I don’t know where to begin. I have an old thread in surviving an affair. Maybe that will with any back story.

Where I am at now is the divorce is becoming more and more real. I have recently found out she is sleeping with someone else. I am absolutely crushed and heartbroken. Lost and angry with feelings of regret.

I guess I d on not really know what I’m saying other than I just need help/advice getting through this.

Is this the same OM (coworker) you suspected before? Or is this a new OM?

How did you find out? Did you ever get spyware back on her phone? Have you exposed this affair?

No not the same OM this is a new one.

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. She moved out with the kids in Aug. to a different town about 30 minutes away. I get the kids every other weekend. Normal conversation about how was your day or what have you been up to, lead to them talking about this OM that comes over and watches tv with mom at night. So ok I think maybe she is starting to date her and I had that conversation months ago about keeping each other informed, but I get that things could be early on in a relationship could be too early to make judgment about a relationship. So I think she will tell me when she knows it getting serious or progressing that way. I must tell you that I did not and will not pry any information out of the kids...I'm not putting them in the middle and having them "spy" for me, so I don't ask them any questions about OM and their moms relationship. I ask her.

Fastforward to this past weekend and my son is trying to look something up on the iPad we share(as in then kids, mom and I) and being 7 is learning to read and he starts trying to read some search history out loud and I hear him read "it's just..." and he doesn't know the next word so he asked me and that word was sex. another search was "keeping emotions out of it" So I decide to make a surprise visit Monday night to the one of the kids extra curricular activities. Just to surprise the kids no other motive. She comes in at the end of practice to pick up the kids. The 3 of them walk over to greet me I can tell she is visibly anxious or nervous or something. Then I go to walk them out to the car like I always do except she is with OM in his car.

I ask her if she is dating she says no I ask her if she is just sleeping with someone she says no. I'm not believe this. Her and I had sexual encounters in sept. (another story) so I assume this is all new within the past month or 2. I explained how hurtful it was that after 12 years of marriage she could just move on so quick in a matter of 4 months. She still denies anything, and I still don't believe her.

This whole experience as me upset hurt, feeling worthless, jealous, and just a sense of this is what I deserve to have done to me. I was hoping to come here for some coping help and some support, because this is hard soo hard

Is this OM married?

And let me guess, you haven’t exposed this affair either?

Do you want to save the marriage or just proceed with divorce?

No he is not married

Im not sure who I would expose this affair to. She knows I know, I know most people at their employment know because the all hang out after work and go to each other houses all the time. I know her family knows that he has been around because of what the kids have told me.

At this point that is a good question, one I have asked myself many times over the past few weeks. With no clear answer, because all I keep telling myself is I have to keep figuring out how to live alone how to stay relevant in my kids lifes what more can I do to be a part of their lives with such a distance between us. From my employment to their town is a 50 minute drive in two different timezones. Basically have been taking things one day at a time. And one I think might be best suited for another forum.

I know the last time we spoke in Sept. she said she is just too damaged and hurt by me to be able to continue a relationship/marriage.

I'm just wanting to get through it and learn to cope.

So the kids have ask to go to a Christmas tree lighting fruits weekend. All 4 of us. It’s an hour drive to there and then an hour back. Any advice on dos and donts while being stuck in a car for 2 hours with her. I don’t want to say or do something stupid. That could make matters worse

How do you mean worse?
She has taken your children and moved away an hour.

Don‘t you think it would be better for all of you to be in the same place?
Have you filed or has she?
Have you written her a plan A letter?
A man willing to fight for a woman makes her feel wanted, even if she does not like him at that moment.
Did you tell her this is breaking your heart?

As for the ride, prepare some subjects to talk about in advance. Read about thr friends and enemies of good conversation and what to do when conversation is boring.
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/conversation-is-boring.htm

You are the father of her children. I am sure she will miss having you around sometimes.

Worse by saying something or doing something that could end up having both her and I upset/angry. Usually when I talk she looks for the worse in what I say or makes everything I say have a double meaning/hidden agenda.

I tried to convince her to stay in the same town, but she went and got a place to live and moved and enrolled the kids in a new school all within a week.
I don't think anything has been filed. She talked to a lawyer and got the divorce papers ready presented them to me I talked to a lawyer and had some changes/request she agreed to them changed the papers to reflect that and that has been the last of it. This was back in July/August.
Not sure what a plan A letter is, but when I have more time I'll search marriage builders for it.
Seems like the harder I fought the more is pushed her away. So much so that she went and got a new phone on her own phone plan and moved to a different city.
Yes I have told her it breaks my heart. Her only response to that every time I mention it is "Yes, this sucks. I'm sorry. I don't want to be divorced, but I can't do this anymore, I tried for so long but I can't anymore" this is also usually when she really starts to cry and I end up crying.

Thanks for the link I'll read it when I have time this evening.

If nothing has been filed, you can just pack up your children and put them back in their own school and file yourself.

Yes I could but I want my kids to have some stability in their life and not be tossed around back and forth enrolling in one school then enrolling back into another to maybe end up back where they are now.
Also, this isn't a nasty divorce either, its been civil and polite majority of the time

Well, then just roll over and be proud of your cvility, while your children learn that it is perfectly normal to switch partners and have boyfiends while still married.

If your goal is to have an amicable divorce, noone will blame on you. Infidility is a breach of trust, that many feel is a deal- breaker
You have to be practical here though and protect your assets, for the sake of your children.
Therefore, you should file.

If you do not put up a fight, things will stay this way, or they may get worse.

She has explained to me that our children are learning to stand up for themselves and learning to get out of a situation that makes you less than yourself and unhappy. That they will know they don't have to be "trapped" in a relationship that doesn't have trust and make you feel less of yourself. She wants the kids to see her happy and not in a miserable marriage where she doesn't feel like she can be happy.

I would've filed by now myself, but when I do file then I have to start paying child support, the longer I can prolong the divorce the less child support I have to pay. I am currently living with my parents and trying to save money to afford a place of my own. Not making the monthly payment is helping speed the savings along. By math and advice of my lawyer child support along with mortgage and kids extra curricular activities just those 3 things will take over half my monthly income and leave me approx 500 a month for car payment and living expenses of my own. The more I can save for a house the lower I can get the mortgage payment.

My goal is to get a house of my own that I can share with the kids and provide them beds and rooms at my place and not just cots at their grandparents. A place we can call ours.

I was doing good with moving on until I discovered she is with other man and that has me really hurt and looking for anything to cope with it.

Trust? She is in an affair. Sounds like fogbabble to me.

Yes I had the affair first many years ago. See link.
Now she is texting me saying she might meet me and kids at the Christmas lighting tomorrow, because she is thinking she would do some Christmas shopping earlier in the day. Instead of us riding together.

https://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php/topics/3007902/is-there-hope.html#Post3007902

Latest development , she asked if we could go look at Christmas lights next Sunday. Says she is sick and doesn't feel good, needs to help her mom and has to work tomorrow. Also the reason we aren't going Sunday this weekend is because my family is having thanksgiving this Sunday.

I told her no that I will take the kids myself, but at the same time I want to say yes we can wait until next Sunday. Partly because I think she wants to go and partly because that would give me time with the kids on a weekend I don't get to see them.

Not sure what to do...