I am deeply in love with mywifee.Have been for over 10 years.In the beginning of our marriage was great then she slept with 1 time who was my good friend at the time. She told me and I was crushed but I loved her so much that I was willing to forgive her right away.i did not want to hear details of where or when or why. Just put it behind us and let it go.When we were having marital issues and she was staying out late and no call or no show. It became a sexless marriage. I have always been bi curious not in a relationship way but pure sex and was presented an opportune time to try it. It was around the same time she had slept with her ex. I was embarrassed that it even happened. It happened only once. My reason for not telling her at that time was fear of embarrassment if she told anybody. People would always look at me different and I was not as mature as I'm now. The guilt was there but as time went on it made it easier to deal with it. I had every intention of telling her but couldn't find the right time or how to say it. Our relationship blossomed and we inseperable,things were good. Still in the back of my mind was this event,this deception yet I didnt say a word.i didn't want to ruin what we have now. I was committed to her as she was to me.Years pass and we have gone through some difficult times together and prevailed. Recently she found explicit pictures on my phone that were saved in the cloud an ended up on my phone.i dont remember them and certainly wouldn't keep them on my phone for my wife to find. She did and confronted me about it . I told her when it happened and the reasons why I never told her. She says that I lied to her for so many years and that our whole marriage is based on a lie. I feel so much regret now for not telling her.but I did it for all the right reasons so I thought. I dont want to loose her but she is distancing herself from me more and more. I dont know how to fix it. I said which I probably shouldn't have is that I gave her a second chance I deserve one too.i think o might of made it worse. I'm lost,alone feeling helpless and sad. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks

Hi Coolhandluke, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would start by apologizing for all your excuse making. As long as you come up with excuses for committing adultery, she is never safe. You did not lie for the "right reasons," you lied to cover up your actions. That is the truth. You weren't doing her any favors by lying to her about her life. This was an important fact about her life that was wrongly withheld from her. So please don't tell her that you did it in her best interest. You didn't. Dropping the excuses and the blame will help your marriage recover. Instead of making excuses I would focus on affair proofing your marriage so this never happens again.

I will post the extraordinary precautions checklist but I would also read through the Basic Concepts and pick up the book Surviving an Affair. It will help you understand why you both had affair and give you a plan to make your marriage the best it can be. Basic Concepts

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Thank you Melodylane for your reply. As of this post right now I think it's pretty much over.she has been gone for a day and pretty much told me she slept with a mutual friend of ours. Some friend. To me that says that she didnt even want to try. She says she dont know how or why it happened other than it happened.she says because since I didnt tell her and she found out about years later I lied and questions everything about our relationship.i truly understand that and I dont denied thati I lied. But I really thought she wouldn't have done that.im a lyingfool in love with a woman who's lost her love and trust in me.i can't change the past.whats done is done.theres a part of thinking that I had that coming.i dont know what to think anymore.i am feeling every emotion all at once gave her her space and traveled and begged for her forgiveness and sought some support from this place cause I dont have none else to talk or turn to.she was my bestfriend an partner in crime and now it's all gone with 1 lie.So who ever is reading this post and has a one stand,regardless if it was he/she was unfaithful first by all means tell her cause if you dont and it comes out later. Good luck. I hope it works out for you. This is one of the most hardest life lesson learned when it comes to relationships. Well all I can say damn!

It is not normal for a person to go out and have sex with other people on a whim, especially if married. If you snoop a bit, it is likely that you will find other inappropriate relationships. It sounds like she has cheated in the past and will use any excuse to do so and blame it on you.

Of course it is a sorry excuse of you that you did not know how photos of 10 years ago ended up on your phone, come on. Get your act together here. But I suspect that she is not that serious about your relationship.

And by the way, find yourself some new friends!

One could say exactly the same about him. It's not normal for a person to go out and have gay sex with other people on a whim, especially if married:

Don't you think his wife, having found out just recently that her husband had gay sex while married to her, and looked at explicit gay photos, might well feel that her whole marriage has been based on a lie?

With the information we have here, she hasn't behaved any worse than he has. She had sex with an ex, he had sex with a man, and she has just discovered photos, found out what he did and has become distant. And then he tells her that she owes him and should forgive him, since he forgave her.

They have both behaved as if they were not married, and I wouldn't give him the impression that she is worse than he.

So I dont know whether to give up or wait and give it time. She is still with him.we are caregivers and live at the client's house.she hasn't stayed here for a week. She came back last night and brought him with her to our house.she says she wants to be with him but has to be here therefore she wants him with her.i have no where to go.physically unable to work and no income. I am caught between a rock and a hardplace.is she doing this to me to punish me for what I did or is it truly over or both and she has no concern for me at all? do I give in except it or live on the streets cause it's the only place to go? She says she loves me and to stay there cause she doesnt want anything bad to happen to me.she will figure this out.im so confused and sorry to RIP her life apart.she tells me over and over and I say sorry. I truly am.i was wrong. Hypothetical? What if this one night stand happened last year and I didnt tell her and she found photos on my phone. Would the same outcome happen. Instead of 7 years it was less than a year. Still lied .would it be as severe.cause I haven't been totally honest it's exactly what happened.im too ashamed to tell her that.i f I did confess to it happening last year instead of 7 yesrs I think she wont believe me.im such an idiot.i fear I've caused irreparable damage to our relationship. I want to tell her but my shame of being labeled gay by my friends and family keep me from telling her.what have I done
I need some feedback good or bad. Please help

Surely she is not supposed to bring someone else to live in the client's home. Can't you contact whoever is ultimately responsible for employing you, and ask them to tell her this man must leave immediately?

I don't understand the section in red. I thought you had already told her and that is why she has gone cold on you.

Do you mean that you lied, and it didn't happen 7 years ago, it happened last year?