing the strategies given.
1. Divorce is paid for and she is letting us delay. I assume that will give me the time to try and fix. Feels like she may just be pasifying me but does that matter? Wouldn't she just say no...
2. Hardest part is being with someone who is not connected ( little help on that) by her own admission
3. Do I move back in the bedroom and if yes when and how?
4. We have had a couple of good conversations..started by me of course..do I just keep being me while I implement my plan?
Hope these aren't goofy questions...

Lastly, we have had some very good times the last 5 years as well. A trip to St. Lucia..we have also had a physical relationship for most of it. Just so I am not naive as I start implementing this plan...she can be in an affair and still do all that? And her affair partner could know and be ok with that?
Clearly I am in important part of the family dynamics..when I am gone that will shift. Does that help,hurt or does it even matter in her eyes or should it even matter to me as my relationship with the girls will always be special and intact?
Thanks

I would not delay the divorce because the most critical move you can make will be moving far away from there. I would focus the bulk of your attention on getting that done. You don't want to delay the divorce because a) you need to get your family out of there and b) you desperately need legal protection.

Yes, we know she is not connected.


Move back today. Tell her you have no reason to leave your own bedroom.


These are not goofy questions, But you must present the plan to her that we outlined. Let her know this will end in divorce if you don't move.


Yes, she can do all of that in an affair. Her affair partner would be unlikely to know or care.

Keep in mind that filing divorce does not mean you will end up divorced. But you need the legal protection provided by filing.

Can you get a job in a town 200+ miles away from there?

Keep asking questions!! This is progress!!

Thanks for the feedback..so you are saying proceed with the divorce like it's happening? Does the fact that it is still in the works show a little strength on my part..since I initiated it ( whether she was thinking it or not..or waiting for me..i did it)
Then share my plan when I get a little more footing? When do I talk about moving? I assume after i complete the other information parts i.e. investigative

The fact that she is not connected..obviously a blow to my soul but you are saying there still could be a save?
Now implement the plan?


Lastly ...and this has to be the most heart wrenching for me. Currently, if I told her that we could just finalize the divorce, she would be ok..but it's ok to stay and fight?
Even though that is probably the toughest on my pity party...

I would share the plan today, telling her you are going to sell the house and move away. Let her know you would like her to go with you and lay out the plan to restore romantic love to your marriage. Let her know you don�t want a divorce but will keep it in place until the situation changes. Plant those seeds today while you look into spy resources and look for jobs in another town.

Also, she will NEVER be connected as long as you live next to the OM. That can change if you move away.

Not sure I ever said this or if it even matters ..kids are aware that this happened. They do not have details but clearly put 2 and 2 together.

Good! But I would sit them down - alone - and give them all the details. They need to know why you have filed and why you need to move. They probably know a lot that you don�t know and should be encouraged to tell you if that piece of crap comes around.

Since you have not said anything to them about the affair they probably have concluded you are ok with adultery. Silence connotes endorsement.

Thanks

Desty, , what evidence does the OMs wife have? Can you contact her and get anything she has?

Ok going to get with her today. If She says..she would just like to stick with the divorce (She knows she can buy the house from the settlement)
Do I just man up..and that's it?
Just want to be ready for that in case.

Let her know that YOU want to stick with the divorce for now for legal protection. Tell her that if things change, you will consider dropping it.

But I would most definitely plan on moving away. Even if she won't come with you right away, you will be positioned to recover your relationship if that happens. Do you think you can get a job transfer to a new location?