Hi everyone, I've been reading this forum and listening to marriage builders radio for a long time now but haven't posted before.

My husband and I are in a rut in our marriage. In short, we have had a good marriage but lacked spark right from the start. We got married very young and because I was so young and immature when we met I married him because he was the right type of guy, not because I was madly in love with him. I was attracted to him (physically and personality), but there was always something missing which I ignored thinking it's just the way relationships go. The missing part was sexual chemistry so sex and romance in particular has been pretty average. It's not for lack of trying on his part, I just never had intense desires for him and eventually developed a sexual aversion.

We are in our mid 30s now and I think both realizing that life is passing us by while we raise children and live in a fairly mediocre marriage. I found marriage builders a while ago and really thought it was the answer to all our problems. We've talked a lot in the last few months about our likes/dislikes, our turn on's etc and I've been quite hopeful that this program will bring the spark into our relationship.

This week I have finally come to a very scary realization. The type of men I find insanely attractive are cheating types. When I look back to the men I was severely attracted to before my husband, they were all the "bad-boy" cheating types. A lot flirted with me while I was dating other guys and I even cheated a few times. It makes sense to me now why I married my husband and didn't marry a man I was intensely attracted to because I guess some part of me knew they would likely mess me around. It sounds awful and I hate even admitting it, but I think the only way to fix things is to be honest and blunt.

This has made me question whether marriage builders can solve my problem. Maybe my husband just doesn't possess the qualities that turn me on ie. the cheating bad-boy thing. I understand the concept about extra ordinary precautions and boundaries around other men etc and have not had an affair since being married, however this is make or break time for our relationship. For us to stay together, I need to be able to be more attracted to my husband than I was to those other men in my early 20s. The thrill of the bad-boy, the thrill of flirting behind my partner's back, the excitement of doing something "wrong". He also, understandably, does not want to be with me if my most intense attractions were to other people. If he and I are in love, it needs to at least match those attractions and desires or else he always comes off second. In that case it's better for him to find someone else and have it be magical right from the start.

How can I get that same thrill and excitement from a committed relationship? Is it possible to change my tastes so that I find something else sexier than what I did in the past?

I'm really hoping so!

I remember hearing one of Dr Harley's radio shows where he was speaking to a woman who is only really attracted to abusive men and finds other men to be kind of "weak". She split from her abusive husband and Dr Harley told her that she should be single rather than get into another relationship with an abuser if that's the type of man she finds sexy. Is mine a similar case? Does anyone have any experience with this and perhaps a solution for us?

I know the answer will probably be to stop being selfish and I agree, but me not being selfish over the years has never fixed the problem, it's just made it dormant. And kind of makes him feel lame that I have to be "selfless" in order to be with him. Terrible!

I need some practical solutions to find a committed relationship sexier than the casual, naughty, wrong relationship.

I hope that all makes sense and that someone has an answer or some similar experience to share. Thanks!

Hi willingwife, welcome to Marriage Builders. It seems that you are "attracted to" a fantasy and not a real man. You have built up this fantasy man in your head that is not real. People don't fall in love with "types," per se, they fall in love with other people. If you were in love with your husband - a real man - your mind wouldn't be wandering to fantasies. My suggestion would be to throw yourself into this program and create a romantic, passionate marriage.

Can you tell me where you are in the program? For example, how many dates do you go out on per week? What do you do on your dates? Which books do you have?

Yes willing that’s what I was going to say too. Welcome to MB! I encourage you to start listening daily to the radio show it will help you have a whole attitude shift to bring you really into the day to day joy in your marriage. It will remind you to set aside time for those 4 4 hour dates. I know it feels right now like you’re missing a certain intensity with your man but this will bring it right back let us know how it goes!

Can I ask what extra ordinary precautions you are taking?
I ask not to make an assumption and believe you about not having an 'affair'; but is or have there been other possible OM that are making you think about the thrill of an affair?

But that is not how marriage works. When you are married, the competition is closed. You are putting him up against a fantasy, something not real and that is not how marriage works. You can create passion and romance, but you need to FIRST close the competition.

Thank you MelodyLane. We have read His Needs, Her Needs; Love Busters; and Fall In Love, Stay In Love. And I've read quite a lot of the forum posts and have listened to a quite a few of the radio broadcasts.

We are not dating and have never really dated. In the beginning we were saving money and didn't have much so never really dated and since having children they have been a full focus

Are you able to explain what you mean by people not falling in love with types? I do agree with you that people do not fall in love with types but do you not think that people are generally attracted to certain types? Like for example I prefer blond men who are more social and outgoing to say darker haired men who are quiet and pensive. That's not to say I couldn't fall in love with a quiet pensive man, but I doubt I would be wildly attracted to him right off the bat. Now if it were something like hair color, or personality that my husband could change then I think we would not have a problem. He is willing to change anything that he can in order to have the best "base" for me to fall in love with. However if the thing I find wildly attractive is a bad-boy cheating type it's something he can't become, if you know what I mean.

