Hello There,

I am an Indian guy mid 40's who recently (April 16, 2019) discovered my wife's (age 43) affair with one of my best friend who lives a couple of miles away from my home.

We are married for 15 years with two beautiful daughters 13 and 10. My wife used to work for him in his IT consulting and subsequently, they both joined a larger company in Mar 2016. It is likely the closeness started there. Her affair partner lost his job in Oct 2016, however, was very frequent in visiting my home before and after losing the job. During there work at this company my wife expressed intent of starting a business with him. In Mar 2017, they started an adult care business along with him making a significant amount of investment ($150k + putting our rental property ($250k) for the loan).

As he was a family friend, I had no clue of anything. To be honest, I had not seen many divorces around me at all. The postmarital affair was not even on my radar. In Aug of 2017, while planning for my daughter's bday party, I did not feel something correct and asked my wife if something is going between the two. She completely denied. I felt ashamed and guilty of accusing my wife and never talked about it again. Interestingly 2 days after this event, they had a severe fight in front of me relating to business transaction/share which I told seemed fully staged.

Anyways the whole of 2017 and 2018 passed and I had no clue about their affair. On April 15, 2019, I overheard some conversation in the bedroom over the phone which did not seem correct to me. I kept a VAR in her car expecting that nothing is going to come out. Unfortunately, VAR gave a picture otherwise. My wife was leaving early morning for office, meeting him for an hour then was on phone for another hour to her way to the office. While coming back from office, she was on hour over the phone and then again meeting for an hour before coming home by 6 pm.

April 16th on the DDay, I discovered some nasty lies and deceit such as making several business trips in the past 2-3 years, taking work from home but working from his home, leaving early for office and coming late, etc. She was meeting this guy daily for a few hours in the neighborhood before going to office in park or isolated place (including hotel) for the physical activities. She also admitted doing sex in the car. Complete filth.

I had no knowledge about the affair until this struck me. My initially thought this may be just outside marriage sexual activities, etc. My response was that of extreme anger and disclosed the affair and details to close friends. All friends were shocked with the news and choice of the person in terms of looks, his social behavior, etc (he is rich though). My wife likes gifts, attention, and everyone is thinking that she fell for all these. I also informed her parents who was in India and brother who lives in India and the UK. Subsequently kids also came to know about this and living in a fearful environment that we will separate.

Its almost 12 weeks from DDay, my wife is extremely angry about the exposure and let the friends, parents, and kids know about this. She is also very angry that I talk to friends for support. I have also discovered that she continues making several phone call from her office to her affair partner after the DDay. My wife is also putting all the blame on me for her affair. She said that I was doing marital duties at home and fun there. She also says that she did not plan and it just happened. The guy was very persistent.

After lots of emotional gymnastics, I made a decision that I will want to keep the marriage alive and do not let the family break apart. I want to give kids mom and dad under one roof. My in-laws came from India to help in reconciliation. Sometimes I feel a bad decision getting in-laws but they also want this marriage to continue. However, my wife is determined to leave the marriage. Daily living has become very toxic. She gets extremely angry when I try to even touch her. She gets very upset when trying to talk about the timeline of the affair. She has not disclosed anything on her own.

I find it stupid that she has turned the table around and threatening to divorce. I am also noticing that he conviction to leave is getting stronger every day. She also says that she would not have left if I had not disclosed affair and details to friends, parents, brother, and kids.

Any advice on saving this marriage will be helpful. Or should I save a marriage where I was cheated for almost 3 long years?

Also wanted to add that my wayward spouse has so far not shown any guilt, remorse and not even said proper sorry for the entire episode.

Hi Gname, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. You have done many things right and I want to applaud you for investigating and for exposing the affair. Exposure is ruinous because affairs thrive on secrecy. Yes, your wife is furious now, but it is because of the FOG. An affair is an addiction much like a crack addiction and it creates a similar FOG. You have ruined her affair, which is a good thing. What you have done is tantamount to bringing a crowd of people into the crack house to watch the crackheads get high. It makes them furious because it ruins the high. So, don't worry about that for now.

What you can do is do everything in your power to make sure all contact is ended forever with this OM. Your marriage will never survive as long as there is any contact because she cannot withdraw from her addiction. I would plan on moving and certainly discontinue any business arrangements with him. Some ways you can run him off is to expose to his family and friends and to confront him. Make his life miserable and make sure he understands you will fight for your marriage. Will your in-laws contact him and tell him to stay away? Someone needs to tell him there is no future for him with your wife because he will be eternally hated by your children and in laws for his part in wrecking their family.

While you are doing everything to kill this affair [and it is dying from the exposure] you should present yourself as the best husband in the world. Don't fight with her, show her love. Commit yourself to creating a happy, romantic marriage with her where both of your needs are met. She, of course, is blaming you for her affair [which is ridiculous] but you can use that as an opportunity to express your commitment to recovery. Tell her you don't want an unhappy marriage, you will do what it takes to make her happy.


Stop talking about the affair. Start painting a picture of a great marriage. She is still very high on the affair so don't expect her to respond right away.

In the meantime, I would read through the links in the "Start Here" thread at the top of this forum and get the book Surviving an Affair. [you can download it on amazon in kindle here ] That will give you a roadmap back and will help you understand the advice we are giving.

Who on OM’s side did you expose to?

This is not unique if the woman is the adulterer. Even if you recover she might not show as much remorse as you would expect.

