Hi Forum,

I am a Husband, has been married for 12. Last year, I had an affair and now the OW is expecting a Child in the next few weeks.
My wife, her family and my family already found out about this and I resolved to save our marriage with 2 kids.
The OW is also aware of this and had mentally prepared that I won't be part of her life or the upcoming child.
I found this forum because my wife sent me Dr. Harley's "How to Survive Infidelity - Pregnant with a Lover's Child".
Even before I read Dr. Harley's content, my wife had wanted me to Stop any Contact/Communication with the OW.
My wife had originally allowed me to help the OW...ONLY in case of "Emergency" and accompany the OW to Ob/Gyn, which is scheduled on a weekly basis now since the labor date is coming in few weeks (less than 8 weeks).
I had a difficult conversation with my wife last night, she asked me if I will accompany the OW during Child Labor. Deep in my mind, I believe that is the least that I can do for the OW.
Reading the "No Contact Rule" - How soon should I establish this rule? The OW has pleaded with me that I should do my best to at least be available during the last few weeks of her pregnancy.
Also on the "No Contact Rule" does that apply to "In-Person" or all sorts of communication? Including Chat? Texts? Social Media? Completely No Contact at all?
I believe the right thing is to be there for the OW during her child labor...but I know this is the least of my wife's preference.
Not sure how to go from here... hopefully the forum can share some of their personal experiences with me.

Best Regards,
EDH

What is the least you can do for your wife?

Do the right thing for your wife and family. What would a responsible husband and father do? The damage to your family is already huge, why demolish it even more by abandoning them again to 'support' a woman who tried to destroy your family? The best thing in this terrible situation is to stop hurting your wife and family and start no contact today. No contact is simply no contact. None.

Why don't you email your question?

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/marriage-builders-radio.htm

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.

Would your wife be willing to make an account and create her own thread on the forum? That would be beneficial for her recovery.

Hi EDH, welcome to Marriage Builders. The no contact rule means you should end all contact with your OW immediately and commit to never seeing or speaking to her ever again. NEVER. Your affair has never ended. In this situation, we would advise your wife to separate from you until you end all contact. The longer you carry on contact with the OW the harder it will be to save your marriage. You are sacrificing your marriage and your children's family for this OW. Don't do it anymore.

These are just empty words apparently. You are doing nothing to save your marriage and protect your children's family. In fact, you are doing great, great harm to your marriage that will take years to repair. WHY? Why say you want to do it and then do the opposite? I think you just want to stay in touch with your mistress. Your wife needs to put a stop to this immediately.

You have never ended contact with her so it is not honest to say you are doing anything to save your marriage and protect your marriage. You are headed to DIVORCE right now.

Will your wife come here so we can help her?

As much as I try to find help/advise in this forum...I tend to feel being judged based on limited story that I can write on this forum at the moment. Yes I was headed for a divorce, yes I did harm to my family...which I admitted in the forum. But to get reply like that ... makes me wonder why I should bother to keep writing or sharing just to be scolded on the internet.
I know the "No Contact" Rule... but as a human being...I also try to find best solution to keep all parties "Less Hurt". I felt there are certain things that require time and something as straight forward as "I don't want to contact you ever again and good luck with the upcoming baby" sounds very inhuman... as much as I want to save my marriage.

Point is... I admit I made mistakes...I am trying to find people in the forum who had similar experiences to share with and how they went through with it. Not someone to remind me what I did and what damages I have caused in my family. There are stories that I have not fully revealed in here... so I prefer you to keep your judgements to yourselves. I am seeking advice... and if judgement is all I get here... I don't need it. I got aplenty from my family already. Peace.

EDH, it appears you are pretty committed to your mistress, and as such, are hearing advice you don't like. It is no surprise that you feel "judged," because you know you are not serious about protecting your wife and saving your marriage. You are serious about maintaining your relationship with your OW and our advice is a threat to that destructive plan.

What you are doing is very destructive and harmful to your wife and your children. If you want our help it has to stop. How about sending your wife here so we can help her protect herself and your kids?

Edh welcome to MB. My Dad left my family for the OW when my brother and I were small. My Mom was crushed and quickly met and remarried someone who beat her and us and much worse for many years. The posters here are not working to make you feel judged, they are posting a plan that will give your family the greatest chance at recovery. I hope you can look past your bruised feelings and take them up on the offer to work with you in a plan that can bring you great happiness and the most safety for your kids.

Every time you contact the OW there is a chance that you would leave your family. Do you agree? Do you think about leaving? More importantly, do you think the plan as presented here can bring you deep lasting happiness with your family?

EDH,

Unless one has experienced the trauma themselves, I'm not sure anyone can completely understand the enormity and severity of the pain caused to the betrayed spouse. If you haven't watched this yet, I highly recommend watching Dr. Harley's short video called "Infidelity: What every couple should know:" https://www.marriagebuilders.com/videos.htm

By deciding to continue contact with the OW, you continue to cause incredible pain to your spouse and your family. Despite your past actions, you sound like you're trying to do the right thing here, and you're struggling with what that might be. The veteran posters here, like MelodyLane, know the Marriage Builders program inside and out. They know exactly what will result if you continue contact with the OW...continued devastation to your spouse and family, and a mess of a situation for you, the OW, the OC, and family on all sides, for decades to come. The vets here have seen situations like these play out hundreds of times, and despite your initial reaction, it would be to your advantage (and your family's!) to listen to them.

I recall Dr. Harley discussing a situation like yours on more than one occasion on his radio show, perhaps you'd like to get his take on your situation? You can contact him at: mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.

The time to end all contact with your mistress is immediately. Every time you contact your OW you hurt your wife all over again and make it impossible to save your marriage. You are putting your wife through seven levels of hell. So no, I don't believe you are serious about saving your marriage when your actions say the opposite. It is "inhuman" to put your wife through this endless nightmare.

Dr. Harley would advise your wife to separate from you because of the immense emotional pain you are causing her if you refuse to end all contact immediately.

If you are serious about saving your marriage, you will commit to no contact for life starting NOW and send a letter like this to your mistress [with your wife's blessing, of course]

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

I am so impressed with you that you wrote Dr. Harley. It is not easy to listen to the difficult truths, but this is the path to greatest happiness for you and your family. Did you get a chance to hear the show yet? Did your wife? Do you have any questions?

It starts at 21:00 minutes in the rebroadcast. here

Dr Harley: No contact means no contact. This is the 2nd affair EDH has had. He could be a serial cheater. They are very hard to stop. This isn't the last affair this guy is going to have. He wouldn't follow the extraordinary precautions. EDH said "it will be hard to end contact with OW"

Also, EDH rented a place for the OW for 2 years and goes over and helps her around her home. The wife caught him by hiring a PI. There are alot of things that need to be done to save this marriage, he needs to be never be apart overnight from his wife. And he needs to end all contact with his mistress.

Dr Harley: You need to end contact NOW. Dr Harley indicates the EDH is addicted to his mistress and that is why he is continuing contact. He wants EDH's wife to contact him. The chances of this marriage being successful is "highly remote."

Well, I hope that he comes back. I suspect he emailed Dr Harley hoping to get different advice than what he got here. [opinion shopping] Trying to reason with someone in the throes of an affair is about as effective as reasoning with a falling down drunk. This is why it almost always requires a betrayed spouse to lead the marriage out of these bad situations.

His wife needs to take the wheel from the drunk driver and start driving. She is headed for a huge crash.