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Originally Posted by Chloe1
No he is with me know and does not contact this other woman anymore. And have to decide Friday. Before its was next monday but know i told that i m not can a wait longer until friday. And if he stays with me he then have to say this other woman good bye that we can continue to rebuild our love again. have to stop this affair immitedly. He asked my that can i forget this affair ? i said that i have to if we wanna continue and you too. This is not love, the just crushed on her. And if he is not contact this woman any more, then his deep feling will come back. Im really sure about that. But only if we bought want that.

I would insist RIGHT NOW that he either end his affair NOW or he can pack his bags. NOW. Make him leave. That is ridiculous and self destructive to tolerate this. And it makes you look bad. There is absolutely no legitimate reason to drag this out other than making your life a living hell for 2 more days.

Secondly, he can never work in the same place again. Are you aware of this?

He should end his affair by sending that HOE a no contact letter that is written together and sent by YOU. He should agree to NEVER EVER see her again.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Chloe1
50% house is on my name. and childrens will stay with me if he leave. i wont take him back if he leave and realize couple of weeks or month later that he want to come back. then its over. Our family is destroyed then

Your family is already gone. It was destroyed by the affair. Him living there does not mean you have a "family," It simply means he gets to have his affair while enjoying the benefits of having TWO women while living in the comfort of his home.

Keeping him in your house is not a victory if he is having an affair, that is a LOSS.

Many marriages do reconcile after a separation if it is done right. But you should not be desperate to keep him there. It won't help your relationship.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Actually they are not working together but she called him and offered his company bisonide credit info. So he can stop this communication. But first he told that they met at the work but know i now they are not working together. In morning i told him, that he have to decide quickly because i cant take this anymore longer.

But if he is going to end this affair. How we are ending this together? By call him or send textmessage?

And this night i have to let him to the choice when he comes home? Stop this affair or get your things and go away?



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well he called me that he decided to try with me. but want to ask some questions allso. When he is coming home i allso want to ask what is trying? He have to say that he decided to stay with me, and that its. is this normal that he decided to try?
This doesent work if the bouth of us dont really want that? he had to be wanting that and really try hard to recover our open marriage.and have to met my needs and i have to meet him. Otherwise that wont work.
But I will ask him, how he is going to stop this affair with another woman that i will get part of it. Because i have to be sure. It doesent fit that he just saying he called and stopped. Or what is your adwise?


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Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.
here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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He said that he dont want to end it up this way. He want to meet her and end up this affair face to face how i do know then that he really ended up? He said that i just have to trust him. And it is not okay if im going to spy on him when he had stopped that. But if i wanna check and want to be sure that he is not contacting her then he could show me his call register and everything i want. Not phone call register of course because it can be deleted service provider reports. But before i have to ask him and we can watch together. I said if he is contacting her in a future for once then he can back his thing and have leave RIGHT AWAY.
He allso said that his feeling for me have cooled down but he hopes these will come back and as he said he will do his best to meet my needs.

i want him to block this person on fb and emails and calls allso. everything.

But how im going to survive myself. My heart is so broken.


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The best way to end it ts to end contact right away.

There is absolutely no need to contact her in order to end contact. That would be stupid.

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Originally Posted by Chloe1
He said that he dont want to end it up this way. He want to meet her and end up this affair face to face how i do know then that he really ended up? He said that i just have to trust him.

That is unacceptable. He should agree to never ever see or speak to her again or he needs to pack his bags. Of course you don't trust him! This behavior is untrustworthy. He does not get to set the terms for the end of this affair. He agrees to your terms or he packs his bags. Do not allow him to go see his mistress.

He is trying to keep his affair going or he wouldn't be playing this game with you.

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And it is not okay if im going to spy on him when he had stopped that.

It is OK that you spy on him. Since he won't know, this won't be a problem. DON'T TELL HIM YOU ARE GOING TO SPY ON HIM.

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i want him to block this person on fb and emails and calls allso. everything.

He has to delete his facebook and email and change his phone #. NON NEGOTIABLE.


You don't understand, Chloe. He does not get to set the terms of reconciliation. The terms are non-negotiable or you will never recover. You have an extra long hurdle in that you are not even married. That is hopeless if you can't even affair proof your relationship.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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omg what i can do then. He is going to meet her tomorrow and end this affair. He even told his father today, who is knowing his affair and he had asked many of times his advice. And this morning he called father and said that he decided to stay with me. Father said that i should trust that and not pushing because if he say something he will do that. Because before he said that he is thinking about it to father.

should i say my man that i figured out who is that woman or leave it to secret? I will know if he is contacting her future and can easily find out if he is contacted. Should i tell it allso?


