Ouch, indeed...

What do you mean, Dr D? Could you expand on this?

Saw a text from my wife to a couple of her friends about her run this morning:

"it always feels good to get it done but it sure is harder getting it started without my running partner aka man of my dreams who i no longer have any contact with"

Is that "something" in your response me standing by her watching her do something? If so, how could I have responded differently? I could have just walked away. I could have said I'm sorry, I didn't intend to make you feel uncomfortable and explained why I was watching.


Something I was doing was bothering her. Whether or not I agree whether she should fell that way, she did feel that way. I should have just let it lie and, if needed, could have asked her about it later. Instead, I felt hurt and from her comment believed that, again, I was an intolerable person to be around so I was giving her the chance to get away from me by telling her that she didn't need to help me and that I'd finish it. Typical response from me when I feel hurt by something that she does or says.

Later, when she made her comment about us just being 2 people in the same house with no connection and never going to have a connection, I got mad. It's such an insensitive thing to say; however, I have been an insensitive and insufferable boor for nearly all of our marriage. I should take some of that hurt right now. At that moment I should have said that I am sorry she feels no connection to me. And then I draw a blank. Where do I go from there or what could I say alternatively.

[quote[You have to be the sane person in the house that saves your family. You are the one who can make or break it Sir.
Your children are counting on you to keep their family together and that should be more important to you than telling your wife to leave if she feels uncomfortable with you looking at her obviously judging her, because she has no reason to believe otherwise Mr Alwaysright.[/quote]

I see your point.


Ok.


Critical problem on my part reacting based on feelings.


Doing it, well, trying hard to.

Seeing an individual counselor and trying to use a variety of techniques to slow myself down, recognize when I am feeling emotionally stressed, taking breask when needed...

Read that a while back and will revisit tonight.

I meant that my behavior yesterday with my wife was a setback and a significant one, too. As happy pointed out, this incident, like so many others the last few months, keeps reinforcing that I haven't really changed at all...which means that I keep proving to her that she is right to believe that she cannot trust me to change.

My guess, she writes as if you can read her texts. She's trying to hurt you and prove she is in no contact at the same time. Two for the price of one.

Snoop. Don't believe everything you read.

Change is not easy.
It takes some time for the brain zo rewire.
It would help if you would become better at handling you emotions.
When we are full of adrenalin, our brain uses the older („reptile“) parts tharät are dedicated to fight or flight. They are quick to get us into trouble, because most situations nowadays are more complicated than sheer staying alive.

When your adrenalin subsides, you reflect with your humanly intelligent frontal cortex. That is the newer part that thinks before acting. It would be best if your frontal cortex was always part of any decisions or utterances.

That‘s what we learn in Anger management 101, that was linked to you. You could buy a heart beat sensor and start practising. Works wonders at work as well!

So my wife has applied for and been invited to a second round admissions process for a master's degree. The second round activity is to watch a movie and come prepared to discuss in a group setting and to also bring a personal object and to discuss why it's important to you. I just asked her about the personal object and if she had picked something out. She said yes, and I asked what it was...she replied that it was personal and didn't tell me what it was. I looked at her blankly for a moment, said oh, ok, and walked away. The very first thought to pop into my head was, "Wife, you just have to move out and stop doing this to me."

Combined with yesterday's request to stop testing her about anything other than the kids, how do I try to meet ENs?

Im starting to doubt that I am dealing with a wife who is in the affair fog...

She is DEEP in the affair fog. She just saw the OM, speaks about him every day, probably has momentos, drives by his office or home often. She is steeped in the affair fog.

Once again, she is writing this for you. Have you searched for a secret second phone?

Do you know for sure that the OM is out of the country? Do you have a way to verify that? Are you watching her on the GPS?

Don't know for sure if OM is out of the country.

I can ask one of his boys who are in the neighborhood.

Yes, watching her on GPS and am not seeing her drive to or by his office or going anywhere else except work, store, her girlfriend's house.

Haven't found a second phone and Ive checked the house thoroughly as well as her car and bags.

The way they emphasized that he would be out of the country the rest of November, to me it seemed they wanted to be sure they had some quiet days together without a husband catching them. Maybe he's meeting her in her friend's house. Can someone check for OM's car when she's there?

His boys are in your neighborhood? How far away does he live and work?

Good thinking!

Their family lives 2 blocks away. He works about 10 miles away.

Had a great day yesterday with the family. Went on a long waterfall hike as a family and met my second cousin and her boyfriend. Long day and different than many of our other family days. In the past, there were many times when getting ready to leave for a day would involve a lot of stress. For example, one of the boys would start fussing or they'd be fighting and I'd lose my patience and get angry. Or, something just wouldn't go right and I'd get impatience, anxious, or even angry. Yesterday, though, my wife and I planned the day together, packed the pack backs and worked well together, and got out on time. The day was a lot of fun.

I worked really hard to be easy going, patient, thoughtful, and sought my wife's input on several things.