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You know what's really amazing is that 8 years ago, I was a confident retail manager running a 50 million dollar operation and now I stepped down from my job, second guess every decision,email,interaction with my kids and every interaction I have had with my wife. I work more hours not less, becuase I am more lost than when i started.Really has been a journey. Operation pick myself up by the bootstraps has to start. I have to get the guy that she said she didn't like back. Seemed like everyone liked him...
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Folks,
Looking for a little advice on this. Didn't go to the concert, but my girls asked me to come over to the house and we all had dinner. Hindsite was a very bad idea. I fou d myself in the loop again.( I realize by my own making).
I emailed my wife the divorce documents so she could review. I put in the email that we could discuss in person if needed, but that i would rather do it via email. She just emailed me back and said that it would be easier to discuss in person.
I am a man of my word, but honestly I dont want to get upset. Also, I dont want to sound weak, but I do want to be honest. Bottoms line is it bothers me and for some strange reason I still want to be married. I really do t want to see her and I want her to know it bothers me..
Plus I am thinking She wants to do the let's be friends talk and the fact that she will probably tell me the affair has been over for a while and that is why we aren't together.
Add to that there was a lot of tension at dinner afterwards.
Please advise..
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Have you read this How to Plan B Correctly Can you get an IM?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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You want to be with her because you still act that way. Feelings follow actions. Nothing with change till you change something!
Go through lawyers and an IM. Stop feeding the addiction to her and go cold turkey.
Start making your own plans with your daughters.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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This: An intermediary is a spam filter/firewall between you and your ex. He/she filters out all irrelevant information and only passes on cold relevant data. You get no emotional notes or snarky remarks. You aslo don't have to hear her voice.
Last edited by goody2shoes; 07/16/18 01:22 PM.
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From the plan B letter in Surviving an Affair:
"If you want to communicate with me from now on, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.
"I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I cannot see you under these conditions."
Only you would put the name of your nominated person. I've acted as an IM for a number of people and it is simplest if the person is on Team You, isn't close to your wife and they communicate via email only. This way the correspondence is logged and it is very simple for your IM to edit down to the bare facts before passing info on.
It's also easier for the IM to go 'nahhhh' and refer her to the wishes expressed in your letter when your wife insists on direct contact with you, if they are not close.
You should have your plan B set up and block your wife on all other methods of contact.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Folks, he is not in Plan B!! He is trying to get divorced. Desty, now is the time to STOP setting yourself up for failure. At some point MrLogic needs to step in here and help you overcome your - VERY BEATEN DOWN AND WARPED - emotions. DO NOT go over there. Just tell her it would be better if you worked out the final details over email. Ask her what her concerns are. If this can be worked out via email, then fine. If not, then you need to have your attorney work it out. STOP the insanity and step away. You know what's really amazing is that 8 years ago, I was a confident retail manager running a 50 million dollar operation and now I stepped down from my job, second guess every decision,email,interaction with my kids and every interaction I have had with my wife. I work more hours not less, becuase I am more lost than when i started.Really has been a journey. Operation pick myself up by the bootstraps has to start. I have to get the guy that she said she didn't like back. Seemed like everyone liked him... Building confidence comes from taking back control of your life and demonstrating to yourself that you will make decisions in your best interest. For many years you have volunteered to be gaslighted, abused and neglected. it is time to stop it. Don't go to all the trouble of removing yourself from this sick, dysfunctional environment only to keep going back for more. DON'T SNATCH DEFEAT FROM THE JAWS OF VICTORY!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I emailed my wife the divorce documents so she could review. I put in the email that we could discuss in person if needed, but that i would rather do it via email. She just emailed me back and said that it would be easier to discuss in person. Email her back and say: "on second thought, I would prefer to discuss it over email. What are your concerns?" I am a man of my word, but honestly I dont want to get upset. you didn't make any promises!! Don't sacrifice your well being on the alter of some silly notion about giving your word. You didn't!! And even if you did, the only thing worse than making a bad promise is KEEPING A BAD PROMISE. ] Also, I dont want to sound weak, but I do want to be honest. I am more concerned with you BEING WEAK. You sound weak because you ARE weak, the reason is because you have volunteered to be persistently beaten down. Bottoms line is it bothers me and for some strange reason I still want to be married. I really do t want to see her and I want her to know it bothers me.... Where is MrLogic in all this insanity? Now would be a good time for MrLogic to show up and start helping you overcome your sick emotions. You have been in this mess so long because your emotions are leading the charge. That has to change.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How much alcohol do you drink on a weekly basis? Do you take any narcotics?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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] I put in the email that we could discuss in person if needed, but that i would rather do it via email. This is called one step forward and 10 steps backwards!! You already know seeing her screws you up so why would you even offer this!!! CALLING MR LOGIC!!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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" She just emailed me back and said that it would be easier to discuss in person."
She KNOWS the effect she has on you and knows she is in complete control when you are there. This is a manipulation tactic.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I only drink occasionally and def. No drugs
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I am going to finish the divorce via email. Appreciate everyone's feedback. I dont want to go backwards.
No comment to my reply Email other than I have changed my mind what are your concerns.
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I only drink occasionally and def. No drugs ok, be honest. How much do you drink? I won't judge you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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When was the last time you had more than 3 drinks at a setting?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Probably a week 1/2 ago...and it was 3 beers and only after work.
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I have been very conscious of this during this entire process.
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" She just emailed me back and said that it would be easier to discuss in person."
She KNOWS the effect she has on you and knows she is in complete control when you are there. This is a manipulation tactic. Yep! My wife and I each have family members who do this. It goes away when you decline to discuss anything in person. It's called being assertive and we learned a lot about it from Marriage Builders. People who don't like my "Sorry, I'm not going to discuss that in person" policy get to lump it! Sometimes it's very entertaining till they finally decide that if they want to get anything done with me they will have to do it on terms I'm enthusiastic about rather than getting their way whether I like it or not. 
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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