Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 16 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 15 16
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 323
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 323

Originally Posted by Gname
She wants 50% of the kids time. She talks about the kid's future plan. She says moving out this year will be better as the elder one will go to high school next year.

She says she doesn't want any alimony. She also says that she is not meant to be alone so eventually she will go to her AP. She has seen the bright side of life and would like to be there.

She may not have seen attorney but her AP has gone through the divorce so she sometimes talks broken legal language.


Make it impossible for her to get 50%. Also do anything to kill her plans without warning. Make it very hard for her plans. If you ever get divorced and get full custody it will be interesting to see how devastating for your in-laws it will be because they have not been willing to help. They will not have access to the kids anytime they want. In my case this is freaking out my WW.

Take note of these things she wants or is saying. It gives you some picture of her plans and why she is planning that way. By saying she wants 50% it gives you a picture of what she afraid of whether it is shame of losing custody, not wanting to pay alimony or child support to you, etc.

If you get custody AP and her will have to pay child support assuming they end up together which is a big lose for them even if he is wealthy. Plan to get lots of wins.



BH(me)-48 WW-43
Seperated
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 323
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 323
Originally Posted by Gname
She may not have seen attorney but her AP has gone through the divorce so she sometimes talks broken legal language.

She is planning. Beat her on planning ahead by planning ahead first. Be proactve and not reactive to her plans. In being proactive or anything you do, do not just do things on your own without advice. If you do without advice you will make lots of mistakes that will pay a big price you in court, kids, etc. It has has happened to me and my WW. You will need advice from the lawyer and MB.

Put her in position where she has to be reactive. Not for the sake of it. One person who has been through a bad divorce told me that in general women than men are better than in planning ahead. I do not know if it true but in my case it is what happened. My WW has been doing this but I stepped up and it has shocked and has thrown her off balance big time.


BH(me)-48 WW-43
Seperated
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Weirdsituation, I don't want him to file for divorce. There may never be a divorce at all so he doesn't need to push it. Sure, if she does file, he will need to react, but he shouldn't start that ball rolling when it may never happen. He will still have the advantage if she files first because she is in the fog; he is not.

We are not trying to get him divorced, we are trying to save his marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 323
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 323
Originally Posted by Gname
- I reached out to the OM mother today and she refused to do any further. She said I don't want to come in the middle. She said that she has already advised her son against it.

I commend you for this. You have now stepped up. Now you are in control of your destiny. It is one thing(not stepping up) I was nervous about in your situation. Note that AP and WW have been in control al along. Things have changed.

Originally Posted by Gname
She refused to share her other son's number.
Remind yourself that you have a long history of friendship with this AP and that there is no way you can get anything you want about his friends or family. But I do understand your are in trauma and shock. The things that are obvious to those not in trauma are not obvious to you. When I was in the same trauma I just could not do simple things like or think of simple things. Even now. Sometimes just to get motivation to do a simple task is still an uphill for me. You would know his brother's name, company he works for and call him there, his FB profile - message him, Linkedin profile - you will find the company he works, Your common friends can help you get his number. if you try one way and it does not work find another. Lets just say his brother should have been one of the first people to have heard from you about the affair by now

Originally Posted by Gname
- I also sent WhatsApp to few other friends of the OM. Haven't heard a response from them yet.

Why not send messages through FB also? FB is extremely powerful. Its viral is more effective than WhatsApp at least for now. The reason FB is used so much in marketing. Did you put a family picture on your FB cover profile? Friends will keep coming to your FB profile also and then search her profile and WW profile. It makes people share and the reciepients will do the same. The sight of your family on FB has great impact on people's psychology. People will think like "Oh, let me talk to WW about her acts. Oh, let me talk to AP about his acts. Oh, aunt these are the kids! AP destroyed this family! How could AP/WW do that? Oh, it could happen to me also, I do not want my wife or husband near AP or WW.! I do not want to see or hang out with AP or WW. again." Thousands of thoughts will emerge. You just do not know which ones. You will be stimulating thoughts and actions that will help kill the affair.



BH(me)-48 WW-43
Seperated
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 323
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 323
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Weirdsituation, I don't want him to file for divorce. There may never be a divorce at all so he doesn't need to push it. Sure, if she does file, he will need to react, but he shouldn't start that ball rolling when it may never happen. He will still have the advantage if she files first because she is in the fog; he is not.

We are not trying to get him divorced, we are trying to save his marriage.
Thanks.


