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Dr. Harley suggested I post this question to the forum, so here goes.

He said to me, "The trick in marriage is to explore the universe of interesting topics for both of you (many are presently unknown to both of you), and find the intersection."
I replied, "How can I find this interesting topic that is unknown to both of us? It is hard for me to believe that after 22 years of marriage, there is some topic she is fascinated with which I have never heard of."

Does this make sense? I have no idea to find a mystery topic "presently unknown to both of us" that we would both love. And after this many years I can't image there is anything even remotely interesting that we haven't talked about, yet we would find fascinating.

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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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There are lots of ways of searching for new interesting topics of conversation. One would be to centre your topic on the recreational activity that you are engaging in. For example, my husband and I live in London where there is an endless supply of art galleries, cathedrals, ruined castles, cinemas, theatres and exhibitions, many of them free. We also go in the car to visit the many ancient and historic cities within a day's trip, such as Oxford and Cambridge. When we go on dates based on our favourite recreational activities, conversation about these things flows naturally. And although we've been together for over 40 years, there is still all of our childhoods and teenaged years before we met each other; a visit to one place brings recollections of when we went on a similar trip as children, and how brilliant/miserable/hot/cold/hungry we felt at the time.

I find that there is no end to the things we can explore about each other, even after all this time.

Although you might not be able to go out yet where you live because of the crisis, there must still be things you can do together at home that would provide topics for conversation. Following the news would provide many topics.

We might find it easier to help you if you tell us more about your marriage. How have you come to sign up for the online course - was there a problem in your marriage? Is there some reason why conversation is difficult for the two of you - e.g. have you been separated, or has one of you been sarcastic or bullying during conversations in the past?


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Another possibility for conversation is to read a book together and look up study questions to discuss. Are you religious? My husband and I often read religious books together and discuss each chapter.

Dr. Harley has suggested an old game called "The Ungame." We don't care much for the game model but we still have the cards from the game and find it's enjoyable to bring out the cards every so often and ask each other questions about ourselves.

As SugarCane suggests, going on city/state adventures is a great way to open up more topics of conversation.



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Hi Brain, Thanks. I read the Q and A at your suggestion. It seems very similar to the conversation chapter in His Needs Her Needs.

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Thanks for the comments everyone.

Sugarcane, my wife will be thrilled to hear that moving to London has been suggested smile We both love to travel, and when we are on a trip, we will explore museums and sites, but when we are at home, my wife mostly only explores stores. We are a bit short of art galleries and ruined castles here in a mostly rural part the Southern United States. There are an abundance of trails and waterfalls to explore, but that is something only I enjoy, either alone or with the kids.

In all seriousness, I think that you have suggested a variety of conversation starters (the ungame, exploring somewhere new, reading a book). This reinforces my belief that there is not some favorite topic of conversation that is unknown to both of us. It is more about keeping things flowing with a mixture of the favorite topics we know from 22 years together, and conversation starters for when things might drag.

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I can't resist pointing out how painfully slow this conversation between you and us has been. While I waited for you to come back I kept checking your profile, which shows when you were last here, and it seems to have taken you a whole week to even come back and check for your replies. That doesn't bode well for your approach to conversation.

You haven't answered my questions about the state of your marriage, and the role that conversation, or its lack, plays in it. I didn't ask those questions for fun. If there is a problem with conversation in your marriage, it didn't spring from nowhere. Couples in love have no problem talking to each other.

Are you by any chance a scientist or an engineer? If so, it might help to look at your wife as if she were a science or engineering project. There are several parts that contribute to the whole person that she is, and it's your job to find out how she is made and how she ticks. This might not sound like a romantic thing to say, but you should treat her like a science project. So far, you have sounded as if you are shrugging your shoulders and saying "well I don't know how to find out what she likes talking about!" - but this is your marriage. If you want it to be happy, you need to pull on your scientist outfit and start observing, noting, and classifying.

And you could start with putting a bit more effort into working with us on this forum.


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My DH and I have been together for a little over 20 years and I don't feel like our conversation gets old or there isn't something new to explore. We have a lot of shared interests that have come from many years of trial and error. I find that trying new hobbies opens up a lot of conversation and interest. Golf, tennis, ballroom dancing, rock climbing/hiking, skiing, etc.--we like to try new things and see what we both like. We both make an effort to keep it light and fun...if it gets old or stale, we move on. There are so many things to learn, so much to do. We have more interests than time, and it's just come from trying everything we can.

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Sugarcane. I have a lot more going on in my life than checking this forum. The forum is very technologically challenging and not user friendly for me. I asked a question because Dr. Harley told me I should and I thanked you for your reply. I do not know you and I do not want to share my life history on the internet so I will keep all public posts general. Dr. Harley knows my life history in graphic detail and he knows how much effort I have exerted and progress I have made. I am working on my marriage every day and completing all the assignments from Dr. Harley and Sandy so I do not appreciate the implications of your “shrugging my shoulders” disrespectful judgement.
Yes, I am a chemist by training, and my wife would be the first to tell you she is NOT a science experiment. She is spontaneous by nature and makes an effort to not be predictable in the way my “chemistry brain” (as she calls me) would predict but rather keep me guessing. Hence, my assertion that there is not likely to be a new favorite topic that we will discover and talk about for years. I have to keep finding new conversation starters to keep things fresh and spontaneous as my wife would like as I have learned by studying her.

