Hi Melody
No i don't have contact with the one he had sex with while i was asleep in our bed on more than one occasion.
The other Sister was not interested and told me my husband was a "player". I am the stupid Wife in this who never learns,just found out last 3 month's how long it lasted
after not remembering for 40 years i now have heard from 1st date to colour of underwear and the sex positions.
To say i am an emotional wreck on my way to see Therapist and hopefully i will get a life.
i am 66 years of age been with this man since before my 16th birthday.
When i originally found out about the 1st lady friend was told it lasted a couple of month's i told him if he wanted to go please go i don't want a man
who would rather be somewhere else he stayed why i don't know he says family i'm not sure if it was his children as we had one child and planned pregnancy while
affair was going on he said then and now he loves me i asked what does that mean(love). I don't know if this marriage can survive as he still doesn't how deep the hurt is.
For him it was over 40 years ago but it's all that has happened between now and then no respect or trust long gone, we have a wonderful family,grandchildren who love him
dearly. From M's Wife

Hello MW! Welcome Marriage Builders. Yes, your marriage can be saved if he changes his habits. That has not happened yet. The fact that he just went out to a bar with a woman means nothing has changed. He was also accused of trying to have an affair recently. If you want to save your marriage, you need to start by setting up your lives so you are together 24/7. You should never be apart. And he certainly should never go to bars with women or ever even have the opportunity to pick up women. Otherwise, you should not consdier staying with him.

Do you have full access to his phone, email, everything? Here is the checklist to affair proof your marriage:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

HI
Thanks for your feedback i wish i could believe this marriage is saveable just don't think my husband realises how deep this hurt goes
i stupidly ask questions that was none of my business which he answered wonderful for someone who has had a memory problem for the last 40years
and thought he need to be truthful and promptly answer my questions about him and girlfriend sexual details even after i said please protect me from myself
i needed to hear about their 1st date from someone who can't remember about our or anniversary and then next day will tell me it was 40years ago and he lied to me i was
told it lasted a few months instead of the years it did plus all that has happen since all feedback welcome please help i don't want to be his police force and i don't trust him
M'wife

I think I can speak for everyone here who has experienced betrayal when I say that the lies are worse than the adultery itself.

"Oh what a tangled web we weave / When first we practice to deceive."

The lies leave you with the feeling that everything the wayward has ever said or done through your entire marriage is probably a lie. Of course you do not trust him. Why would you?

But rather than digging and digging into tiny details of past history, what you really need is for him to start being open, honest and truthful don't you? That begins with an acknowledgement by him of how he has wronged you and a genuine commitment on his part to be different. Dr Harley recommends a one time full confession of everything and then for the subject to be left alone. Each time you bring up the betrayals you renew the hurt to yourself.

Look at the list of extraordinary precautions that Mel posted and see if the two of you can enthusiastically agree to them. A recovered marriage is a beautiful thing but it does not happen easily. But your reward in being able to enjoy your grandchildren together is enormous.

Mervyn'swife, did you read my post?

yes thank you but i don't think i can be his police women i have a group of women i do a hobby with and i wouldn't like to give it up which
means he will be on his own for a few hours and i need to trust now i'm so full on anger one minute and tears the next the anger is with him and myself
for being so blind and stupid to believe all the lies and staying in this relationship
thank you for all your help
M'wife

Hi
i think a miss one of your post just read now do agree i can be my own worst enemy just so angry but surely when it confession time i don't need to know all the detail from underwear to 1st date when how often and how if i do please there must be a kinder way
thanks M'wife

It was too much trust that has caused all this trouble. you KNOW he cannot be trusted, so that is a foolish thing to say. You DON'T trust him. Your emotions are telling you something is very wrong and that is why you are so angry and distraught.

It will STAY THAT WAY unless and until you and your husband make radical changes in your lifestyles. If you won't do that, then I PROMISE you there will be more affairs.


This is silly talk. You don't TRUST and that is not true. What you need to do is affair proof your marriage. Sticking your head in the sand is why he has been so reckless. STOP.

Your anger will fade way IF AND WHEN you affair proof your marriage. If you won't do that, then your resentment will GROW. This idea that you need to "trust" is silly. Too much "trust" has brought you to this terrible place. you have know for YEARS that he could not be trusted and did nothing about it.

It is time to stop pretending you "trust" him. YOU DON'T.

Hi
Maybe if he had been a better husband emotionally in the years after the sexual encounters and didn't lie swearing all the time it was few months i would be in a better place
it's the lying all he memories we shared all lies if feel physically and emotionally abused and unfortunately i still have feeling for him
m;wife

Do you want to save your marriage? No one will fault you if you want to divorce. What do you want to do?