BH(me)-48 WW-43
Seperated
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 139
G
Gname Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 139
Quick Update from today: We had reasonable peaceful day y'day.

I woke up this morning and went to her room and lied next to her with an intent to talk and know her mind. She still did not let me touch but mentioned that she did very bad to me by cheating.

She continued to say that its best for both of us is to keep our pride intact and move forward by separating. She also mentioned that the OM called her y'day and told that I reached out to her mom and other friends in the last two days. And she openly admits that she will be in touch with him. She wants me to agree that this is a mutual agreement for divorce. I disagreed and told her that it's her choice to go out then she should project it that way to kids. She repeated that you exposed my private life in details among the friends, hence, she can't stay anymore. She wants to project a strong women image to the kids by going out someone she liked. Someone has told her that I am a weak person (guess OM). I told her that my strength is not by letting the family break apart but by keeping it together. My conversation with her was mostly cordial except in the end when she started saying a weak person, etc.

Her father (my in-law) had advised that next time we both should talk together in front of them. So I took her in their room and updated her with the conversation. I told them I am ready to be together in different rooms until the kids are together. She doesn't want to fake and live. She also mentioned that she is tired of asking me not to speak to more people. She just wants to now move on. Her parent advised her to take more time.

We left the whole discussion there.


Father of 2 beautiful daughters
Ethnicity: Indian
Betrayed Spouse (Father)
DDay - 16 April 2019
Length of the wife's affair - not revealed by wife yet but proof available for a minimum of 2 years and a max of 3.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Gnape, I would let her know that adultery is not a private matter. It is like divorce, it affects many ppl so many should know. (Call it adultery in your discussions) Also, if there is nothing wrong with her adultery then what is wrong with spreading the good news? Ask her, is there something wrong with people knowing about your adultery?

Let her know you will not be cooperating with any divorce action. Tell her you will get a good men’s lawyer and fight her all the way. She is hoping you will roll over for her. Make sure sh knows you will not cooperate with the destruction of your marriage and children’s family.

You need to BE SURE to explain to your children that your W wants to separate so she can be with her adultery partner. Do this alone and do it SOON because she plans on lying to them about this being a “mutual decision.” Your kids need to know that you object. Otherwise your wife will teach them that adultery is an acceptable lifestyle choice. I seriously doubt you want your children to grow up and destroy their families by committing adultery.

Get this done ASAP before she has a chance to spin it.

And you have absolutely no reason to include your in-laws in your discussions. That is unreasonable.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 139
G
Gname Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 139
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Gnape, I would let her know that adultery is not a private matter. It is like divorce, it affects many ppl so many should know. (Call it adultery in your discussions) Also, if there is nothing wrong with her adultery then what is wrong with spreading the good news? Ask her, is there something wrong with people knowing about your adultery?

Thank you Melody!

Two nights ago, kids had a sleepover at a friends place. I did tell her this and positive development was that she was politer than a week ago. I noticed less inclination to trigger for a fight on that day. In fact, I was aggressive when I said this, she was milder and told me that I am not ready to listen to her. She had walked into my room advising that as a friend she would like to advise me to put a positive face in front of the friends otherwise they will move away. She is always trying to be chirpy and laughing as if nothing happened. I retorted back saying I can't put an all good face if things have crumbled from inside. Subsequently, I went and told her sorry for raising my voice. I also asked to come in sleep on my bed. I also hugged her a bit but did not feel like doing it so let her sleep.

After that its mostly quiet until this morning I had an argument with my mother in law. I admit that I said something which was judgemental against my unfaithful wife and she went on a rant. I realized that i can't be too friendly and expect them to be on my side all the time.


Father of 2 beautiful daughters
Ethnicity: Indian
Betrayed Spouse (Father)
DDay - 16 April 2019
Length of the wife's affair - not revealed by wife yet but proof available for a minimum of 2 years and a max of 3.
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 139
G
Gname Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 139
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Let her know you will not be cooperating with any divorce action. Tell her you will get a good men’s lawyer and fight her all the way. She is hoping you will roll over for her. Make sure sh knows you will not cooperate with the destruction of your marriage and children’s family.

I had consultation with the OM ex-wife's lawyer y'day. She heard my case and was aghast with the kind of betrayal I had. She recommended that if this comes to divorce, she recommends making this at-fault - adultery case. I may not gain much but the OM will get dragged to the court. She also mentioned that the kid's custody will become a special evaluation case and will go for it as it is a top priority for me.

