My wife and I have been married for over three decades but we are struggling with maintaining any sexual intimacy. We are talking very openly and constructively and my wife believes that she needs to overcome sexual aversion if we are to make progress - although we have other difficulties too.

I want to help and support her in any way I can, but I'm confused by an aspect of the advice given in the 'Overcoming Sexual Aversion' article. In the suggested 5-step self-administered therapy, the partner's role seems to be wholly passive. I completely understand why that needs to be so in the earlier stages, but by the time stage 4 has been reached, I get confused. If my wife is going to start talking to me about our sexual relations then while I see that it is self-evident that I should listen patiently to whatever she wants to say, I'm puzzled that the process doesn't move on to some sharing of thoughts and feelings - not necessarily discussion, but sharing. I'd have thought that to some extent, it is important that we both have an opportunity to reflect on the thoughts of the other if we are to reach a positive outcome.

Of course, I'm not talking about taking over and trying to talk her into bed - but I struggle with the idea of being wholly passive.

We have not enjoyed sexual activity for our mutual pleasure for a very long time, and it's going to be difficult for both of us to change. I'm very apprehensive about the idea of going 'suddenly' from non-erogenous touching to the point of resuming intercourse, wholly on her timetable and initiative, and I very seriously doubt that if I was literally required to lie on my back while my wife uses me to complete her self-help therapy (which seems to require that she is in a controlling mindset), then I won't have an erection, and she won't be getting anything out of me ...

The idea that she might, later, pass back 'control' appals me even more - I don't want control: I want us to share sexual intimacy as an expression of mutual emotional commitment and for our mutual pleasure. Have I misunderstood: or do I just have an aversion to the proposed process?

I'm also looking for any source of advice about how best the partner of someone seeking to overcome sexual aversion might address their own feelings and get themselves 'ready' for the possibility of recovering something long since lost. Sexual aversion disorder damages relationships: and that means both of us. How do I adjust/cope?

Hi Stuart, welcome to Marriage Builders. In reading the article, it seems the objective is give your wife complete control over the process of overcoming her sexual aversion so you CAN HAVE a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. But that can't ever happen until she does overcome it.


Right. That is the point. But you both need to go through all the steps outlined by Dr. Harley before that happens. You can't share sexual intimacy until she overcomes her aversion. I am unclear about your question, though. Are you saying that following the steps to resolve sexual aversion is damaging?


Resolve the sexual aversion?

We both need to go through what steps?

The husband doesn't get a mention (except to be 100% passive). And yes, on my reading of what the article suggests, I think the process (as described) of the woman resuming sexual relations wholly on her own terms and timetable amounts to abuse. What about my feelings, what about my needs? Why would I find any such thing arousing?

Genuinely puzzled!

Your last point nicely illustrates my dilemma: and perhaps I am just misunderstanding. I can't adjust/cope by resolving the aversion: I don't have one.

The objective is not to arouse you, but to overcome her sexual aversion. Isn't that what you want? Not sure how you feel it is abuse for a spouse to want to overcome an aversion so she can meet your needs. That makes no sense.



You don't misunderstand at all. You said "Sexual aversion damages relationship. How do I adjust/cope?" My response is that you should overcome the sexual aversion. I wasn't saying you have a sexual aversion. But I am sure you know that.

Are you this argumentative with your wife? If so, I can see why she developed a sexual aversion.

Do you have a tried and true process to help a spouse overcome sexual aversion? If you have a better idea, why not try it? What is your track record at resolving sexual aversion?

I think posting here was probably a mistake. Let's leave it there.

I think it was a great idea to come here and tell us how you feel. Can you answer my question? Are you this argumentative with your wife?

Look, we are on your side. If you can put down the chip on your shoulder, we can probably help.

I'm sure you're trying to be helpful. I'm not sure you have actually read what I have written. I'm out.

Best of luck..