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And now I'm pissed off at myself and do realize that I am not a good husband and it doesn't appear that I really want to be. I have not kept my promises, I have not committed to the needed changes, it doesn't appear that I have the will or capacity to do what is necessary to change, I'm just a miserable person that was likely doomed to failure at marriage from the start. This may look to you like a pity party, but this is how my brain works and it sucks. You need to override your irrational feelings with your LOGIC. There is no time like the present to change bad habits. it doesn't appear that I have the will or capacity to do what is necessary to change, Is this true? Do you not have the will? You have the capacity but do you have the will? I want to. So far, though, as I think about what my wife is saying and how I am responding to your questions, it sure seems like I have failed to change or even make sufficient progress on changing.
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This may look to you like a pity party, but this is how my brain works and it sucks. Self pity is an excuse to not change. You need to CHANGE that approach. Yeah, I know...I'm trying to simultaneously learn how to change how I think while also employing that learning in the moment. That's challenging for me and when combined with the emotional side of this, well, damn, it can feel hopeless. That's not an excuse not to succeed at it, I'm simply observing how I am struggling with it and this helps me think rationally about it.
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Melody, do you have any additional insight on the email back to my wife re: changing rooms?
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I think you should remove the part that states " I realize you had an affair..."
Dear Wife,
I want you to know that I care deeply about you and want you to be comfortable. I will rearrange the office space and take that room, so you can move back into the bedroom.
I can help you move your things back into the room.
[/quote]
Why remove that part? I'm just being curious...[/quote]
She already knows she had an affair. You know she had an affair. She knows you know she had an affair. It comes across as a little dig. That's why I suggest you just leave it out.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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[
I do get extremely defensive. Self esteem issues, depression, guilt, remorse... When my wife describes just how bad a person I can feel myself physically reacting. I am absolutely devastated that my behaviors have had such negative impacts on my wife and kids. It's physically crushing just thinking about it let alone having my wife describe it over and over.
Even as I tap this out I realize that I am not worthy of her love. I am crying as I tap this out because I realize that I have let my wife and family down and, as she says, didn't hold up my end of the marriage deal and didn't care for my marriage. No one likes getting complaints. But the solution to getting complaints is to stop doing the behavior that led to the complaint. Stop doing the things that make her unhappy and the complaints will greatly lessen. You have to change your thinking about complaints. A complaint is an opportunity for improvement in a good marriage and an irritation in a bad marriage. What is extremely important is that you do change and STAY changed. A person doesn't need to run off to counseling to change bad behavior. They make a decision to change their behavior and make it a habit. A complaint is like getting a NSF notice from your bank. It is no fun to get them, but the alternative is worse. So you have to learn to OVERRIDE YOUR FEELINGS and use your logic when you get a complaint. Mr Logic can soothe Mr Emotional when you get a complaint and tell yourself a "complaint is an opportunity for improvement" so you don't shift into anger and defensiveness. You can teach yourself to control your emotions. I know I can and have been. The complaints I am reacting to now are her complaints about the marriage over the past 16 years as opposed to complaints about current interactions or behaviors. Her current complaints are about me not wanting to do mediation, forcing an ugly divorce, and being in denial about a divorce. I am talking about her complaints about bad behavior, NOT her manipulative complaints about mediation.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melody, do you have any additional insight on the email back to my wife re: changing rooms? No, just send it please.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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This may look to you like a pity party, but this is how my brain works and it sucks. Self pity is an excuse to not change. You need to CHANGE that approach. Yeah, I know...I'm trying to simultaneously learn how to change how I think while also employing that learning in the moment. That's challenging for me and when combined with the emotional side of this, well, damn, it can feel hopeless. That's not an excuse not to succeed at it, I'm simply observing how I am struggling with it and this helps me think rationally about it. You can decide to change this today and stop with these destructive emotional reactions. Your reactions are a choice. When your feelings are misleading you with nutty narratives, you coach yourself out of it. You seem to focus on yourself instead of your wife when she makes a complaint. When she makes a complaint, she is just asking you to change something that makes her unhappy.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Do you drink very much? Use any narcotics? No drinking and no drugs.
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melody, do you have any additional insight on the email back to my wife re: changing rooms? No, just send it please. Email sent. I'm waiting for her to reply that she refuses to move in to the master bedroom...
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Melody, do you have any additional insight on the email back to my wife re: changing rooms? No, just send it please. Email sent. I'm waiting for her to reply that she refuses to move in to the master bedroom... BUT, the objective is to get her off the couch and get into a more comfortable position. You can help her do that. If she doesn't want to move back into your room, you can help her find another solutions.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And as I thought, her reply:
"Thank you firvthe offer but I need a space to workout. The office is where i exercise and it will be my bedroom."
She could exercise in the mornings in the living room on the main floor, though the disadvantage there is that she'd be exercising at the bottom of the stairs just below our oldest boys room.
There's also the living room in the basement, though that area has supplies for the remodel, but we could make room for her to exercise and after the remodel there would be plenty of space to exercise. And if I can get the last pieces of drywall up this weekend, then all of those supplies go away and it's a big empty room.
