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Hello, I have been married 18 years (since I was 17). I started having an emotional affair with a friend of the family back in 2017. He lives out of state and there has never been any physical contact. Only texts and phone calls. My husband was suspicious then and found a few suspicious things but no proof. We had a huge falling out and worked it out. I did not talk to the man for a year and a half.
Long story short my mom passed and we reconnected and it has gotten out if control again. This time my husband somehow got into my phone while I was asleep and found hundreds of highly charged very explicit messages including photos. He is devastated and angry. I am reeling and can’t believe I let it get to this point. I have been begging him to work it out but he is refusing. Says he can never trust me or look at me the same way again since this has happened twice with the same person. I have cut off contact and want to go to counseling. I feel like since there was no physical contact we can work through this and figure out the issues that have led to the breakdown of our marriage.
I cant get through to him though. We were already in the process of selling our house and he wants to live separately and divorce now.
I want to save our marriage and I want him to love me again. Is it possible? The more I beg and plead the more he talks about the messages and repeats his self over and over. Should I just accept the fact that I have to move on now?
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I have cut off contact and want to go to counseling. I feel like since there was no physical contact we can work through this and figure out the issues that have led to the breakdown of our marriage. Hi Lin, welcome to Marriage Builders. I wanted to address the comment above and then I will give you my perspective. Most cheaters want to go to counseling because it is a distraction from solving the problem. You comment about physical contact makes it sound like you aren't taking this seriously. An emotional affair is just as bad as a physical affair. These 2 comments are likely red flags to your husband. My suggestion would be to offer to use this program to create a completely affair proof marriage. That means you would eliminate the ability to secretly contact your OM and become completely transparent. Maybe switching to a flip phone? I don't know, but the idea is to make it so it would be almost impossible for you to cheat again. The second step would be to create a romantic, passionate marriage following these steps. I will post the summary of the program and a checklist in the next few posts. The bottom line, however, is that he is within his rights to leave the marriage if he chooses. He may decide not to do that if you bring him a plan that will protect him in the future.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.
I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.
The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.
This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.
An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.
After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.
Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67
The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.
These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He lives out of state and there has never been any physical contact. Does your husband believe there has never been any physical contact?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes he knows for sure there has been no physical contact as this man lives out of state and we are never apart besides work. I offered counseling to work on myself as I accept that I have some sort of flaw within me. I don’t know how much longer I can beg and plead for a chance though. Our home is miserable and it’s starting to affect the kids. I offered today to switch to a flip phone and have already offered to give him access to everything. I’m truly beginning to believe that he will never love me or look at me the same way again.
Last edited by Linhp; 10/06/19 09:36 AM.
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The messages he found were bad. Nude pics and lots of sex talk. I realize that I have emasculated him. He says he has never felt so low in his life. I am consumed with guilt. I truly don’t understand how I flipped this switch and never thought of him while I was doing this. It was like I was living two separate lives. The attention was intoxicating and I can’t understand why I needed/wanted that. I would do anything to go back in time and try to get the attention I needed from him. But I cant change what I’ve done.
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Yes he knows for sure there has been no physical contact as this man lives out of state and we are never apart besides work. Yes, but that is easily overcome. The OM could have traveled to your town and you would have plenty of opportunity to see him. Is it true that you had no physical contact? Also, is the OM married? I offered counseling to work on myself as I accept that I have some sort of flaw within me. The flaw is that you have poor boundaries with men and maintain opposite sex friendships. That is how all affairs start. That is not something that requires counseling, though. It requires a change of poor habits. I don’t know how much longer I can beg and plead for a chance though. Our home is miserable and it’s starting to affect the kids. I offered today to switch to a flip phone and have already offered to give him access to everything. I’m truly beginning to believe that he will never love me or look at me the same way again. Would he come here and speak to us? Most of us here have been through this and using these steps, we have created happy, passionate, affair proof marriages. We can show him how to do that. How old are your children?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The messages he found were bad. Nude pics and lots of sex talk. I realize that I have emasculated him. He says he has never felt so low in his life. I am consumed with guilt. I truly don’t understand how I flipped this switch and never thought of him while I was doing this. It was like I was living two separate lives. The attention was intoxicating and I can’t understand why I needed/wanted that. I would do anything to go back in time and try to get the attention I needed from him. But I cant change what I’ve done. If your husband leaves the marriage now, he will always feel badly about your marriage. He will always be bitter about it. Leaving the marriage won't remove that feeling. But STAYING and creating a happy, passionate marriage where you are both happy would remove those feelings by replacing them with good feelings. And he would be with his children 24/7. If he leaves, he will always feel bad about your marriage and he will have his children 50% of the time. We can teach him how to have an amazing, SAFE marriage and be with his kids 100% of the time. If he is happy in the present his mind won't go to the tragedy of the past. He will forget all about this. TRULY. He is within his rights to leave the marriage, but it is truly not in his best interest.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I offered counseling to work on myself as I accept that I have some sort of flaw within me. In other words, you are not flawed. I seriously doubt you even went looking to have an affair, most people don't. Affairs start when people don't understand the risk and allow someone of the opposite sex to meet their needs. Before they know it, they have an incredible attraction to that person that is hard to resist. So it is not a matter of being flawed, but a matter of having poor boundaries.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He just says he doesn’t love me anymore. Ive even begged just to try for a couple of weeks. I’m so tired of begging. I don't know what else to do. I feel like I’m worthy of love and understanding. I made a mistake. He won’t change his mind . How do I move on and forgive myself?
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He just says he doesn’t love me anymore. Ive even begged just to try for a couple of weeks. I’m so tired of begging. I don't know what else to do. I feel like I’m worthy of love and understanding. I made a mistake. He won’t change his mind . How do I move on and forgive myself? Lin, I would stop begging and send him a letter. He can read it and consider it when it he calms down. Tell him you won't beg anymore and can understand why he wants to leave the marriage. Tell him you will respect his decision but want to offer up a plan that will benefit you both and your children. Tell him you will offer him a plan that protects him from this every happening again and that rebuilds the romantic love in your marriage: 1. affair proofs your marriage through complete transparency [attach the checklist I posted] 2. a promise to never have opposite sex friendships again 3. commitment to create a passionate, romantic marriage using the Marriage Builders program Tell him you want more than anything to recover your marriage and make it a happy place for you both. I am not sure what it means to "forgive" yourself so I can't address that. I would not get defensive and downplay the gravity of the affair by calling it a mistake. This is a life shattering experience for him, so that comes across as minimizing the affair. Don't say you are "worthy of love and understanding." Yes, you are, but that does not mean he is obliged to give it. There are no entitlements here. So please be real careful that you don't come across as cavalier to him, ok? Give him a couple of weeks to think on the letter and then start making plans to separate if he doesn't want to stay married. I really wish we could speak to him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He just says he doesn’t love me anymore. That can be changed.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Lin, when did your husband discover the affair had started back up?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I never saw the answer to the question. Is OM married?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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He found out Wednesday 10/2
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No he has been divorced for about a year.
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He found out Wednesday 10/2 So it is still fresh. I would send him the letter I suggested and hopefully he will consider it when he calms down some.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No he has been divorced for about a year. So he was married in 2017.
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Does his wife know about the affair? Is that why they got divorced?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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