Another heated talk. But I she admitted this time that she didn’t want to work it out. Which I think came as a shock to her based on her reaction.

She said: What do you want from me? What resources do I need to try? Why are my feelings not accepted?

I’m posting this because I have seen her honestly sincere before and I’m seriously debating about printing some of the resources from MB and see how it plays out. I’m not going to present her the MB website but old school print some things off.

I would stop talking about it. Avoid getting into any heated talks and focus on a) being pleasant and b) getting the intel.

I guess you’re right. Maybe my biggest fear is that she isn’t seeing anybody else and the problem is me. Which if that’s the case I know she done and as no interest if I “fix” myself or not

I understand, but we already knew she "didn't want to work it out." There is no reason to keep fighting over that and making the situation worse. Your situation has all the classic traits of a hidden affair and the objective is to find out the truth, eliminate the OM and remove all the reasons for her to be "done with this." The faster you get the evidence, the sooner we can help you save this.

Have you started this?

@BrainHurts yes actually I have started that and a few others as well.

I managed to look through her email today and I found where she emailed a draft of their company handbook to her personal email. It is a draft she is working on but all harassment or conflict of interest in employment be relativese or significant other must be either reported to or investigated by the HR Director. She is the HR director for where she works. So she notifies herself and decides if her behavior is acceptable? I honestly had to laugh at that

LNB, please put all of your efforts towards getting evidence of the affair. It is critical to move this forward.

Evidence isn't looking good. Looking more like she just wants out of the marriage and at this point I have to respect her decision and move forward, whether I accept it or not.

What is the evidence you have? Phone logs, recordings, GPS tracking? And of course you have to respect her decision. You can't stop her, but you CAN and should dig out the evidence of an affair. That doesn't change. But all of the signs of an affair are here and you need to keep at your intel. I have a feeling you are not trying hard enough because you think it might not be true. That would be a huge mistake. HUGE.

here

What my intel is telling me...so far...is that she wants to pursue him, but he doesn't want to pursue her. Yes, this is circumstantial from the lack of not be able to access her phone to get the app on it until last week. She has stopped being so guarded of her phone and now leaves it laying around the house. What I see her doing now is trying to put as much distance between him and her and her and me, her main focus via phones searches, emails, text messages, fb messages, screen shots taking by the spy app, and GPS locations, and the few VAR in the car I have collected, is that she is trying to pay down as much debt as possible and as been heavily looking at houses online, and in person and talking to realtors to purchase a house. oh and a lot of searches for "summer work clothes" not sure if that plays into anything.

No second phone in anyplace I can find in the house or her car. I had 4hours Saturday to search both house and car for one and I took every minute of it, resulted in nothing

Keep looking and don't give up! I have been here every day for 18 years and this has all the signs of an affair. A woman does not just up and leave for no reason. And no, she has no reason. She is manufacturing grievances to throw you off balance.

Once you get the intel, we can move forward.

My thought is that she doesn't want to have an affair, so she is hoping to pursue this man after the divorce is final. She is just keeping up the "innocent office flintiness" in the mean time but being carful to not overstep or scare him away. And if he reciprocates the feelings after the divorce great, but if not she will be in living on her own in her own house and without an adulteress & lying husband. She may be alone but she will feel free, and I honestly believe she is good with that. Her life her terms.

I'm afraid that perhaps resentment for my affair would be all the reason she would need to leave.

This will be the first week I will have the VAR in her car all week, based on phone logs she has big talking days Monday evenings and Tuesdays evenings, when I can't be around. Hoping for more from that.

But women do not leave their marriages on such a flimsy basis. That is unheard of. What is more likely is that there is an ongoing affair and they have agreed for her to file for divorce so they will be free to pursue the affair, pretending like this isn't the real reason.


That doesnt' end marriages, though. Affairs DO. The solution to a bad marriage is to make it good. But your wife is not interested in doing so. That makes no sense. Her "reasons" are classic wayward behavior. They always manufacture and exaggerate grievances to keep the betrayed spouse off balance. It is CLASSIC behavior.


