WARNING: ESSAY POST AHEAD!

I am in desperate need of help - I am passed breaking point and I don�t know what to do! Please can somebody help me!

My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years, dating for 2.5 before that. I was 22 when we met with a long history of self esteem and anger issues and a huge amount of baggage from 2 ex�s who had broken my heart. I entered into the relationship with a lot of fear of getting hurt, a desire to be an �independent woman� and deep struggles with a worldly vs Christian life. I was very stupid and selfish. During the first 4 months there were a few other guys I was attracted to, multiple episodes of flirting, a visit to an ex (who I was not over), times alone with guys I had had flings with etc and to top it off when I was confronted with it I denied everything and got angry with my husband for being �jealous and controlling�. Over the following about 8 months we fought constantly with him accusing me of cheating and being after other guys and me denying it all (because I hadn�t kissed anymore else I justified my other behaviour plus I had stopped going to functions and being alone with other guys). Eventually I started to see things from his perspective and finally admitted that I had made some very big mistakes. We were then able to start working through the hurt that had been caused and soon after we found Dr Harley and his concepts really helped. It took about 18 months of hard work every day to talk through things and restore trust and I gave everything to fixing my mistakes. The problem was that there were already some things I had forgotten and so we were not able to talk about everything however my husband was satisfied enough that I was honest and he trusted me again.

What I did not understand is that he had given up on having any kind of intimate connection with me and only really wanted me to be honest. I thought he was hard with me because of how I had hurt him but that over time he would see what he meant to me and open to me. We got married and I had high hopes of a romantic intimate relationship but didn�t force anything because of our past. I hoped that in time he would want that with me. In the first 3 years of our marriage I craved intimacy and romance with him. But he thought I didn�t want it from him and didn�t give it. He even slept in another room. We had zero romance and very little sex. I eventually gave up on having that with him and we�ve had a �happy� life with our two kids ever since.

A year ago something happened to spark off renewed trust issues in him. It was a turning point for us and we talked properly for the first time in years. We had real proper sex for the first time in years. And we were both excited for a chance at something real and intimate. The problem with becoming intimate is that it�s brought back all the hurt I caused him at the start of our relationship. He feels second grade because of the intimate moments I shared with other people when we first started dating. Also he is hurt by the fact that I had very strong feelings towards someone I dated before him and that he and I have never shared those feelings and desires (I think it�s because our whole relationship has been about issues, he thinks I can never feel like that for him cos he�s not the type of man I could see that way - hence the initial issues). I also discovered that I have never fully gotten over the 2 ex�s that broke my heart and during one of our very big fights I had a fantasy of going back to the one. This destroyed him. He desperately needs to know everything that happened during those first 4 months, who I was with, what we did, how I felt, what my intentions were etc and I can�t remember much of it anymore. I�ve tried for almost a year to remember and I only have some memories but not enough. His most important need is honesty and I can�t give him that because I don�t remember he has lost all sense of self worth, he doesn�t feel like a man anymore and he is depressed 24/7. All we do is fight and shout at each other. Because I can�t tell him what happened, he makes up his own ideas of what was likely. That I just used him, that he was the �good long term� option but that I found it hard to give up on the men that I had sexual attractions towards, that the only reason I could marry him was because I no longer needed someone I was sexually attracted to etc. I feel like the most worthless person and not deserving of anything and I think so does he. I know he is wrong about what he thinks, and that I can very much have those desires towards him but he just does not believe it and I don�t blame him. I am desperate to make this right and have a chance at something amazing but I don�t know how without remembering what he needs to know. Our story is so rotten I don�t know how to fix it anymore.

Please can someone tell me, what must I do?? I don�t want to ask him to do anything, I need to know what I can do. Is there any hope?

Welcome to MB, I�m sorry under such sad circumstances. Do you listen to the radio show daily? What I learned really quickly is that when you have a great marriage in the present, where both of your needs are met, the past stays in the past, and neither partner is disturbed by it. I encourage you to write Dr. Harley. I know you said you don�t want to involve your H at all, but he isn�t trusting you in the moment and I think Dr. H can give him the reassurance he needs so badly right now. What a sad lie to believe for so long, that he�s just being used, that you�re worthless. I can�t wait to see you two have a happy fulfilling marriage for the first time.

Thanks so much for your reply. I did think of writing to Dr Harley but I�m sure he�s a very busy man so didn�t expect a reply. I will look into doing that, thank you!

