I'll try and make this short and not a soap opera. This forum helped me in a great time of need. My divorce was final about a year and a half ago. I worked a ton of hours running my store and my wife had a 5 year + affair with the husband of family friends. Wife said I wprked too much . We went on vacations together and our kids were best friends. Long story short... I never knew the extent of the affair
.but as I have always known..it was probably much worse than I knew ( 5+). Never knew of it was physical but we decided to try and work it out (6 plus years ago). He would keep showing up..ex. His now ex wifes daughter found a phone in tue shower a year after we decided to work it out. It had my wifes cell and her work number. When I approached her, she said, " Do you think I like it when he calls me at work"? There are many more examples..and he lived down the street. Walked the dog past my house every night.
I try not to think about her...but my kids mentioned that they had to go home and let out the dog one weekend..and my friend saw someone with her. I assume its the affair partner.
My gut always told me it was very serious, even though she said there was no connection and I wouldn't ever change (working).
I am a great father, provider and I think an all around nice guy.
My questions:
1. I was doing fine..until recently when I heard what I already knew.
2. Why now ..am I constantly thinking of the two of them together.
3. Why do I keep blaming myself for all the problems in my marriage?

Thanks....

[quote=desty]I'll try and make this short and not a soap opera. This forum helped me in a great time of need. My divorce was final about a year and a half ago. I worked a ton of hours running my store and my wife had a 5 year + affair with the husband of family friends. Wife said I worked too much . We went on vacations together and our kids were best friends. Long story short... I never knew the extent of the affair
.but as I have always known..it was probably much worse than I knew ( 5+). Never knew of it was physical but we decided to try and work it out (6 plus years ago). He would keep showing up..ex. His now ex wifes ( he got divorced when the affair came out) daughter found a phone in the shower a year after we decided to work it out. It had my wifes cell and her work number. When I approached her, she said, " Do you think I like it when he calls me at work"? There are many more examples..and he lived down the street. Walked the dog past my house every night.
To the present:
I try not to think about her...and honestly I was doing great,but my kids mentioned that they had to go home and let out the dog one weekend..and my friend saw someone with her. I assume its the affair partner.
My gut always told me it was very serious, even though she said there was no connection and I wouldn't ever change (working).
I am a great father, provider and I think an all around nice guy.
My questions:
1. I was doing fine..until recently when I heard what I already knew. Now I am back to thinking...
2. Why now ..am I constantly thinking of the two of them together.
3. Why do I keep blaming myself for all the problems in my marriage?

I clearly know it's over...just want to clear my mind and move on..
Thanks....

Just an update. Many of you helped me a couple years ago. I remember several people including Melody Lane. Melody..you helped me get to and through the divorce. Thought I was all set.

It sounds as if you do not know whom she was with that weekend, and you do not know whether she is with OM more generally.

She had a long-term affair during your marriage - not because you were doing anything wrong. She enjoyed having her needs met by two men.

You need to find a way to let this go, and stop beating yourself up about it.

And please don‘t fall for the „I am a nice guy and women are attracted to alpha males“ ruse. That is as intelligent as saying that guys are attracted to strippers, but end up settling for nice girls.

Thanks..not sure if the Nice guy comment is a dig or not. Just saying that I consider myself a traditional gentleman. I beat myself up because apparently I didn't pay any attention to my wife because I worked too much. I am not an alpha male. ( At this point in my life..not sure if that's a good or bad thing).
When I left the last time...my kids told me that it was about time and ot wasn't my fault. Thats should be enough...yet I continue to feel as a failure in my marriage.

Hi Desty, just know that you could have been the husband of the year and your wife would have still had an affair if she had poor boundaries. The fact that she had an affair proves that. Please stop blaming yourself. Sometimes divorce is the definition of success. You can go onto to have a happy, fulfilled life with another woman. I hope you can focus your thoughts on creating a happy life for yourself and your children.

Thanks Melody Lane. I really don't want her back and I was doing really great. Not sure why I started thinking again. Probably because she's still with the same guy...happy and I just miss my family.

Melody,
I have come a long way and I think this feeling on missing my wife came about during this crisis we are in. That, plus the fact that my friend saw her with someone ( I understand we have been divorced a year, and she can do what she wamts)....I guess the affair and the fact that she moved on along time ago..make me miss her more. Just wondering if this is a normal stage. I do realize that my life would be a series of mind numbness if I ever even had the chance to speak with her. In fact, I would never know if she was telling the truth on anything. I am so tired of looking at my entire marraige as if I was so lucky without even entertaining the fact that I might be worth it as well.
This book is almost to the end..I just want to stop thinking about it and focus all my energy on me.

Desty, you can do better in the future. There are some men here who have gone on, remarried and have happy content lives today. You can have that too. I understand it is a hard thing to get over, but you can do it.