Originally Posted by MelodyLane
You need to BE SURE to explain to your children that your W wants to separate so she can be with her adultery partner. Do this alone and do it SOON because she plans on lying to them about this being a “mutual decision.” Your kids need to know that you object. Otherwise, your wife will teach them that adultery is an acceptable lifestyle choice. I seriously doubt you want your children to grow up and destroy their families by committing adultery.

Get this done ASAP before she has a chance to spin it.

I did speak to my kids and have them updated the latest development and her mother's preference.

Originally Posted by MelodyLane
And you have absolutely no reason to include your in-laws in your discussions. That is unreasonable.

I realized my mistake by talking to them today. I had an argument with my Mother-in-law. I need to avoid any further conversations with them.


Father of 2 beautiful daughters
Ethnicity: Indian
Betrayed Spouse (Father)
DDay - 16 April 2019
Length of the wife's affair - not revealed by wife yet but proof available for a minimum of 2 years and a max of 3.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Thanks for the update. Gname, I would be real careful about raising your voice with your wife and getting into skirmishes with your inlaws. Remember, your objective is to be the most pleasant guy around. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't speak the truth, but be respectful and strategic about it. For example, you should use the word adultery when discussing your wife's affair with her. Be firm and straightforward, but always respectful.

Avoid arguments with your inlaws. You need them on your side.

ALSO, I would move back into your bed. That is your bedroom. You have no reason to leave your own bed.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Gname
I had consultation with the OM ex-wife's lawyer y'day. She heard my case and was aghast with the kind of betrayal I had. She recommended that if this comes to divorce, she recommends making this at-fault - adultery case. I may not gain much but the OM will get dragged to the court. She also mentioned that the kid's custody will become a special evaluation case and will go for it as it is a top priority for me.

Bravo!!! Good for you. I would speak to your wife about this too. You want her to take this tale to the OM and scare him. Tell her if this goes to divorce, you will be suing on grounds of adultery and will bring in the OM and force him to testify under oath about his adultery. This will give her many second thoughts about getting a divorce. She is in a fog and is hoping you will just roll over and let her shaft you. Her objective is to replace you with this dirtbag. You will slow her down and cause her to rethink this if you tell her you will be fighting against any divorce action.

Quote
I did speak to my kids and have them updated the latest development and her mother's preference.

Good job!!




"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
The lawyer can also subpoena the OM's emails, phone records, texts, etc in discovery regarding his adultery with your wife! grin Just tell her that so she will repeat it back to the OM.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 139
G
Gname Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 139
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
The lawyer can also subpoena the OM's emails, phone records, texts, etc in discovery regarding his adultery with your wife! grin Just tell her that so she will repeat it back to the OM.

Thank you for all your wonderful advice!

Just to confirm quickly - should I inform my wife about all these? My concern is that her OM is very resourceful and also supported by money. As per his ex-wife's lawyer, this guy has a history for fraud such as signing for others, etc. If he knows all these, he will start planning his defense/offense.


Father of 2 beautiful daughters
Ethnicity: Indian
Betrayed Spouse (Father)
DDay - 16 April 2019
Length of the wife's affair - not revealed by wife yet but proof available for a minimum of 2 years and a max of 3.
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 139
G
Gname Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 139
Another quick update on OM side. I sent a facebook message to his brother, sister-in-law, sister and brother-in-law. I also reached out to six of his friends. His friends were aware of this and are truly disappointed with his act. They said he is very selfish and this act was one of the extreme anyone could do. All these friends have disapproved this person action and planning to talk to him again.

Y'day the OM mother texted me to provide my wife's number. She wanted to speak. I learned from his mother that my wife did not pick up the phone.


Father of 2 beautiful daughters
Ethnicity: Indian
Betrayed Spouse (Father)
DDay - 16 April 2019
Length of the wife's affair - not revealed by wife yet but proof available for a minimum of 2 years and a max of 3.
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 139
G
Gname Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 139
I just received a text message from OM -

This matter involves 3 and ONLY 3 people - you, xxx and me. I have considered restraining order on you for your actions but that may impact your immigration status and my intention is not to hurt you in any way over and above the feeling of hurt you are already carrying.

This was never personal between you and me because the basis of this relationship was not to cause anyone harm. None of us would wantonly hurt anyone. A situation involving 2 consenting adults has happened and we are where we are. 3+ months have passed since this has come out and reality needs to sink in and accepted for everyone to move on in life.