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Originally Posted by Chloe1
omg what i can do then. He is going to meet her tomorrow and end this affair.

Tell him NO, that is unacceptable. If he wants to stay wiht you he must agree to NEVER EVER see or speak to her again. NEVER. He must send her the letter I posted and it should be mailed together.

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He even told his father today, who is knowing his affair and he had asked many of times his advice. And this morning he called father and said that he decided to stay with me. Father said that i should trust that and not pushing because if he say something he will do that. Because before he said that he is thinking about it to father.

His father needs to butt out. You have to do what is right for your relationship. And your boyfirend should never ever see or speak to her again.

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should i say my man that i figured out who is that woman or leave it to secret? I will know if he is contacting her future and can easily find out if he is contacted. Should i tell it allso?

You tell him the full name of the HOE and tell him he is to never ever see or speak to her again. If he won't agree to this and send the proposed letter, he needs to pack his bags and leave.

If he won't agree to your terms it is proof he is NOT SERIOUS.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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If he could be trusted, he wouldn't have cheated.

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Chloe, go pack his bags now. Tell him he will agree to end the affair on YOUR TERMS or he needs to leave. The cheater does not get to set the terms of ending the affair. YOU DO. If he will not agree to your terms, he is not serious. Any person who demands to see his mistress to say goodbye is not serious. The last thing you need is to be strung along by a cheater who is not serious.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by goody2shoes
If he could be trusted, he wouldn't have cheated.

Exactly! Asking him to "be trusted" to go see his mistress is about like asking to "be trusted" to go DRUNK DRIVING! An untrustworthy person should not be "trusted" to do something destructive. That is insane.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Dear Chloe,

This is a crucial time for your relationship. You must let him know that you are very serious. He must know, that he has 1 chance of getting you back. To be with you he has to never see and never contact the other woman again.

No last goodbye.
No last words.
No last kiss.
No last sex.

He is crazy if he thinks that you should trust him.
He thinks you are dumb, if he wants you to trust him.

If you let him meet her and give in, he knows he can play with you.
He is playing his cards and he is not honest.

Dr. Harley says, you should only take a cheating man back, if he regrets it and comes back with his hat in his hand.
Your man is not very sorry. He is thinking of himself. He is thinking of his mistHe ress.
He is not thinking about your sadness and your children's tears.

If you are not taking this seriously, he will not take it seriously.
You can show him your best self.
Dress nicely.
Do not yell to the children.
Show him how nice your relationship can be.

But do not let him see the mistress.
He can have a choice:
He can meet her as much as he wants, but then he cannot see you and the children anymore.

The longer this takes, the longer it takes to recover.
Be strong.
Do not fall for his threats, or his sweet talking.

Take care and may God bless you.

Happyheart





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If he does meet her, change the locks on the house, or be gone if he comes back.
There has to be a serious consequence.
We are talking about an affair here.
Not about someone doing a small thing wrong.


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Chloe, if you allow him to meet her again, he will have sex with her and she will talk him into staying with her. That would be a huge mistake.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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He wants to way goodbye to his addiction. One more shot of heroin and then he says he will stop. How does one quit drugs? Not by taking one last shot of heroin. He will miss his addiction more if he sees her one more time.

Stay strong, be firm, protect yourself from this abuse.

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In the morning i made my heart strong and said to him. That he have to stop this affair right now. And He cant do this by meeting him. Find another way do get this done. Call her, send letter or facebook face to face call what ever but he cant meet her anymore. And i will find out if you meet her. He said that it sounds like threatening. i said that take this how do you want but the other option is take your thing and left RIGHT now. He went nerve, i saw that he is not takeing this seriously before and have influenced to this other woman.
I said dont come back before you have done that. And you have to stop any contact with this woman, if you make one contact, only one then you can pack your things. You have only one chance and thats it.

I talked to a very good friends of mine and wanted to ask in here if that is it good if my close friend will call him and talk him? Or should i just wait know and do nothing?



Last edited by Chloe1; 05/10/19 01:19 AM.

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I was asked if he finished this? He said no yet, because this woman is not home tonight. Tomorow he want to meet and say face to face.
And before that he wanna know what i love about him. This is a very hard question to answer right this moment. He has hurted me so much.
He does not accept my conditions. Is this normal? I asked if he regrets what he was doing to me. He said so and so.

Is our relationship can continue this way?


khggdg
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