Also wanted to clarify after rereading my post.. my husband doesn�t think I am worthless, in fact he thinks the world of me which is why things have hurt him so much. I am the one who feels worthless and I think he feels he is worthless because he was �never enough for me�. I was hoping if we could create an amazing present marriage then the past wouldn�t bother him anymore but unfortunately every wonderful moment we share reminds him of the past and in fact seems to enhance the pain. He feels because he doesn�t know all the details that I share something special with these other men that will never go away. Like it�s set in stone for eternity. I hate what it has done to him!

Hi MrsD, welcome to Marriage Builders. The problem with your marriage is that you keep bringing up the sad events of the past. If you are talking about the past, you are distracted from making the present and past great. I would pledge to never bring up the past again. Don't discuss it ever again. Every time it comes up, the unpleasantness of the past is brought into the present. It will ruin your marriage.

Instead, enlist your husband to make your marriage a happy, passionate, romantic relationship. If you follow these steps - and leave the past in the past - you can have a fantastic marriage. Basic Concepts

and read this: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts
and Restore Love to Your Marriage

Pick up this book: His Needs Her Needs

and this workbook: FIVE STEPS TO ROMANTIC LOVE

Not that you had an affair - you didn't - but Dr Harley wrote this about a situation that is similar to yours:

here

Thanks for the advice. I agree with you that the past is definitely ruining our marriage. But I also understand that he feels if he doesn�t know about it then I�m �getting away with it�. To him it is definitely an affair. At the very least emotional. He also believes that it�s likely I did kiss at least one of these men and that I have blocked it out of my mind due to guilt. Because I have forgotten so many things I wonder if he is right. I almost don�t believe my own memories anymore.

His need for honesty and openness is bigger than most people�s. He tells me everything, even any memories and details from his past relationships because he wants me to be included and know what he knows. He doesn�t want to have anything intimate with anyone other than me and feels if there are �secrets�, even if they are not intended, that is tarnishes what we share.

I will have a read of the links you shared, thank you.

This is where you should start. Start by explaining to him that you will never discuss this again and he is not to bring it up. It is over. But you have to stop rewarding him for trotting this out over and over again. Did you read the article excerpt about a spouse who uses past mistakes as a means to control his spouse?

And no, this is not an "affair." Not even an emotional affair, you weren't married. Not that it should even be discussed, but you should know that.

Change starts with you, MrsD, start by explaining to him that this should never be brought up again!

I don't think so, but even if it were the case....

SO WHAT? Would it better if you denied feeling any guilt and told him you don't feel bad about it?

I don't see how you not remembering some random dudes from ye old days can be a stick to beat you with. It's his CONSTANT unhappiness that's beating you up, not your forgetfulness.

Make no mistake he's keeping himself in a state of unhappiness and panic by harping on something which is unresolvable. It helps no one to allow it. If he had a solution you could do like 'oh I just need you to show me your letters from ye old days' he would have proposed it by now. There's no reason to bring it up with you because you can't help him with this, and allowing him to keep bringing it up keeps it alive in his mind. If its so painful to him, he would want this to stop.

What (doable thing) has he actually asked you to do?

Nothing. You are refusing him nothing.

I say this as someone who has a chronic need for O&H, and I would feel strongly about exes, never mind dating rivals; but it is very unpleasant to needlessly harp on your spouses old love imagery and he needs to either ask for a course of action or stop.

He also needs to learn about disrespectful judgements. (Look it up in the lovebusters section) Telling you you feel guilt, but that you don't know you feel guilt, and his superior knowledge of your psyche entitles him to....what? Have lots of fights and torture himself?

Stop the madness.

Has your husband posted here in the past? If not, would he be willing to create his own thread?

To those of us who've had marriages, homes, finances, blow up due to affairs. This wording is insulting. He has no idea.

I was going to ask the same questions.

What happened?


Also...
Have you had any contact with these ex-BF's that you still have feelings for during your marriage? Email, phone call contact? or social media relationships - such as FB friendship?

No there has been no contact with either of them. The last contact was with the one I went to visit when my husband and I had been dating a few weeks but I don�t remember that visit or what happened. Earlier this year my husband met him by chance and this is when I had some renewed feelings and that fantasy about going back to him.

Also they both live in a different country to me.

The event to bring up old trust issues wasn�t to do with another man. I was overseas for two weeks for a family birthday and had promised my husband I wouldn�t go out alone at night (as it�s an extremely dangerous country). I did anyway without telling him. From there all the old issues from the past came up and we haven�t been able to move forward since.

No he hasn�t posted here before. I�m not sure if he would want to but it would be good to see from his perspective.

