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Originally Posted by CYk752

Can I Plan A? Sure but for what purpose? If I feel like this and the feedback I'm getting is its not gonna happen for her, than to what end? I'm a decent person not an [censored] but I don't want to be walked over or taken for granted.


There really is no purpose other than to treat her well while you are in the process of moving on.


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I reached out to my lawyer but am still waiting to hear back on the timeline.


Good deal! I would also speak to her about your plans to move forward wtih the divorce.




"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I hear your concern that Plan A can be misconstrued as being a walk over. You might be overlooking the fact that a major part of Plan A is where you stand up for yourself. Saying that you believe in telling the truth and that cover ups of adultery are not ok.

Saying that you would rather be divorced than be a party to predictable adultery is a huge factor in Plan A. It's a noble stance and is actually very caring. As you already know it's a stance that has to be repeated and held firm to.

I think that once you know your timeline you'll know whether or not you will want to spend that amount of time in contact with your wife.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Cyk, I wrote a Plan B letter because I was afraid I was going to take my XH back before making the changes that would set us up for success. It sounds like you are getting to a point where you will not settle, but I think it may help you to write out a Plan B letter anyway even if you do not give it to her.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
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Im so glad you called into the show! Im halfway through so I didnt hear the advice yet but Im hoping it helped you find peace.


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I did write in to the show and was very surprised not only did I hear back but was invited on.
It was hard to write down the relevant facts and issues and I'm sure I left out some important details but for the purpose of the radio broadcast it was great speaking with Dr Harley and Joyce!
The advice is to stick with Plan A for as long as possible and continue to be the best husband I can be. Also I'll be taking some time off work coordinated with WW to find a mutually agreeable solution, me finding a new job or a joint venture with her. Any thoughts on the show would be great!
We didn't speak over the weekend expect a hello and good bye but yesterday after she got home from work I engaged her in conversation, small talk to start but it kicked it off. She brought up that she wants to see someone about her mental health state as she's depressed and her mind is racing all the time. Made her tea and listened asking questions, being supportive.

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Thats great! I am so glad you got their advice.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Here is your show Radio Show of CYK752

How are things going?


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Been following the advice from Dr. Harley. Stepped up my game and being the best I can be. Took a couple days off of work for us to spend time together and have some more time off coming up.
Shortly after the radio show she expressed she wanted to see a therapist on her own and has been going to work on some of her issues and struggles she's been having, build up over the years of job stress, us and her affair.
About two weeks ago she told me she wants to try and work on us as she feels we've been in a very good spot lately and it seems it's getting better. She told me a couple days ago that at the recommendation of her therapist she contacted OM in the beginning of October to express some of the guilt and other issues that have come from the affair and she had the realization that he was not a good person or had his life together. She told him she wanted no more contact with him and wanted him to except and respect her choice. She said he blew her off and and wants nothing to do with her anyway.
Things have been good there's still a wall between us and some hesitation from her. I'm not 100% sure it's all true my trust is still gone but I'm trying to not be the pessimist.

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This would be an excellent report but for the bit about her therapist. Such people should be banned from dealing with people that have had affairs. The advice to speak to OM to express guilt and "other issues" was like suggesting putting a match in a petrol can; the whole affair could have re-ignited and killed your marriage dead. I am absolutely horrified at that advice. The only recommendation should have been for her to write a no contact letter with the wording that Dr Harley advises, and for you to have sent it. Your wife is doing herself more harm than good by going to a therapist anyway, to rake up old issues and to rehash things that happened in her past. What she needs to focus on is practicing good behaviour in the present. I'm sure you've been warned how destructive individual therapy is to marriages, especially after an affair.

You need to monitor very closely to see that she wasn't lying to you about his rejecting her, or that she does not try again to get him to see something she thinks he hasn't understood properly. Any more contact between them will set you back to day one.

Did you know she had contacted him? Did your spying allow you to see that? How will you know if she does it again, or he contacts her?


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
This would be an excellent report but for the bit about her therapist. Such people should be banned from dealing with people that have had affairs. The advice to speak to OM to express guilt and "other issues" was like suggesting putting a match in a petrol can


Yes, that is insane! People fall in love with the people that they share their intimate feelings with. She doesn't need to confess her guilt to the other guilty person - she needs to confess it to her victim, if anyone. And as SugarCane said, what she really needs to do is practice good marriage building behavior in the present.

I would fire that therapist in a heartbeat. Yesterday. Last year.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by CYk752
She brought up that she wants to see someone about her mental health state as she's depressed and her mind is racing all the time.