Hope healing starts soon and sanity prevails all around.


Father of 2 beautiful daughters
Ethnicity: Indian
Betrayed Spouse (Father)
DDay - 16 April 2019
Length of the wife's affair - not revealed by wife yet but proof available for a minimum of 2 years and a max of 3.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Gname
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
The lawyer can also subpoena the OM's emails, phone records, texts, etc in discovery regarding his adultery with your wife! grin Just tell her that so she will repeat it back to the OM.

Thank you for all your wonderful advice!

Just to confirm quickly - should I inform my wife about all these? My concern is that her OM is very resourceful and also supported by money. As per his ex-wife's lawyer, this guy has a history for fraud such as signing for others, etc. If he knows all these, he will start planning his defense/offense.

Yes, you should tell her all the things you discussed here so she will repeat it to the OM. Hopefully it will never come to divorce but it will put him on the defense and scare the hell out of your wife. YOUR WIFE will be the one who is dragged through the courts. So the OM might like the fight, but it is your wife who will get the beating! See, the OM thinks you will just roll over and allow him to replace you. You need to let them both know it wont' be so easy.

Lay it on thick and embellish as much as you can!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Gname
I just received a text message from OM -

This matter involves 3 and ONLY 3 people - you, xxx and me. I have considered restraining order on you for your actions but that may impact your immigration status and my intention is not to hurt you in any way over and above the feeling of hurt you are already carrying.

This was never personal between you and me because the basis of this relationship was not to cause anyone harm. None of us would wantonly hurt anyone. A situation involving 2 consenting adults has happened and we are where we are. 3+ months have passed since this has come out and reality needs to sink in and accepted for everyone to move on in life.

Hope healing starts soon and sanity prevails all around.


Sounds like you hit the target! rotflmao Just keep up the exposures [if you are not done yet] and don't let his idle threats bother you. He can't get a restraining order against you for informing other people. Secondly, it is not against the law to tell the truth in America.

Not that he would ever do it, but if he DID file a restraining order or pull something, this would all be exposed in OPEN COURT! That would be a win for you! Waywards always make empty threats but they would be the biggest losers if they ever file a legal action - because their affair would be exposed in an open court of law!! grin


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Gname
Y'day the OM mother texted me to provide my wife's number. She wanted to speak. I learned from his mother that my wife did not pick up the phone.

This is great news!!! You are putting some great pressure on the affair, Gname. Keep up the good work!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Gname
I just received a text message from OM -

This matter involves 3 and ONLY 3 people - you, xxx and me. I have considered restraining order on you for your actions but that may impact your immigration status and my intention is not to hurt you in any way over and above the feeling of hurt you are already carrying.

This was never personal between you and me because the basis of this relationship was not to cause anyone harm. None of us would wantonly hurt anyone. A situation involving 2 consenting adults has happened and we are where we are. 3+ months have passed since this has come out and reality needs to sink in and accepted for everyone to move on in life.

Hope healing starts soon and sanity prevails all around.

Text him back and say this:

"Hi OM, actually your affair with my wife does not only involve 3 people. It involves my children, family, your family and friends. Your affair with my wife has no future because you will be eternally hated by my children and their family. I have no reason to hide your dirty secrets for you. You like secrets but I don't. If you don't want people to know what you have done to my family and yours with your adultery, maybe you shouldn't have done it. Your threats missed the mark. "


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Gname
Another quick update on OM side. I sent a facebook message to his brother, sister-in-law, sister and brother-in-law. I also reached out to six of his friends. His friends were aware of this and are truly disappointed with his act. They said he is very selfish and this act was one of the extreme anyone could do. All these friends have disapproved this person action and planning to talk to him again.

Y'day the OM mother texted me to provide my wife's number. She wanted to speak. I learned from his mother that my wife did not pick up the phone.

Be sure and bring this all up to your wife! Let her know that his friends are disgusted with his behavior. Tell her: "OM's mother texted me and wanted your # because she wants to speak to you. She is not very happy about all this."

If she protests your exposure, say: "I felt his friends should know so they can protect their marriages from him. After all, the OM might come after their wives too!"

Lay it on thick and make her think!! If he would have an affair with her, he would have an affair with their wives too!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Page 5 of 16 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 15 16

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (NewEveryDay), 1,357 guests, and 77 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5