Ok history time: I have been married 10 years. We have 3 beautiful girls. They are 10,8, and 2. Just 2 years ago we made the decision to have another child together. This April was informed our marriage was over. She was done. The marriage was never good to begin with. She was never happy. I was never a good husband. All the statements I’ve been reading on here. Just a few months prior she was posting pictures of us on Facebook of how much she loved me and how amazing of a husband I was. Suddenly it was all horrible and awful.

The past year: We went to counseling in April after this. 3 times. She said she was done. I couldn’t fix it. Anything I did was too late and fake. She backed off that at “times” and said we were working on things. I worked on improving and being more loving and present. I read books. I prayed and I really learned about myself and the husband I had been. Nothing improved. She didn’t love me. She couldn’t love me. She moved out in November. We promised it was just space. I supported her(she doesn’t make money) for the next 3 months. She had complete access to the account. I continued to inform her that I loved her and I would do anything to make it work. Nothing changed. She filed in the middle of January.

The affair: After a few days of filing she kept hinting at talking to other people. I finally gained the courage to ask her if she was. She said that she had been talking to another guy for awhile and she felt bad I was trying so she filed. I inormed her that she was leaving me for another man. Then the classic “if you hadn’t done ABC I would have never talked to him.” “This isn’t about him it’s about us.” I suddenly knew who she was talking to and the fog lifted. He went to our church. She had been searching him on Facebook a lot in July. Her phone was always locked and obsessively on her at all times. Her lies began to unravel over the next week. This began in April when I found it when our marriage was suddenly unfixable. Convenient.

The steps: I asked her to stop and work on our marriage. She became defensive and nasty. Bringing up stuff I did while dating 10 years prior. Any and every mistake was suddenly in my face. I was also being jealous and paranoid. She was just “talking”. They never hung out or anything inappropriate. She cooled the next day and said she would stop talking to him when the divorce was final. A few weeks go by and I was informed to never tell the girls about him because that would be “manipulating.” Thought that was odd. I asked them if mom had been talking to anyone. Not only did they know mom was talking to this guy. He had recently been at the house. They had been instructed to not tell their dad (me) because he would get mad. I was called selfish the last year for trying to save our marriage. I was informed I was not thinking of the children by trying to save our marriage. She lied and manipulated my children while claiming I wasn’t thinking of them.

What I did: I immediately pulled up the exposure article I read a few weeks prior. Pastor, family I told them. The lies and blame she built came crashing down. Suddenly this marriage wasn’t failing because of me it was failing because she was having an affair. She built up a narrative that I was emotionally abusive narcissistic. The truth of who was manipulating was now exposed. She exploded for 1 hour. Then for the first time in a year. She said I’m sorry. With no but or blame. She said she would apologize to the girls for bringing them in and getting them involved in her lies and deceit (my god the guilt my girls carried). The pastor I told lent out a hand and offered to speak to us. I asked if she would go with me and she said “I really have to think about that.” First time in a year she’s even considered counseling. This all happened today. I will keep you informed.

Welcome to MB and sorry for what has brought you here.

Is this OM married? Who on OM’s side did you expose to? Did you tell your children she’s having an affair?

Are you back in the marital home? Do you still go to the same church that OM goes to?

Didn’t post it in there. Probably should have. Our marriage problems prior to this were definitely “issues.” I backed off emotionally because coming to her with problems was pointless and they weren’t big enough for me to make a huge deal. I loved her in spite of flaws if you will. She hated that i played Xbox. I did have an addiction that was called out during counseling. I have definitely managed and addressed that issue. I also wasn’t helpful around the house. I work 24 hour shifts and was “chronically tired” or lazy. But the last year I had stepped up and was doing laundry and dishes and cleaning. Nothing mattered for reasons above.

Hi Bravenewworld, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am glad you have done some exposures, but I would do it comprehensively and get it over with quickly. You have a very small window of time to kill the affair with exposure before it is too late. For example, I would certainly tell your girls about the affair immediately if you have not already. Don't give your wife a chance to spin the truth to them. Secondly, I would expose to the OM's family right away. If he is married, tell his wife. Tell his parents and close friends and family. Doing this will make it very hard for the affair to resume. It is important to be comprehensive or the affair will start back up once the shock is over.