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Loving Life, congrats on your 2 decades recreational compatibility. I hope that 20 years from now I can say the same.

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Originally Posted by TheChemist
Sugarcane. I have a lot more going on in my life than checking this forum.

I can't help but think Sugarcane is right after reading this comment. Conversation is a very important aspect of any marriage but is not high on your list of priorities. Things that are not high on my priority list get the least attention and are the least likely to get resolved.

My suggestion would be to keep an open mind and read her comments. She has some great suggestions.

Quote
"I have to keep finding new conversation starters to keep things fresh and spontaneous as my wife would like as I have learned by studying her."

What does your wife say about this approach? Does she agree that you have to search for NEW topics in order to have good conversation? My husband is an introvert but we can talk forever about the same 2-3 topics. We don't have to find new topics of interest every time because there is usually something new to discuss every day about our favorite topics.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by TheChemist
Sugarcane. I have a lot more going on in my life than checking this forum. The forum is very technologically challenging and not user friendly for me. I asked a question because Dr. Harley told me I should and I thanked you for your reply. I do not know you and I do not want to share my life history on the internet so I will keep all public posts general. Dr. Harley knows my life history in graphic detail and he knows how much effort I have exerted and progress I have made. I am working on my marriage every day and completing all the assignments from Dr. Harley and Sandy so I do not appreciate the implications of your “shrugging my shoulders” disrespectful judgement.
I apologise for my post. I would withdraw it if I could but it is too late to edit.

I urge you to keep posting. The posters on the 101 forum are excellent. They have coached many people through the MB programme.


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Sugarcane. Thank you for understanding my position. Have a good day.

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I don't understand it, but I do accept it. You have a good day, too.


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Originally Posted by TheChemist
Dr. Harley suggested I post this question to the forum, so here goes.

He said to me, "The trick in marriage is to explore the universe of interesting topics for both of you (many are presently unknown to both of you), and find the intersection."
I replied, "How can I find this interesting topic that is unknown to both of us? It is hard for me to believe that after 22 years of marriage, there is some topic she is fascinated with which I have never heard of."

Does this make sense? I have no idea to find a mystery topic "presently unknown to both of us" that we would both love. And after this many years I can't image there is anything even remotely interesting that we haven't talked about, yet we would find fascinating.


What things do you talk about with other people, Chemist? What things does she talk about with other people?

What do the two of you think about current events? Current movies and television programs?

Besides your careers, what do the two of you do that you find fulfilling? What do you do that you both find fulfilling - that's surely something you can talk about.

The key word in Dr. Harley's comment is: explore. There's a venn diagram of a space of topics that have not been explored yet. Try talking about something your wife finds interesting that you don't yet appreciate and see if it's something you can find an interesting angle on.

Most importantly, let your wife talk about herself. She herself is a topic and she is not the same person she was 22 years ago. Let her tell you about the person she is today.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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22 years is not long enough to have talked about every potential topic of conversation.
You may know your wife well after 22 years of marriage, but you do not know her completely. Exploring who your wife is is an never-ending pool of potential conversations.

What does your wife think about Dr. Harley's comment to explore the universe of interesting topics?


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Quote
I have a lot more going on in my life than checking this forum.
I suggest you bump it up in priority.

Make it something you fret about.

Dr. Harley did suggest you post here, after all. It sounds like he thinks you have improvements that need to be made in conversation. You need to be a little more obsessed with this topic until you have made improvements.


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Originally Posted by markos
What things do you talk about with other people, Chemist? What things does she talk about with other people?
.

Markos: You and I sound like we are on the exact same page. Conversation at this point in a mature relationship will be about something we know and talk about already. There is no need for me to search for some "unknown to both of us" topic.

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Okay, so what topics do you both enjoy talking about together, TheChemist?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by Prisca
I have a lot more going on in my life than checking this forum.
I suggest you bump it up in priority.

While a few people were fussing about me not spending enough time on the internet, I have been prioritizing my time, spending time talking to my wife rather than strangers. Conversation with my wife is going very smoothly. Dr. Harley has moved us on to the next lesson. His suggestion that I post here was much more philosphical (the universe of topics unknown to both husband and wife) than a request that the members of the forum straighten me out.

Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Conversation is a very important aspect of any marriage but is not high on your list of priorities.

For the record, conversation is a high priority to me, it was in my top 5 needs and that is why Dr. Harley suggested we do that lesson first. If it wasn't a priority, why would I have posted a question about it? While we were doing the worksheets, my wife said she doesn't have a particular need for conversation and she could not think of any "favorite topics" of conversation, and that after talking all day at work she preferred to keep conversation at a minimum when we were at home. But I was persistent and we have it figured out so that I am getting the pleasant conversation I need in a way that is pleasant to her as well.

I thank you all for your comments. I am confident you are all well meaning people who want to help save marriages. Some of the comments came accross as very kind and thoughtful, while some of the above "help" would send sensitive souls like myself running away rather than encourage them to come here for support, encouragement and ideas. For next week or two I will retreat to the private section of the forum, where threads are much less confrontational.

I apologize for taking offense. I tried to have thick skin, but it didn't work too well on this thread.

If there is a moderator reading this, feel free to close this thread.

Peace.

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