Keep at it!

Just hard to sit and read and watch she tells her family that I'm lazy, deadbeat, unmotivated, and I don't understand her feelings, where she is coming from, or how she is so unhappy that this is the only solution, as she builds her case for a divorce against me. I'm now referred to as the dumb*** by her family they won't even use my name.

I can't beg because that will reenforce her decision
I can't just sit and do nothing, because that reenforces her decision
I can't try to be more involved in her/our life, because that makes her want to pull back.

I can proceed with the divorce and help get the house ready to sell
I can continue to gather intel

I know this may be unnecessary, but sometimes it helps to just type it out and remind myself

Lost, you're doing great at hanging in there with your search. I'm hoping you'll find more information one way or the other this evening or tomorrow evening.

Melody is right; women don't just whimsically decide one day to end their marriage when they have children. Getting an abused wife with children to separate from her husband is one of the most difficult tasks for the volunteers on this board. Women with kids don't just up and decide we'd like to explore for greener grass. We don't.

You are 4 years post (your) affair. You've provided:
--radical honesty to her,
--transparent accountability,
--lifestyle modifications so further affairs could not be suspected, and
--changed your behaviors in the presence of other women, etc etc.

This is exactly what helped betrayed wives start recovering from affairs. By now, 4 years later, it is beyond peculiar that she has made the decision to end the marriage. Plus, it's beyond peculiar that she is acting like a typical, foggy and wayward wife.

Melody has helped 100's - maybe 1,000's - of marriages in affairs and she has the textbook memorized. It's a textbook because all of their threads unfold the same. She's smelling a rat, so just stay with it a little longer to keep looking.

In the meantime, slow roll any separation or divorce.

As was suggested earlier, you insist that your home be their primary location and that your wife get a visitation schedule in her new location. There is no reason for them to change their schools and communities, etc etc. Don't allow her fantasy of starting all over with your children in another city and and with another man feed momentum to her plans. Keep raining reality down into that fantasy. Don't give the impression you'll roll over and give your family away for her new future.

Also, slow roll any divorce expectations. We usually advice spouses who are trying to save their marriages to refuse to talk about divorce. You can say "I want to stay married to you. I'm not going to discuss divorce with you. If you want to talk about divorce, you'll need to talk to my attorney." Make this a broken record.... This will cause her to see that divorce will not be the quick/easy arrangement that you work out together without expensive attorneys, so it, too, might dampen her momentum and fantasy.

The first several pages of Wifedivorcing's thread will give you some great ideas on strategy of dealing with a foggy wife, and what to expect at this early stage of your fight for your marriage.

This is really hard to weather when you are being falsely painted. However, just keep your A game up with regards to interacting with her. Fill her emotional needs and avoid lovebusters while you're gathering intel (we actually call this "Plan A".). This will cause confusion to her plans.



Don't be efficient at working on the house. Slow things down. Refuse to discuss divorce with her. Tell her that you love her dearly and want to stay married; if she wants to talk divorce it will have to be with your attorney. Be a broken record....


Yes! Keep on keeping on.

Great advice from Sunnytimes! Your wife's comments to her family are textbook wayward behavior; she needs to demonize you to them in order to justify her actions. Once you get the evidence, the more likely you can turn that around though. We can help you with the best way to approach them and get them on your side.

Thank you I know this takes time out of your day, I appreciate the time you have taken to guide, answer and encourage me to keep going forward.

You're so very welcome! That's what we do here. I still owe a tall debt of gratitude to all the time this board spent helping me.

But, I'm in a marriagebuilders marriage now, and my marriage is everything we ever dreamed a marriage could be. That's what I sincerely want for you, with your wife, too. I suspect Melody is correct because of the 'tells' in her behavior. If ultimately it is not an affair, marriagebuilders can still help you pursue your wife back. But it's likely an affair.