I am not actually fantasizing about anything, except an incredible magical marriage with my husband. I was the one who found marriage builders and and have been driving the discussions and the research to find a solution to our problem so I am ready to throw myself fully into the program, however it feels like a big risk to my husband if we do the program and say we fall in love but it still does not compare to the crazy, wild attraction feelings I had to other men in the past. They were not fantasies, they were real men who existed and who I had interactions and relationships with so that is what he would compare it.

He is the one being cautious about doing the program because he is not convinced it will give us the results we want. He would rather first make any changes necessary beforehand. Now physical changes are fairly easy and some personality changes as well, however we have hit a wall with this realization that the men I have been properly attracted to in my life were all cheating, flirting types. So we are not sure how to move forward now.

Thank you NED, I hope I'll be able to post an incredible success story oneday!

mb_hope what I mean by that are Dr Harley's extraordinary precautions like never spending a night apart, no personal friendships with members of the opposite sex, no contact with ex's, boundaries around other men etc.

There is no other possible OM in the picture except for memories of the past. And it's not really me who has the fear of moving forward it's my husband. He doesn't want to fall in love with me only to still come second. I completely understand that.

An attraction to a certain TYPE is not the same as having a romantic relationship. My point is that you can't fall in love or have a relationship with a "type." But you can fall in love with your husband.


Then stop comparing. The competition is closed when you get married so there should be no more comparisons like this. Rather, you should throw yourself into your marriage, which you are not doing.


The most impactful step you can take is to start spending 15-20 hours per week on undivided attention, meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. This should be accomplished in 4 - 4 hour dates every week. We use this worksheet and plan out our upcoming week every Sunday afternoon. This program does not work without this step and romantic love will never be attained. UA Time Worksheet

Imagine if your husband told you that you have to compete with porn stars to live up to his dreams? Would you be ok with that? We have men who watch porn who really do have this expectation.

A married person should never be placed in that position. The competition is closed. He doesn't have to compete anymore. If the competition is still open, you have bigger problems here.

Thanks Melody, I agree. For me the competition is closed but it's not for him. He saw me with a couple of other men early on when we first met so he knows what I am like when I am extremely attracted to someone, but I've never felt or acted like that towards him. Because he wasn't that "type".

My question would be whether the feelings of passion within marriage would be more intense than those attractions I've had in the past? Maybe I don't fully understand what it feels like to be in love.

It's more that he needs my attraction towards him to trump all other attractions I've had; past, present and future. I totally understand that!

Yes, of course and that's what you should do. I would stop talking about the past completely and stop these destructive comparisons. It is very destructive. I understand that he wants passion in his marriage and that is very attainable, but talk of other men and other "types" is counter productive. He needs to learn to do a super job of meeting your needs and vice versa. But none of that will ever happen if you aren't following the policy of undivided attention.

Ok yes I think I understand.

Does that mean that the past becomes irrelevant so even if the feelings within the marriage are less than those that were felt in the past it doesn't matter because the door has been closed to any alternatives and they get forgotten?

So he could be second in the grand scheme of things because I desired those men in the past more than I will ever desire him, but he is first in the present because the competition has been closed so they no loner matter?

Sorry I'm just trying to make sure I understand completely. Appreciate your responses.

On the porn star comparison, I kind of feel that if his dream fantasy girl had a smoking hot body like a woman he saw in a porn movie (neither of us watch porn by the way) then that is something I would be willing to work on for him. So that I could in fact be his dream girl.

That's how he feels, he wants to be everything I could ever want. And we have solutions for most obstacles except the bad boy thing and I just don't know how much of a problem this is.

Yes, the past is irrelevant. You are married now. Leave the past in the past.


He is not second to anything. He is married to you. The objective is to fall in love with each other. I would stop bringing up your past boyfriends, it is destructive and very disrespectful to your husband.

So do you think that if we did the above then my attraction to him would become more than what I've experienced in the past?

Sorry I hope I'm not annoying with all these questions, I'm really just trying to understand properly.

But you wouldn't be his dream girl, the porn star would. And what if you are a 55 yr old woman who is being compared to an 18 yr old porn star? Do you think that's fair? Of course not. It is profoundly disrespectful and has no place in marriage. When you get married, the competition is closed.


Leave the past in the past. People fall in love because their needs are met, not because one is a bad boy or not.

Right. I want to also refer you to an article that explains HOW people fall in love. They don't fall in love with "types," they fall in love according to how well their needs are met. THE LOVE BANK

It's not me who brings them up, he does. He has chosen to compete with them.

Thank you, this line really makes sense to me.