Melody. That is the truth on the alcohol. I truly try to keep everything in perspective. Because of this forum, I am out on my own now. I am trying to hang on to what I have left.
Probably goes without saying but lack of sleep is probably the #1 issue right now.

Even though this is not Plan B, desty sounds like he desperately needs the kind of break an IM could provide. One moment he's outta there, the next he is back in for a family dinner. It's just what I would do if I was struggling not to boomerang.

The not sleeping thing: it's hard to be tough when you're tired.

Possibly a break from all contact for a few weeks until his sleeping his restored? 'I will not be checking emails until x date, contact lawyer on xxxx'. Turn off alerts. Then when he feels better, email only contact may be doable.

It may also be Desty that all you really need though is the *radical notion* that shes lucky that you take her messages at all. Or the concept that ypu dont have to respond to her when/how she wants. How is it your problem or beneficial to you to communicate how she wants to?

Yes, once his divorce is settled. Once that is settled, he can safely move into Plan B. For now, he needs to get this wrapped up. One step at a time.....

Thanks everyone. I do feel as if I am on a slippery slope and could fall at any time. Has been a thought at times to head to the local pub with a friend and tie one on. I appreciate the help more than you know. Both readings from yesterday and today mentioned to take it one day at a time and trust him. That has always been hard for me.
I sent the email letting her know that I would really like to get the final details done by email. The Bsolute weirdest part of this whole thing is just when I think um at the bottom, I step another one down. Clearly I'm blessed with decent health and 2 beautiful daughters, but man...it just never ends.
Also, my sincere apologies if I sound like a whiney little guy.

Do you have a lawyer who can step in if she won't settle over email? The last thing you need to do is negotiate with her directly.

It's probably a great idea to cultivate a friendship with a nondrinker right now. Or an AA sponsor. Or go out with your daughters and not drink.

I was just kidding...the thought has come but I have a little more willpower than that.yeah my attorney will take care of if need be. I think we will be fine. Not much more she can get than what I am already giving 1/2 of everything.

I am concerned she will try to drag you into meetings because she knows she has an advantage. Has she responded to your email?

Not yet , but I made it clear that I would like to do everything via email. The lawyer said that it is pretty simple anyway. Not a lot to fight about. We do not owe anyone and own our house and have some money so it's really just in 1/2.

There's a difference between "I would like" and "I will." To say "I would like to do everything by email" does NOT say the same thing as "I will do everything by email." She can ignore your preferences (it's not like she doesn't have experience at it!) but she can be stymied by the expression of your will (but you have to stick to it and not back down). You are a broken record; to every alternative suggestion on negotiating, you may simply repeat yourself: "I will do everything by email." Make her sick of hearing it.

tl

Melody,
I am still waiting for a response . I assume that being extremely exhausted doesn't help my cause at all. To your point last night, if it bothers me then why would I see her. The answer is simple. I am not obligated and I choose not to see her. I think you are right. I have been beat down mentally for so long, it have lowered my self esteem to a level I have never known. I wait for a crumb of anything.

Desty, did you see thndernling's point about saying that you WILL rather than you would like? I thought that was a good point. If she responds back that she wants to do this in person, I would reply that it won't work for you, that you need to just work it out via email. If she doesn't agree, then your lawyer can handle it.

I would avoid direct contact with her completely until you get this finalized. Once you do that, you can cut off ALL contact. Once you cut off all contact, you will feel much better much faster!

Agreed

There is probably very little to discuss. If your lawyer says it is simple then meeting her can only serve to create complications.

I know you and Melody are right. I have left and went back so many times over the last 8 years. If I am honest, the absolute scariest piece is possibly not finding someone that can give you what you're looking for and even more important that what you're looking for doesnt exist.

What has brought you back? Thinkng back over the years what has kept you there?

Yep! Assertiveness - it's a beautiful thing.

At first you'll find yourself worrying "What if she gets upset when I tell her I won't meet in person?"

Then later on you'll find yourself thinking "She may get upset when I tell her I won't meet in person. This could be entertaining!" It feels so, SOO much better when you know you won't bend and she's having her conniption fits off by herself somewhere.

It's a lot like dealing with a child's temper tantrum. Mostly you just sort of shrug.

I think I just wanted to believe her and I thought it was my fault and honestly I dont l know anything else. I remember when i first found out by seeing the phone Bill's. It took her almost three weeks to end it. Becuase she said it was hard coordinating around the work, kids etc
Then I told her one day that I couldn't take it. She went to the store
.when she came back she said it was all set...no questions asked and no answers
That is a snap shot of 7 years...different things happening that throw me on a tailspin...then I leave.
Most recent when i decided to go back to my bedroom,she said that was fine. On one of final conversations i asked her why she was ok with me next to her in bed..she said it's my bedroom as well.
Just hear after year of riddle after riddle...when his wife have me his cell phne. She never said anything when confronted..this has been my life while all the time blaming myself. I just never knew what she needed. Then she would always say things like of I stay I'm afraid you wp t be able to realize your Hope's and dreams
In a nut shell my life has been one giant revolving riddle with no answers

The goofy part is if I had someone else I think I would be fine..so maybe just afraid of being alone

I distinctly remember when we were on vacation and she told me that she felt that we were roommate's (the affair was going on-i found out 4 months later). When she said that we were roommates, I was devastated. I remember her telling me that she couldnt help me becuase sur wsa confused.