She says that I lied to her for so many years and that our whole marriage is based on a lie. I feel so much regret now for not telling her.but I did it for all the right reasons so I thought.
Hi Coolhandluke, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would start by apologizing for all your excuse making. As long as you come up with excuses for committing adultery, she is never safe. You did not lie for the "right reasons," you lied to cover up your actions. That is the truth. You weren't doing her any favors by lying to her about her life. This was an important fact about her life that was wrongly withheld from her. So please don't tell her that you did it in her best interest. You didn't. Dropping the excuses and the blame will help your marriage recover. Instead of making excuses I would focus on affair proofing your marriage so this never happens again.
I will post the extraordinary precautions checklist but I would also read through the Basic Concepts and pick up the book Surviving an Affair. It will help you understand why you both had affair and give you a plan to make your marriage the best it can be.
Basic Concepts From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67
The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.
These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.