Hi There,
I'm very thankful for finding this site. I've been married for over 25 years and we have five wonderful children. I feel like I was much more able to handle things when I was younger, although I will say that some things have happened to unnerve me so to speak. My husband stuck with me when we were younger despite some issues I had (some depression and attention deficit which on many days left him responsible for house work). I did care for our children very well and managed to get a college degree and contribute to our finances with a good salary after staying home for 10 years with the kids. Sporadically, I would go on medication and for months Id be super mom and even do housework! I noticed some things about my husband then but I was able to cope and things were generally good, although I know it was stressful for him sometimes.
Fast forward quite a few years (We're 50 now), my husband is an alcoholic and has also had a pornography addiction I believe. I feel somewhat positive about the alcohol since he is now seeing an addictions counselor , attending aa daily and doing a 12 step study meeting weekly. He was sober for about a month and relapsed last night, but it wasn't too bad, just disappointing for me. I have a lot of anxiety around this but I'm doing my best. It took about seven years to get to this point and I've been through a lot including a lot of lies and drunk driving. In the last year, he confided that he had been sexually abused as a child, so I'm thinking this may connect to the porn. He has repeatedly told me that it has nothing to do with me and that he barely does it anymore - he agreed to let me put filters on our home wifi and another filter on his phone, but he has also said that he resents that. (i offered to take it off but he said no to that too). I know he has looked up things on twitter like "hot wife" and the filters don't stop it. He told me that this was to help him "get going" and it was for me, so he could satisfy me. I consider myself to be attractive but obviously I don't have the same body I did when I was 25 (neither does he!) Other than that, I do feel that he has quit it mostly but I don't really have a way of knowing because I think he deletes his history. I feel like I'm not really allowed to say how I feel because any stressful conversations make him drink, and anytime I'm upset (which isn't often), he says that I remind him of his weaknesses. I do my best to say thank you often for his positives but I also have a need to let him know how his behavior has impacted me. I just feel like I'm spinning my wheels and I need some perspective. Is this a lost cause? If I hadn't pushed him to talk, to see a counselor etc.,none of that would have happened. I sometimes feel that I do most of the work in the relationship, but I do notice that he has tried to be more affectionate etc. because I say I need that. Is this all in vain? I'm just so tired and tired of the lies. I don't think he lies about anything else but my trust is wavering, so different than many years ago. Thank you for any advice.
Mara