Edit: just saw your post, Melody...
Two alternatives for working out above.
Last edited by DrDetroit24; 10/31/19 05:21 PM.
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Ok, just work it out and whatever she chooses, I would help make it happen.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok, just work it out and whatever she chooses, I would help make it happen. Yeah, I'm afraid that she will anchor herself on the office despite it being a pain in the butt to move around. But, if it makes her happy or comfortable, that is the goal and the temporary pain in the butt I experience ought to be worth her comfort and happiness. Right? Also, she puts a date of November 27th out there...I can get the basement living area drywalled and finished in which case the desk and PC move out there from the office. In that scenario, then I can move in there and we avoid having to empty that closet out. I think I'll respond this way: I want to get you off of the couch and into a more comfortable living arrangement asap. I think there's room in the main living room and the basement living room for you to work out and would remove the need to empty of closet space and relocate the desk, PC, and the rest of the things down there right away. I'll commit to getting the rest of the drywall up over the next 2 weekends so that all that is left to do is taping and mudding. if that's done, then the living space in the basement becomes uncluttered and a better spot for you to exercise relative to the upstairs living room. Ill sleep in the office and you can move back into the bedroom.
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I would put it another way so you are asking for her input too.
"It would be nice to get you off of the couch and into a more comfortable living arrangement. How do you feel about these suggestions? I think there's room in the main living room and the basement living room for you to work out and would remove the need to empty of closet space and relocate the desk, PC, and the rest of the things down there right away.
I'll commit to getting the rest of the drywall up over the next 2 weekends so that all that is left to do is taping and mudding. if that's done, then the living space in the basement becomes uncluttered and a better spot for you to exercise relative to the upstairs living room. Ill sleep in the office and you can move back into the bedroom.
Let me know what you think, Dr D"
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Sent this -
It would be nice to get you off of the couch and into a more comfortable sleeping and living arrangement. How do you feel about these suggestions? I think there's room in the main living room and the basement living room for you to work out and would remove the need to empty out right away the closet space and relocate the desk, PC, and the rest of the things down there. In this way, we can switch you up to the bedroom and I'll sleep in the office while finishing up the basement.
I'll commit to getting the rest of the drywall up over the next 2 weekends so that all that is left to do is taping and mudding. if that's done, then the living space in the basement becomes uncluttered and a better spot for you to exercise relative to the upstairs living room. Ill sleep in the office and you can move back into the bedroom.
Let me know what you think.
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Perfect! See how you are giving your perspective and asking for hers?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Perfect! See how you are giving your perspective and asking for hers? I do see it...it doesn't come naturally, thats for sure. Saw some more of her writing tonight. She starts it off by noting that in a recent email I told her that I care deeply about her and while this is a probably a true statement for me, it is one that she doesn't believe. She believes that I care deeply about keeping the family together and under one roof no matter if people want to be there or if they are happy. She says that her truth is that she doesn't trust me and that I can continue to behave in ways (?) that reinforce that mistrust. She further writes that while she has forgiven me for how I have treated her, but that doesn't mean that she trusts me. That it has taken her a while to differentiate between forgiveness and trust and that those two things don't go hand in hand.
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That makes a lot of sense, trust is easily lost but regained through consistent action over time. When exposure is done and all is settled may be a good time to check in with her what's better and what lovebusters still need eliminating. When I was getting through all that with my kids I used to check in with them too. If you check in with them in front of her and then put it into action it makes a deposit for her too.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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Perfect! See how you are giving your perspective and asking for hers? I do see it...it doesn't come naturally, thats for sure. I get it. I would make "how would you feel"" a regular part of your vocabulary. That is how my husband and I communicate with each other. We don't announce plans to each other, we consult each other because we are equal partners. It is a huge lovebuster to me when my husband used to announce plans to me. It made me feel DISMISSED because my perspective did not matter to him. Will you please pick up the book Lovebusters and read it this weekend? Alot of what we are telling you is completely foreign and it is imperative you understand and implement these changes. You can buy and download it on amazon for $11. https://www.amazon.com/Love-Busters...oding=UTF8&qid=1572618037&sr=8-1A huge part of attracting her back is making sure you have eliminated lovebusters. She is seeing changes in your behavior, but if you lovebust her, you will negate all of your efforts. You are alot like me in that you were unknowingly making mistakes. Saw some more of her writing tonight. She starts it off by noting that in a recent email I told her that I care deeply about her and while this is a probably a true statement for me, it is one that she doesn't believe. She believes that I care deeply about keeping the family together and under one roof no matter if people want to be there or if they are happy. She says that her truth is that she doesn't trust me and that I can continue to behave in ways (?) that reinforce that mistrust.
She further writes that while she has forgiven me for how I have treated her, but that doesn't mean that she trusts me. That it has taken her a while to differentiate between forgiveness and trust and that those two things don't go hand in hand. Right. She doesn't believe you yet because you haven't really changed and because you haven't demonstrated those changes over a period of time. Those changes have to be REAL.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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