Thank you so much for the replies. I really appreciate your time and advice. I understand what everyone is saying however knowing how much this means to him I really don�t think �letting it go� is an option. I also feel wrong asking him to stop talking about it because he has genuine feelings related to what happened and I owed him the truth back then. I was the one in the wrong. I could have done that from the start instead of being a fool and saved us all this misery. He feels like a fool and I can�t bear that. I really don�t believe he is using it to control me. I think he loves me very much and that�s why it hurts so much. In all honesty I was hoping for some advice on what I could do haha I�ve even looked into hypnotherapy to bring back memories but it doesn�t seem very likely to work.

Practical things I have offered are a lie detector test so he knows I am at least honest with him (but this does nothing to fix the issue of forgotten memories) and contacting these men and asking them to tell him what happened. We have actually contacted the one already. Not much came of it but he was very helpful and understanding. My husband doesn�t believe they will be honest anyway if we did in fact �get physical� so that solution isn�t good enough either. Plus what matters to him are my intentions and desires more than if we actually did anything.

I need a magical way to access my memories.

I will talk to him about maybe posting on here himself.

What are these details he is asking for though? If you were engaged to a guy and forgot his name, and he popped up to live next door and you still don't remember him, he has a point. However I don't think you've forgotten anything that big, have you?

So what kind of details does he expect you to remember? Is it five details or ten?

Is there a limit?


I'm sorry but you were completely entitled to take your time at the beginning of a relationship before acting like a married woman. Four months in before committing to him as your only option entirely is FINE. Him pressuring you into it is not.


Oh he does for sure. I have no doubt his pain is real but it is a terrible and extremely unhealthy habit he has fallen into to. You should not be supporting It!

Just like the way some people self harm in order to get the after-relief, your husband is addicted to talking this over and getting reassurance from you. So much so that he is willing to relive old pain over and over again. Never healing.

He has no solution because he does not want it to stop. He wants the impossible because he does not want it to stop. You could find that magic wand and he would find a way to use it to go back into the past and stay there forever!

Most people feel unloveable or inadequate sometimes. We all wonder if our spouse could do better. That's normal! While most adults learn to self soothe, your husband just cuts himself and bleeds at your feet for your company and insistence on loving him only until he's done feeling that way.

He never considers how painful this is for you (more painful than for him actually; a person you love! You feel responsible!) because he is genuinely in (self inflicted) pain. When we are in pain we become thoughtless.


He does expect you to let it go though. Whenever you suggest a solution (lie detector, huh? We would only recommend that for a serial adulterer...that's intense) his response is; Stop trying to solve this! I will NEVAH be able to get past this! What about the stuff you don't remember though?!! (Yeah, what ABOUT that?)

At the end of the day you never had affairs and you don't withold radical honesty. You. Offered. A. Lie. Detector. Test.

You are not the problem here.

I also just want to clarify that we don't mean simply abandoning him to his fears. There ARE healthy ways he can use to discuss his issues using this program.

Safe, respectful conversations.

It would be extremely easy to reassure him using this program.

But you have to stop the bad habits first.


"Darling, by allowing these conversations I fear it looks like I agree with them. I do not. I do not believe you are unloveable or that this is a marriage of convenience. If you try to insult my husband in my presence I will leave your presence".

Start with lovebusters before you try to tackle radical honesty. If you do it the wrong way round the 'honest' conversations are nothing but judgements, insults and fear.

You are proposing to wreck your marriage [worse than it is] and we will not help you do that. Like we said, this should never be brought up again. You should refuse to discuss it again. You are actually making it worse for your husband - and you - by trying to remember all this nonsense. You keep him obsessed and make your marriage an unhappy place. What you are doing is making the situation WORSE by trying to bring up memories that keep your obsessed husband triggered.

Did you want help to make your marriage better? We can help you with that, but we won't help you enact destructive ideas like you mentioned above. It is sick and dysfunctional.

Issues of the past should not be brought up again, period. This was not even a "mistake" because you were not married. You had every right to date around.

You are both actively working to make your marriage an unhappy, insecure place by pursuing your memories. You need to put a stop to it, MrsD. It is sick and dysfunctional. It hurts you both and prevents you from making your marriage a happy, romantic relationship. Nothing we tell you to do will overcome the destructive tactics you are employing.

Thank you all for your feedback. I hope I don�t come across as ungrateful or argumentative. I feel very broken and lost at the moment and I really want to do the right thing. I�m so scared of doing the wrong thing - perfectionist personality problems!

I have another question that I�ll put in another post.