I would also caution you about going to "counseling." Marriage counselors are very destructive to marriages and are more inclined to recommend divorce because they have no earthly idea how to save marriages.

We can definitely help you recover your marriage, but FIRST finish off this affair by completing your exposures. Welcome again!!

OM is recently divorced. He’s actually a registered sex offender for having sex with a 15 year old when he was 21. So she also brought a sex offender around my children. This isn’t her. She used to be terrified of that stuff. The OM is in the church band. I told pastor and lots of other members of church. I was “asked” to not go to church anymore about 2 months ago. Was told she was praying and crying for us and she didn’t want me to see that. Obviously it was because of him. I hope some embarrassment from an affair at church will pursade her to find a new church.

I informed the girls that their mom was having an affair with this man. I informed them it wasn’t ok mom lied to them and brought them into this. I also informed them he was not a good guy and to tell me if he’s ever around.

I’m still in the marrital home. She lives in a duplex her friend owns.

Question for you guys. I was in the middle of exposure when she began exploding and I stopped short of sending a message to her sister. She cooled off and apologized so I failed and didn’t send one to her sister in fear it would ruin it. Do I still tell her?

I would get full custody of your girls immediately and get a court order so they are never exposed to this man. We have seen cases where a sexual predator pursued a woman with children in order to get to those children. When a woman is having an affair she has lost her mind and is not taking care of her chilren. You have to protect your daughters at all cost.

Also, you should contact the OM's wife and find out the truth about him.

Of course. Finish your exposures.

Keep in the mind, the goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid her anger at any cost.

Thank for the advice. I did warn her that she has 3 beautiful girls and he may be targeting you. Again I got an irrational response. I find it amazing how you can almost predict their irrational behavior. I am documenting all conversations regarding contact with this guy and my children for court.

I am currently trying to figure out who his wife is. I barely know him outside of seeing him at church. He has me blocked on Facebook now.

Thank you for the courage! I sent it. I also informed her that he is a registered sex offender and has been around my children. She will not be pleased so could be helpful! I know she’s been hiding the fact that he’s registered

It is your job to protect your daughters. Your wife is not herself right now, she is lost in the addiction of an affair. She won't protect them. As you can see, she is irrational. You need to view her the same way you would as if she were a heroin addict. It is important that you keep your daughters AT HOME and do not allow them to go to her house. She won't protect them. On Monday, contact a lawyer and get a court order so this man is never exposed to your daughters. You are ALL they have right now!!

So told her sister last night. She must have text her this
morning. This what I received from my wife this morning.

“Stop texting people dude. ”

“I know your motive there was to expose him. But you threw me under the bus too. “

“I understand needing to help in going about this. But you know you did it the wrong way. You could’ve just went to John. Not the entire church and my family. What you did crossed a huge line and it’s not ok. You have to back off and let me be angry about this otherwise you’re just gonna make it worse. And just stop with the healing. You can’t say that then throw me under the bus to to a church that I attend. “

“I’m livid.”

“You don’t wanna mess with me today.”

I forgot she’s the poor innocent victim in all this.

Does the OM have a facebook page? Can you find his wife and his family?

Also, are there any other family members, close friends that should be included? What about your parents?

When did OM divorce, before or after contact with your wife?

Still searching for information on him. I’m blocked on Facebook from him. This happened early on when I attempted to contact him. Really should have found this site earlier.

Unfortunately I informed my parents and my sister a month ago. Just mostly for support for myself. This was before I discovered this website. She dismissed any advice from them as being crazy and supporting me. Her sister and dad are big influences in her life that she can’t dismiss.

He was divorced before contact with my wife. He currently lives in his parents basement. I obviously know where he lives because that’s public knowledge when you are registered.

If you are blocked, you should be able to sign out, go to his page and find his parents, family and friends. Have you tried that?


That is not unfortunate, that is good!

In that case, you could drive to his home and inform his parents.

The greatest concern in this situation is having your daughters exposed to a sexual predator. Sexual predators will actually target women with daughters for this reason. You MUST do everything to ensure they are never exposed to this man. Your wife will likely coach the girls to lie about seeing this man so you can't rely on her to protect them. You are ALL they have.