You are correct. The solution is for him to be a better husband by:

a) affair proofing your marriage. you need to set up your lives so he CAN'T cheat again. If you are with him 24/7 he won't be able to cheat. He still has a swinger lifestyle, though. I mean, what kind of married man goes to bars with women?? And why would you ever tolerate that?

b) creating a romantic relationship

Unless you make those changes, you are facing MORE affairs and years of resentment and anger. So what do you choose?

Hi Mervyn's wife, you are so welcome!

Hugs!!!!!!

Some words on trust from Dr Harley:


In short:
1) Trust is not your job! You don't have to generate the appearance of fake trust, because it's your husband's job to make the trust happen.
2) Following the affair recovery checklist is your husband's job! For you it's just a guide as to what to expect.
3) There is no requirement to trust a thoughtless, secretive person who hurts you. Not even if he is your husband!
4) There are ways for even a proven cheat to prove themselves trustworthy. He can follow the checklist any time!
5) Your husband's job involves getting your full agreement before acting on anything, it's HIS job to be thoughtful.
6) Your husband's job involves volunteering information so he can no longer hide behind lies to be thoughtless.

You have always done your job as his wife. Make sure he does his.

It makes my head ache to think how exhausted you must be after this many years of infidelity and one sided effort. No one here underestimates the toll it takes on you. No one is trying to give you an extra job, but rather a set of standards to protect your health.

You don't have to take on the role of policewoman, if he is doing the work! Push this responsibility onto the right plate!

Hi
Thank you for your feedback
I really thought we had worked threw these affairs i have lost one sister and still my husband doesn't understand the hurt and when i have tried to tell him that he is playing with people's feelings mine and the ladies he flirts with even if i'm there he will tell me i'm over reacting
I thought these retirement years we would have been enjoying i cannot afford to leave our home but more than that we have a wonderful family
unit and have great pleasure from our grandchildren,but i can never go threw this hurt again
My husband says he wants to save this marriage and is learning to be a better husband i told him decency and respect is something at the age of
74years should come naturally even at a
young age he has very seldom treat me or my body with respect,for 40 or more years he lied to me and now some of the details of the affair he
has told me even when i asked him not too has shock me sometimes i look at him and think of the few good years and do i want to save this marriage only if i can be treated as a woman if he needs his ego to ber fed by more than one woman i can't stand by and watch, he slept
with my sister while i was asleep how do i overcome that and then flirts with the other who was here on holiday even after i told him to stop
he tells me i'm not doing anything i tell him i'm not blind
Is there any hope
M'wife

Help
how do i cope with this anger i feel towards this man this violence,i can't get peace something so stupid will trigger either hurt or the most terrible
anger i think i have lost myself i don't know how to cope with this violence what can i do why did he have to lie he has made me feel so worthless
Why doesn't he leave our children left home 20years age he say he loves me what doe that mean i know what i thought i had doesn't exist i don't know this man he has shock the hell out of me what i do for my sanity
M'wife

Yes that's typical. You mention his memory problems too - we call that the fog. People with addictions turn off half their brain.

Don't ask for understanding or insight from an addict; they just need to DO THE CHECKLIST.



Nope! Not your job!




It's not your job to solve your feelings or clean up a mess you didn't make. Unless he is spending every minute implementing the checklist he is not doing his job of paying you Just Compensation.

You will remain angry until he pays you JC and gets out of the fog.

Unless he does the checklist, you should turn your back to him and get him to leave. It's being around an unremorseful cheat that is making you angry.

It's probably played merry hell with your health too.

The way you cope with the anger is to follow the plan I outlined above. If you will affair proof your marriage, creating a safe environment and a happy marriage you won't be angry anymore.


No, there is no hope if he continues to flirt with women and continues to behave like a single man. He recently went to a bar with a woman and that is not the behavior of a man who is serious about saving his marriage.

"i need to trust now"<------this type of thinking is a big reason why your marriage is in such a bad place. Pretending you trust him while ignoring the problems has made the problems bigger.

You have not held him accountable. If you are not serious about protecting your marriage, then he won't be either.

Hi Melody
Many thanks for all the info.you have help me,the feeling someone is there.
Don't know if this marriage will make it but i'm getting stronger emotionally every day.

Will he do the checklist though?


You could be emotionally bulletproof and that still doesn't make being continually shot at either romantic or survivable.

Checklist: Yes or No?