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And she asks how she can "help" now. Wtf? As if she gives a [censored] about me.

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Get a grip!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Please watch the language on this thread!


MBDenali@gmail.com
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Yep, now I understand where my 10 year old gets his behavior. It's a wonder that my 12 year old escaped this.

I don't even know what I'm doing. I have zero control. It's so easy for everyone else to say get a grip, power through it, just let it go... And it seems I lack the cognitive or emotional ability to straighten myself out.

I'm not angry about finishing the basement. I'm resentful that the only reason I am doing so right now is so that my cheating wife can have her own bedroom while she lives under my roof.

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
You know, I already raised my son and if he ever acted like this, he would get the [censored] whooping of his life. To see a grown man act like this is unbelievable. How do you justify this behavior?


I wish I could justify this. I can't. Only rationalize it in my own little mind.

I want to know what is wrong with me. It seems for everyone else I've talked to this stuff is merely a choice. Just choose not to feel this way, think that way. It's merely a choice as if I'm deciding between chocolate or vanilla.

I must be missing something. Something must be fundamentally wrong with or broken in me.

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And no matter how many times a counselor tells me or my wife tells me or people like you all tell me, why can't or don't I manage my emotions and my stress.

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Just sitting here crying, feeling sorry for myself and I don't know how to help myself, how to stand up and get my act together.

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Such a shame. I know this isn't a blog space. I am sorry for bringing this garbage here. You all have been incredibly patient and encouraging and I should be grateful rather than polluting this thread with my whining and crying about this stuff.

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**EDIT**

moderators note: the purpose of this forum is to help posters with Marriage Builders concepts, it is not a platform to share personal philosophies.

Last edited by Denali; 11/23/19 01:28 PM. Reason: TOS - posting Non MB Material
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**EDIT**

Last edited by Denali; 11/23/19 01:29 PM. Reason: removed response to removed post

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I'm sorry that I've brought my toxicity here.

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I think my wife may be right... I'm not going to be or get better with her in my life. I don't know if I believe it, but it feels that way.

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It is up to you what you want to do.
You have the knowledge.
You have the choice.

It is sad though, that the 2 adults in the house are putting their desires and feelings above the interests of the children.

They do not have a choice.

You may want to google Jordan Peterson's videos on how to change your life.
This has great overlap with Dr. Harley's materials in the sense that the only way to change is to start getting our act together and to start doing things differently.
That may help you motivate yourself to do what you need to do to get your family out of this pit and follow Dr. Harley's plan.

It is up to you.


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Originally Posted by DrDetroit24
I think my wife may be right... I'm not going to be or get better with her in my life. I don't know if I believe it, but it feels that way.


You are a grown man who is in full possession of his faculties. Somewhere along the line you have picked up the idea that you are at the mercy of your feelings. YOU ARE NOT. You won't tolerate that from your 10 year old, why would you tolerate it in yourself? You have the ability to make changes, you just have to make that decision and follow it with actions.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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If the thought of doing drywall and finishing your basement makes you sick, you have other options. I would never want to do that work, but I would be willing to hire a handyman to get it done. Instead of using your energy to pitch a fit, why not focus that energy on finding a way to get the job done? If you don't like doing something, it is NEVER EVER helpful or mature to throw a tantrum. A grown up finds solutions.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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To have a rollercoaster of emotions is an experience many people have if they are betrayed by their spouse.
If your life is a ship, the emotions are the waves.
But you cannot let the waves steer the ship.
You have to have a rudder and a goal to stay on course.
Even if the emotions try to overwhelm you and try to overturn your ship.
If they throw you of couse, you get back to course, because you have a plan.


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You told your kids you were fighting for the family and that was the reason why you were not going to medical and that class. They deserve your follow through even if you think your wife doesn’t today.

The reason for exposure is not only busting up the affair though that is essential too. It is also to get the support you need, who can help you with this project?

Finishing the room will help you when you sell the house. You need to get away from OM.

Dr. H recommends temporary ADs when dealing with infidelity, is that something you would be open too?


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
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I really don't want my wife sleeping on the couch. I don't want her sleeping anywhere else, but she ain't gonna sleep in the same bed as me. So I'm struggling to finish this basement and not because I'm dragging my feet so she has to endure sleeping on the couch, but because I really don't know what I'm doing with this basement. I hate doing new things and screwing up. Every time I screw up it feels like an end of the world failure. That's how it felt before my wife told me she wanted to divorce. It's worse now because I can only imagine how she compared me to the OM who had the money to buy the materials and proper tools and the know-how to do the work. So my failure isn't just a screwup, it is a constant reminder of how bad I am.

She just asked me about what I was thinking for next weekend, ie, how are we going to move her into that office. I replied that I don't know that I am just trying to get through today.

Probably another missed opportunity to have a meaningful conversation wherein I could demonstrate care and love. It was also an opportunity to avoid failing.

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You are still chained to your feelings instead of looking for solutions to get the job done. I would put aside your feelings and start focusing on solutions. What needs to get done and how can you get it done? What tasks do you need help with?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Do you have friends or relatives who are good at this and are willing to help you? Is there a creative way to find a solution and make a success of this project?

A few years ago, Dec 23, I helped finish a friends kitchen. People are remarkably willing to help if you explain your need and ask for help.

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