Dr. Harley is a big fan of short term antidepressants, which can be prescribed by any regular doctor. (I asked my doctor to prescribe them for me in 2013 - good decision!) He also sometimes recommends anti-anxiety medication, which if I remember right can be taken as needed.

Your wife and your marriage and you would probably get a lot more benefit from her just going to a regular doctor and asking for antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications than going to a therapist who doesn't know that to fix a marriage you get the offender to care for the victim, and vice versa.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by CYk752
About two weeks ago she told me she wants to try and work on us as she feels we've been in a very good spot lately and it seems it's getting better.


When she says that, take her on a date.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
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To say I'm not thrilled about the individual therapy let alone the recommendation to contact OM, is an understatement!
I had been happy with how things have been but contact from advice from her therapist have me uneasy. I think it was horrible advice and I have been pushing for Dr. Harley's no contact letter.
It would still be nice to get sorrow and guilt speech from her but I'm going to keep pushing forward.

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Originally Posted by CYk752
To say I'm not thrilled about the individual therapy let alone the recommendation to contact OM, is an understatement!
I had been happy with how things have been but contact from advice from her therapist have me uneasy. I think it was horrible advice and I have been pushing for Dr. Harley's no contact letter.
It would still be nice to get sorrow and guilt speech from her but I'm going to keep pushing forward.

What does she say when you ask her to send a NC letter?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts

What does she say when you ask her to send a NC letter?


My last conversation which prompted me to write in, she didn't want to cut off all contact or block/delete OMs number was because it was someone she cared for and she didn't see the point in doing so. That nearly pushed me over the edge but I took Dr. Harley's advice, I can't help but have the feeling after she told me he blew her off that she was making an effort because the affair was falling apart and me the 2nd option.
Either way we've been spending more and more quality time together she's still stand offish at times, she has saying I love you, which makes me feel uneasy when she says it and I'm not sure why?

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Did you answer my questions? I didn't see where:

Originally Posted by SugarCane
Did you know she had contacted him? Did your spying allow you to see that? How will you know if she does it again, or he contacts her?


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Did you answer my questions? I didn't see where:

Originally Posted by SugarCane
Did you know she had contacted him? Did your spying allow you to see that? How will you know if she does it again, or he contacts her?



I hadn't been looking at all the spying, I need to stop being so consumed by it daily, but looked through everything after she told me and the last contact she had since I had posted previously about it was 2-3months I think? I'll need to look back.
I've told her in as many ways I can that if it starts back up we're done, I had also told her numerous times that if we were to make any steps in repairing us she had to cut all contact and her not wanting to "because it was someone she cared" for had me at the end.
I can have have unconditional love but I won't be taken advantage of or walked over.

Last edited by CYk752; 10/26/18 03:03 PM.
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Originally Posted by CYk752
Originally Posted by SugarCane
Did you answer my questions? I didn't see where:

Originally Posted by SugarCane
Did you know she had contacted him? Did your spying allow you to see that? How will you know if she does it again, or he contacts her?



I hadn't been looking at all the spying, I need to stop being so consumed by it daily, but looked through everything after she told me and the last contact she had since I had posted previously about it was 2-3months I think? I'll need to look back.
I've told her in as many ways I can that if it starts back up we're done, I had also told her numerous times that if we were to make any steps in repairing us she had to cut all contact and her not wanting to "because it was someone she cared" for had me at the end.
I can have have unconditional love but I won't be taken advantage of or walked over.


This is probably answered up above in the thread, but how long are you going to continue with her before going into Plan B if she does not cut off contact with him?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

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The advice from Dr. Harley was to just keep at it as long as possible and to make myself the better option. I think with her recent change of voicing wanting to work on the marriage if she does reestablish contact or the affair continues I'll have my answer.

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One area that still has me in doubt about her wanting to work on us is her affection and intimacy. She'll cuddle up sitting on the couch or when sleeping, hold hands when we're out (briefly) will kiss me goodbye and say I love you when she leaves for work. But the couple of times I've moved to kiss her she pulls back or anytime I make a move to hug her. I find I'm in a hyper bonding mindset lately despite the fact I keep telling myself to hold back make sure it's real. She's been good about wanting to spend time together and we've been together every moment we're not working.
She brought it up the other night after our date, I went to kiss her and she pulled away. She said that she wasn't ready to have sex or be intimate and she wasn't sure why. She was hoping her therapist could help her.
Like I said everything's been going good but I have this nagging feeling. So with all that I'm not so sure the affair is over. I'm I crazy? Is this normal? I Haven't seen anything come up through spying.

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