You have been making comparisons all over this entire thread and told us this in your first post:

You certainly are comparing. The subject of old boyfriends should be dropped completely.

Yes I see your point.. thank you. Sometimes it takes a third eye to show you what you're doing! I can definitely do that.

I don't think he will though until he knows that my desire and attraction to him can be greater. Even if it is not greater currently, that's okay. But if there is a genuine plan that will give that result then he will be willing to drop the topic and follow the plan. At this stage he is not convinced that falling in love will result in a stronger attraction and sexual desire than what I felt to those men in the past. I was not in love with any of them but my sexual desires towards them were very strong purely out of initial attraction.

So the question still remains whether being in love will result in a stronger attraction and sexual desire. A raw attraction, not a warm fuzzy closeness.

And you believe that the answer is yes?

So he needs to FIRST drop this so the attraction and desire in your marriage has a chance to grow. Making false comparisons to fantasies and past boyfriends will hurt, not help. If you will follow this program, and eliminate these comparisons, you will fall in love with each other.

Okay thank you I will talk to him about what you have said.

Just a quick final question, is being in love the same feeling as attraction? I believe I understand that...

Yes! It is an incredible attraction that leads to sexual desire. Please read the link I posted about the lovebank. It gives a very good explanation of how it all works.

Awesome.. I will thank you so much

Willing I encourage you and your DH to start listening to the radio show daily. All the time they talk about couples where the wife does not feel sexual desire for her husband when they initially find the program but when they work the program they build intense desire for one another and want to be intimate every time they have the date night. Your DH needs to get past that Romantic Love threshold. I get it that you knew people who create this intensity naturally but it’s a practice you two can learn.

Enough theory now go print that sheet and let us know how it goes, we’re here for you. And download that app to listen to the show, you are used to settling and need to hear every day encouragement to get going and keep going. Especially your DH sounds very used to just wishing things were different without putting in the footwork.

I just want you to know that I completely understand where you are coming from! My husband and I are kind of in the same boat. My mother had tons of bad relationships and I developed a protective mechanism and just didn't allow myself to have 'feelings' towards men. Lots of men around but no excited things.. just a lets try this and see if it brings something about. My husband wasn't someone I even wanted to do things with (didn't have a physical appeal and his personality didn't compensate, for me at the time) but he hung around and we talked and did things together. He filled some space. I was in an unhappy time. I felt safe with him. I laid my head on his shoulder he jumped on me. lol I was going to pretend like nothing happened but he is a talker and needed to discuss it and said I don't think you want to forget about this and well.....lots of stuff happened some good, most bad and we are married. Shortly after we got married a guy came up to me and stuff 'happened'. I didn't cheat but I found I had desire for him, which was a new feeling for me and it was something that was completely unprovoked and caught me off guard. I didn't know the guy. Just the way he came up and approached me made my body respond. Since then I have had more than a few incidents where I feel drawn to other men and I get kind of sad because I really don't have that for my husband. I have avoided those people and spent much time in prayer and have taken it to my friend to pray with me and eventually to my husband. He has responded in much the same way that I'm sure yours has, but maybe not. He wants to have my desire and he should. I just can't figure out how to give it to him and its sickening to me to say maybe if you were different that might change. I don't know that it will and I don't want him to feel like he has to be a certain way or I won't have physical desires for him. Its one thing to have something and lose it and have to work to get it back, but to not have it and find it...well I certainly don't hear too many good stories. Its a super hard path for both people. My worry is that we can do all the stuff and make all the changes and my body will not respond to him simply because we didn't have an initial attraction.
On to something that may be helpful! lol We were recently talking about being the last two people on the earth. lol Suppose we weren't attracted to each other but we were the last two people on earth... over time I'd say that we would eventually develop romantic feelings for each other because there would be no other option. What I am realizing is that by holding onto my doubt or the sadness from the lack of initial attraction or the its not right and it will never work or the fear that he won't bring about those feelings in me is causing some of the comparison and instead of building us together it is keeping me further away. My husband is more than willing to meet my needs and to do things its just frustrating trying to figure out how to walk through it and find what works. The struggle is real! I hope that this somewhat helpful!

Technically it is a psychological normality to have more intense feelings of anything when arousal is heightened by anxiety or uncertainty. Therefore things or people which are ‚dangerous‘ or new will always be illiciting a higher level of ecxitement in your brain.
Because our reward circuits drive us to especially take interest in things new or dangerous. We would not have survived as a species without this.

Therefore, Dr Harley recommends doing fun and exciting things with your spouse and excercising with your spouse, because the brain will facilitate you falling in love under those conditions, because of heightened general arousal.

Nvertheless, stop thinking about the excitement of the past, because you never got to experience the downside of these people, just imagine them nagging to you about dirty socks next to the hamper, next time you have those thoughts.
Also, as you age, your excitement and attraction levels go down a bit because of having experiences with lots of things and because your hormones will be less erratic than at the end of puberty.

So stop comparing your attraction levels with those of some bums from the past and start doing exciting things with your husband without the kids 4 hours at a time.

I’m sorry for what you and your husband are going through. I’ll be following your story for advice too. Have you been in touch with dr Harley?

Thanks for your reply and for your honesty. You’ve actually voiced a lot of my husband’s thoughts and concerns regarding the excitement with something wrong and also the age factor.

I’ve argued with him that we are not that old but unfortunately if what you say is true I am staring down the barrel of a divorce! He is not willing to make any moves in our marriage unless I can have more intense lust towards him than these past fellows. We will either stay together as semi-friends (which I’m not willing to do as I know we will hate and resent each other when we are older) or we will divorce so he can find someone else who feels that way towards him.

We’re both keen to do the marriage builders program but he needs more of a guarantee that it will give him the result he wants before jumping in.

He does have a guarantee, that nothing will happen if he does nothing.

Wow that’s super sad willing because if you all had started this two weeks ago you’d already be noticing a difference. If truly he won’t try something you ask him for 2 weeks, which is how thoughtful requests work, he is not cut out for this program nor a happy marriage. At least you found this out early in your marriage.

This was my experience too, I called the radio show and got a plan and my xh went on the defensive and refused to try. It saved me years or trying with someone who was not marriage material.

It's his job to cause you to fall in love with him but I bet comments like this don't help at all. If he wants you to be in love, he needs to get to work. No one can do this for him.

I havent been back on these boards in a long time.

I am happy to see Melody still active. Melody saved my life about 9 years ago.

Hi BT! Hope you are doing well!

We’ve been together almost 13 years... definitely not early!!

I’m sorry for your experience. I really don’t want to lose him but I suspect this is where we are headed unfortunately. Unless I can give him a fool proof plan on how I can desire him sexually more than these men from my past. Until he believes it, we are stuck. He wants a plan for my lust towards him to be more than I’ve felt to anyone else, and if I can give him that then he will be willing to fall in love with me. It’s an egg and chicken situation I think!

He doesn’t really care if I’m in love with him as long as I’m lusting after him. If we have the lust component then he’ll want to be in love.

Problem is there was lust with these other people even though I wasn’t in love with any of them.

Because they gave you the focused attention you want from your husband. Would he be willing to call Dr. H? He can convince him to try.

I just reread and see you have kids. Is that a good reason to try for two weeks a new plan?