Of course. The affair thrives on secrecy, getting it out into the open is ruinous. Exposure will hasten its death. However, another problem I see is your complacence. Your wife is still having an affair and it seems not to bother you at all. Your complacence comes across as a lack of caring. If you really care about your marriage, it is important that you start taking action. I would expose the affair, using the tips in my exposure thread and then DEMAND that she cut off all contact with this man. I would then confront him and tell him to stay away.

Have you read the Exposure 101 thread yet?

. Now, because I am 180'ing her she's complaining that I'm not someone she can ask for help or for support since I'm detaching. Well, tough ****, this is what separation looks like.

Tonight was simply maddening, though. Had my car at the auto shop that needed to be picked up and she offers to give me a ride...cool. On the way over, I get the, well, we have a moment without the kids and I'd like to talk about mediation. She then goes down the road of starting mediation now so that by next summer we can dissolve the marriage and the kids don't have to adjust while they're in school. According to her, we need to keep the kids interests and their stability in mind. I exercised some restraint and didn't tell her that she could have kept that in mind before screwing around with the OM.

I basically just let her talk and didn't reply. She kept on trying to persuade me that mediation was the best approach so that we could avoid the expense of attorneys and avoid a bitter, drawn out divorce fight...unless, she says, that is what I want.

I reiterated, again, that I want neither mediation or a divorce. That I'm not going to divorce her right now and would prefer remaining married. So she took me down the road asking why I would want this marriage (this being our crappy marriage where I had anger problems and would isolate and withdraw). I explained I wanted a different marriage and she banged me with, well, why, why do you want to stay married to me. She further went to say that, well, thats right, you wouldn't want to divorce me because I haven't abused you for years as you did to me (she characterizes my anger problems and withdrawing as forms of abuse). I suggest that we both have unresolved resentment and have both done some ****ty things.

Here's the real kicker...As she was talking about wanting to move on with mediation, she said that she wanted a chance to be happy with someone who wants her as a companion. I took a few moments and let her go on before telling her that I want to be and would be that companion. She smirked and sniffed and told me that that's not what I have been showing her recently because while she's been in crisis mode about her job, finding a new job and having panic attacks, I haven't been a kind friend. When I told her that I know her job has been ****ty and she responded that yeah, I knew, but that I wasn't doing anything about it. I finally had it at that moment. I told her that she's the one who wants to be separated, she's the one who keeps pushing and pushing to divorce and that for my well-being I was detaching to protect myself. Of course, her reply now is well, why wait to divorce, why not end it since we're both detaching. **** her. That was bull****, man.

Somewhere in this conversation she asked if I wanted her to find a mediator or if we should find one together. I told her that this is her thing and if she wants to pursue then move and at some point I'll have to become a participant, until then, I'm not initiating a divorce.

For our entire relationship I was the giving her the pep talks, encouraging her, supporting her and she was grateful for that. Now, because I am 180'ing her she's complaining that I'm not someone she can ask for help or for support since I'm detaching. Well, tough ****, this is what separation looks like.

It's funny, though, her implication being that recently I haven't been showing her that I care or would be a companion because I haven't been offering her a shoulder to cry on or coddling her as she's sitting at the dining room table crying while my boys and I are playing a game in the living room or offering her support when she's having a panic attack after spending all evening crying in front of me and boys. I'm not going to emotionally invest myself just so she can turn it on me the next day with another demand that I start divorce proceedings and telling that she wants to move forward with dissolving the marriage

DrDetroit, It is incredibly frustrating when someone comes here and asks for help and completely ignores the advice. You said you "don't see exposure having an upside here." Do you have experience at this? FRom reading your thread, your best thinking has got you in this mess, so I am confused how you feel you are the best judge of what will or won't work.


The 180 doesnt work and we don't advocate it. It is an ineffective plan that only PROVES to the wayward spouse that the betrayed spouse doesn't care. AS YOU CAN SEE. It makes the OM look better because I assure you he is not giving her the cold shoulder. We are not in favor of tactics that make the OM look better and don't help you at all. Women are not attracted to men they have to chase. They like men that chase them.

If you are not going to follow the suggestions here, I don't see the point of posting here.

This is not a blogging forum. It is an action forum. And if you aren't going to take the action steps suggested, I don't see the point of this.

[

All good points. And you're right, I don't know what I am talking about, I am merely feeling.

And you're also right about the effect of the 180, as recorded in my blog post above, she thinks that I don't care about her. But I also confused why that even matters to her? She's the one pushing to divorce me.

It's counter-intuitive to chase the woman who told another man she loves him and told him she couldn't wait to shower with him. Why would I do that? Or am I thinking about the concept of chasing wrongly?

I want to follow suggestions, but emotions are getting in the way and I have to check that.

What are your thoughts on exposing to her immediate family?

Understood.

I appreciate your attention and suggestions so far. I want to follow the advice, but haven't mustered the courage to do so.

You have to make up your mind what you want for you and for your children first. Then you hack out a plan and follow it. Don‘t waver back and forth. What she says and what she wants is irrelevant

[ Is my pride in the way?

Your feelings are in your way. It has been my experience that the ability to put aside one's feelings is critical to success. Your posts are so irrational that I doubt your ability to follow a plan. Instead you are following your FEELINGS. And that is fine. It is your life.

You have to make up your mind what you want for you and for your children first. Then you hack out a plan and follow it. Don‘t waver back and forth. What she says and what she wants is irrelevant

[
It makes me feel sick and delegitimized to chase my wife and pursue her. What's worse, is the dilemma having looked at Divorce Busters and having read their rationale for detaching and 180s.

.

Irrational? Perhaps. I'd appreciate some insight on what a plan might look like. I know you've indicated go full exposure and to chase my wife who continues to remain in contact with the OM. Is that it?

If that is how you feel, then you should end your marriage. The tactics you are using won't save your marriage, they will make it worse. There is no crime in just filing for divorce and moving on. Just know that if you want to save your marriage, these tactics won't work, they only make the OM look better and drag out your suffering. You are perfectly within your rights to end your marriage.

The plan looks like this:

1.) A proper exposure as outlined in MelodyLane's linked thread entitled Exposure 101. This isn't done in anger or in retribution, but rather to gain a bit of needed support for yourself in an incredibly stressful time. It also shines the light of day on the affair and makes it more difficult for the couple to carry out their affair in the needed secrecy.

2.) You decide whether you want to try and save your marriage. If you want to proceed to divorce, go ahead and do it. MarriageBuilders isn't about marriage at all costs.

3.) If you want to try and save your marriage, then read up on Plan A. It's not about chasing your wife; it's more about being a really great husband and partner. No anger or threats. Be kind. Don't cooperate with your wife's plans to separate in house. Eliminate all love busters.