I hate being the poster child for stupid but it seems I can't help myself. It's been nearly three years since ending an affair and trying to reconcile with my wife. However a few months ago I located the other woman on the internet. It was a picture in a company's employee roster. I sent her a card congratulating her on her position. I didn't leave a return address. Recently I sent her a birthday/valentines card. I was not looking for a response. In retrospect I was just being stupid. At the time my taker was getting the best of me and I just didn't think it was that bad of an idea.

I have some ongoing anger management issues that I had thought were pretty much under control. At least outwardly for the most part. My wife and I had just spent a lovely weekend together and we had listened to an MBR episode where Dr. Harley discussed using a biofeedback device to help control angry outbursts. I ordered one and hope for it to arrive today.

Additionally, I have a porn addiction. Apparently I need some help dealing with that. It's almost impossible to completely block images of naked and scantily clad women. It is no longer a source for sexual outlet/masturbation. My wife is almost always receptive to my sexual advances.

We have had some friction about who initiates and whether she's enjoying our lovemaking or merely tolerating me. We have, I believe, recently dealt with those concerns and things were moving into pretty blissful times.

That's when the letter came with the two cards I had sent to the other woman along with a note to stop bothering her. Interesting how things come to bite you at the worst possible times. I'm usually pretty good about rationalizing things and pushing the blame onto others. Not this time, this was me screwing up. NO argument. I am trying to do whatever it takes to win my wife back even though it is way outside my comfort zone. Which is why I'm doing the biofeedback, reaching out for help with porn. I'm finally at a point where I can't imagine being without my wife and I only hope that she hasn't finally given up on me completely.

Hi Angus, I noticed that you also posted to Dr Harley which is good idea. The big issue I see is that your lifestyle has not been affair proofed. You are free to pursue the OW and free to look at porn. That tells me that you haven't affair proofed your marriage and removed the avenues that permit you to conduct a secret second life. For example, if you are still chasing porn and the OW on the internet, that would be the place to start. Why are you even on the internet without your wife? Are you familiar with the extraordinary precautions checklist? I will post below.

Given that you have maintained a secret second life all this time while engaging in porn, it is understandable why your wife never felt connected with you and your marriage was never able to take the next step to romance. Have you given up the porn?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Also, there is nothing "stupid" about what you did. It was conniving, sneaky, cruel and thoughtless. Nothing "stupid" about that. To put your wife through this hell all these long years is not "stupid;" it is just thoughtless. She has been wondering for years why none of her efforts made any difference and this all explains why. I will be interested to see Dr Harley's response because I have heard him say before that this program does not work for people who are actively looking for action. I don't know if that applies here, though.


I don't know why any spouse would want to stay in such a situation; I sure wouldn't. Not to be mean, but you are no prize. If I were you, I would put on my A game. And stop saying it is "outside of my comfort zone;" we both know it is not. You have been trying to "win back" some skank for years. I wager there are many more instances that your wife doesn't even know about. She just knows about the times she found out about.

Read The Scourge of Pornography per Dr. Harley and listen to the radio clips

Nice try! However, we are not IGNORANT when it comes to serial cheaters on this forum. Many of us have been married to them and it is a topic that Dr Harley has covered.

What has happened here is more than "being stupid" or letting your "taker get the best" of you.

Serial cheaters care MORE about getting their needs met outside of marriage than they do about the feelings of their betrayed spouse.

Serial cheaters will cling to their SSL (secret second life) and say whatever they have to to get their betrayed spouse to lay off the extraordinary precautions. Like you are doing now.

I sure hope if your poor wife is reading this she isn't swayed by your hand-wringing and fake remorse. I noticed that you did not mention ANYTHING about getting rid of the internet and that is no accident.

Your BW will continue to be hurt by you until you take away ALL (and yes I do mean ALL) opportunity for an affair. That means no ipad, no smartphones and no time apart.

She cannot EVER trust you to protect her or your marriage.

How many affairs have you had?

Hi Angus, I would appreciate a response to my posts. I took my own time and effort to post to you and I would appreciate an acknowledgement and a response to the suggestions I made. I would also like to know how many affairs you have had? It seems like this may be a way of life with you. Is that so?