Hi, “I’m Done”….


This is going to be very difficult to explain where my head is without writing a 10,000-line essay explaining what’s been going on, but let me give you the short version before asking for help:

• Been with wife almost 20 years
• 2 x Girls 13/11
• Married 12 years
• Get on great, never argue
• I have dealt with panic attacks & anxiety for 15 years, bad for 5 years
• Had a blow up at my daughter trying to get her to go to bed a year ago
• Now I want the roller coaster to stop

In a nutshell, that’s a very short and brief timeline, I could expand each of them into a 10,000 line document.
My head is so messed up, I actually feel pressure in my skull, I told my wife “I am done”, not sure what I meant by that, but basically saying I can not go on with my life like this any longer. My problem is I have no idea what the problem is. Is it work? Is it stress? Is it my marriage?

I have become very detached with my wife, I am stone walling her, anything she tries to suggest I reject, anything she asks me to do I huff and puff, “lets go on holiday” … “nope”.
Let me try and shed some light,
Our intimate life is gradually declining, I am 42, she is 39. Since our first daughter came along, when I was still a hormonal animal, she used to reject me all the time, pushing me away! “I am too tired”, blah blah.. The sex did start to improve however, its now robotic. No surprises, oh look she’s had a shower, kids are asleep she obviously wants it… This used to be about once a fortnight, now probably once every couple of months.

Sex aside, we have no hobbies together, she hates what I get up to and well she doesn’t have any hobbies. She goes out with the girls about twice a month, then its lazy time at home. Sitting on the couch watching programs we don’t both enjoy. If I try to talk with her, I basically chat to her ears as she just looks at Facebook. She will do lots of things now that pee me off. and the conclusion to this post, is I feel like we have just fallen apart.

I try talking to her, but she gets upset and her defensive response is “you need to see someone, you need help”
I desperately don’t want to hurt her by splitting the marriage, and I desperately don’t want to leave the home because I don’t want my girls to not have a mother/father combination. But how can I go on like this, unhappy!?!

This has been getting me very depressed, I ve been having very dark thoughts wishing I wasn’t in this position and obviously a way out would be to…. Well you know where I am going with that…
I know this is a very short version of my life, and hasn’t explained the nitty gritty, but can anyone help?

I appreciate any feedback, as I am currently waiting to have counselling, they said is there anyone you can talk to, but the moment you try people run a mile, conversation seems to get very awkward when I try to open up.

TIA

hello POH, welcome to Marriage Builders. It sounds like there are 2 main issues going on here, your anxiety and that you have both fallen out of love. Both can be fixed, though. I would start by seeing your seeing your doctor about the anxiety. One thing that helped me tremendously was a drug called buspirone. I was experiencing anxiety attacks because of my work situation and this drug helped immediately and was very effective.

Secondly, your marriage is suffering from neglect. It takes 15 hours per week of undivided attention meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs to maintain romantic love and 20-25 hours per week to create. Dr Harley recommends planning 4 - 4 hour dates - out of the house - per week. The top 4 intimate emotional needs are conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. What typically happens in most marriages is after they have kids, they stop going out and completely neglect the marriage. As a result they fall out of love. It sounds like that is what has happened here. BUT, if you stop these bad marriage habits and start implementing good marriage habits, you can fall back in love.

As it is now your wife is checked out and doesn't want to spend time with you. You will need to motivate her to want to go out with you by finding things she loves to do and selling her on this idea. I would get the book Fall in Love, Stay on Love and follow the program in the book. It has a workbook called Five Steps to Romantic Love that has all the worksheets. You can also download the worksheets free on this website.

In the meantime, you should read through these article to give you an idea of how this program works.

HOW TO CREATE YOUR OWN PLAN TO RESOLVE CONFLICTS AND RESTORE LOVE Willard F. Harley, Jr., PhD

THE QUESTION OF THE AGES: HOW CAN A HUSBAND RECEIVE THE SEX HE NEEDS IN MARRIAGE?

Are you happy with your job? I remember Dr. Harley telling that with deprssion, for a man his job is a big factor and for a woman her relationship.