This is correct. Read “Surviving an Affair” especially the Jon and Sue story.

Thank you for your prompt response. She is 15% owner of the business. I have told her to stop all interaction. I don't think she interacts with him for business for now but talks to him from her office on a regular basis. I have tracked her conversation until 6 weeks ago. Stopped it subsequently as it became harder.

As he was my very good friend, her mother, and a few other friends of his was close to me. A few of them know now. Her mother was not happy to hear. He divorced his wife in 2018 while an affair with my wife was in progress. I am positive his mother told his other son and daughter. His mother blamed my wife for becoming so close to him - which I agreed. I have distanced myself from all of them now. A few know in his community where he has said that the relationship was consensual. He misinformed them that my relationship with my spouse was not good -and she was contemplating divorce. I was shocked to hear all that. In fact, my Wayward wife was also not happy to hear that. His neighbor was not happy to hear. Not sure who else I should say as we live just a couple of miles apart. I don't want the entire world to know either. Many of his neighbors are just acquaintances to me.

I suspect my in-laws will talk to him. I suspect my wife will let them talk to him. My in-laws are also keeping fluctuating between love for her daughter and the situation.

I am also in another forum where they advised me to practice 180. My life has become better after following this otherwise she was just riding over me. She was bitter and always ready to trigger for a fight. Considering one women person I have been all life, it was so hard for me to accept all these but did not want to see my kids not having a mother and father under one roof. I communicated my decision to continue, however, she was treating that as my weakness by telling I have nothing else in life and will feel the pain knowing she is leaving. She was abusive, and the nastiest person I ever met in my life. All these changed after exposure. As I gaining strength, It hurts more to see her this behavior. All re saying, she is ready to move out. Its matter of time.

Thank you - I bought this today.

His ex-wife and mother. Her mother said that his sister had an idea but not as much. I Whatsapp his friends but he kicked me out immediately from the group.

I would do a comprehensive exposure to his close friends and family. Exposure is the greatest weapon against an affair. Many an OM has been run off by exposure. It is no fun to have an affair when everyone knows what you are doing. It is obvious he is lying to people about your wife and her marital situation. This will be a direct hit on the affair for several reasons. First off, his family and some friends may confront him about his affair. Secondly, it will ruin your wife's future hopes for her relationship with him. If all of the people on his side know she is a married woman, she won't be openly welcomed except by the worst of the worst.

I would visit his facebook page and start collecting names of his contacts. Go read the exposure thread linked in my signature for tips and best practices.

The best thing they can do for their daughter and you is to apply pressure on the affair. This affair will not last. 95% of affairs die within 2 years becuase the traits that made them possible, deceit, thoughtlessness, dishonesty, eventually poison the relationship.

We can't help you if you want to use the 180. It is diametrically opposed to the this program. Dr Harley, a clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, does not endorse the 180. It is one of the most ineffective programs I have ever seen and I have been here for 18 years. Giving your wife the cold shoulder will not save your marriage.

Anyway, if you want to use the 180 we can't help you here. We have had many, many people come here over the years who couldn't save their marriages using the 180 and we helped them save their marriage. But if you are going to use the 180, you can't use MB, because it is diametrically opposed to this program.

Interesting to know you said this. I am not fixed to 180 but it definitely gave me piece for two weeks of no talking to her. Otherwise it was always a fight triggered by her. In the other forum they are absolutely advising to hold ground and threaten divorce with divorce. I am ready to go alternate route hoping my wife will again not try to run over me.

In fact this morning I got up very early and went to her to say I feel bad that you had to defend this all alone which was not defensible. And I also said that in am not sorry for exposing it. She replied back saying and I am sorry “if” I felt hurt. I caught her if and asked if she really intended to add. She did not reply. She just replied that move on. She wants 50% custody of the kids. I said no as I don’t want kids to have trauma of seeing the guy who they called uncle for the past 10 years. My kids know how much I was helping in his divorce process. She is adamant. She is threatening that is my choice where I go and what do with the kids in her time. The whole thing is stick there now.

Our plan involves a) busting up her affair and b) attracting her back. The 180 does none of these things, in fact it pushes a detached wife farther away. Sure, it might feel better to give her the cold shoulder but that only makes the OM look more attractive. He is not giving her the cold shoulder. You really need to pick one program and stick with it, because a little of this and a little of that will get you nowhere.

MelodyLane saved my life 9 years ago. Listen well.

In terms of running OM off, what state are you in? Is it a state that has Alienation of Affection or Criminal Conversation laws? North Carolina has these and allows you to sue someone who is attacking your marriage. If he is wealthy, this would probably run him off.

I will stick to this Melody. I have applied 180 for the past two weeks and it’s not leading anywhere other than divorce. Honestly, the amount of filth my wife has collected in the past 3 years, and her behavior after that is making me wonder if it’s worthy. She is abusive and ready to trigger fight all the time including in front of the kids. She is absolutely opposite person who I knew. She is not stopping to interact with her AP from her office. She is taking access away from her phone and started guarding her like before. All our friends are now annoyed and given up on her. One of her very close girlfriends spoke to her last week and then came to advise me that I should really close this chapter. Living with her has become hell everyday. Any help is welcome. And I am primarily dining it for kids now. Her stories are really filthy such as going away for a week on vacation in guise of business trip to new oleans and cruise. Very painful to think of it. She took away so much of family time. Omg