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#3013201 06/12/20 12:02 PM
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I never thought I'd be back on this group typing this message. Years ago I came here for help in my marriage during a rough patch at year 2. We went to counseling, we overcame.... we went on to have two beautiful children. We've now been married 22 years.

On the night of May 31st, she came home from a trip with the kids to see her mother to tell me that she was walking away. She's done. That we are going to fix up the house, sell it, and she's going to move back home. I am utterly broken. Shattered. I'm in constant grief. 4 years ago I had leukemia and had body shaking fever spikes and she would lay her body on mine to keep me warm -- we had NEVER been closer in our marriage. 4 short years later she's telling me she's walking out. The pain I'm feeling is indescribable. I'm lost in a darkness of sadness I can't even describe here in this message.

Her reasons are there she's tired. The family hasn't been a team to help her, and so she's drowning between work and home and getting groceries, and holding everything together without help. She wants to run away so that's what she is going to do. Of course me and the kids (now 15 and 17) sprang into action and immediately began cleaning, helping, doing, everything -- even though those acts have been making her angry. She's angry it took this. She's angry we didn't care enough before. She's ANGRY.

She HAS agreed to counseling -- but she reiterates that she's only doing it for the kids and me and that she doesn't really want to go. Our first session is on the 24th. Because of COVID we are having to wait to see someone in person -- which is something I thought was important rather than virtual.

I need to lay out something here that is hard for me to even say, but I want to be honest - The other probable factor in this is that two years ago we both decided that our marriage was invincible and that we would try swinging. That's another thing I never thought I'd type. Yes...we tried it several times but nothing ever felt right and we stopped. Neither of us were angry (I guess outwardly) but we did it. I thought it might be good to bring that up here (and in counseling) so you have a clear picture. I now can't help but think it damaged us badly even though we both agreed at the time that it wasn't a big deal and that while we weren't having a great time it wasn't hurtful. I think that was wrong. I think it was a massive mistake.

My wife is one who is a beacon of light to everyone. She smiles, she's cheerful, she lifts everyone up -- so it's VERY hard to recognize when she's hurting or angry or has taken on too much.

Anyway... currently she's all over the place. She flashes ANGER. She flashes complete determination to follow through with her plan. She flashes emotionless. But then she flashes kindness, she responds to me when I say "Love you" when getting off the phone with the same, and yes.... we've been intimate twice since she walked in and dropped the bomb.

I don't know what else to say. I'm utterly devastated. I'm lost. I'm angry at myself. I'm regretful of decisions we made. I'm in constant grief that is tearing me to pieces. Today I thought of this message board, remembered, and wondered if it was still here.

What should I do? What can I do? I'm in desperation -- and this time the pain is 500 times what it was when we only had 2 years of marriage. She is the love of my life. There will never be someone else like her for me.

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he other probable factor in this is that two years ago we both decided that our marriage was invincible and that we would try swinging. That's another thing I never thought I'd type. Yes...we tried it several times but nothing ever felt right and we stopped.
That would make any wife feel unvalued and unloved.
Major damage has been done here.

Do you still see the couple you slept with?

Have you read the Basic Concepts?

Don't wait until the 24th to go into counseling. Contact Dr. Harley today. What matters in counseling is not whether or not it's face to face or virtual, but rather the quality of the help you receive. Markos and I spent many hours in front of several counselors face to face, but we got nowhere until we called Dr. Harley.


Markos' Wife
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What to do with an Angry Husband

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Thank you for the response Prisca. We haven't seen any of those couples again. We didn't really even have relationships with them in terms of friendships or casual communication.

As for contacting Dr. Harley -- what does that entail? What does that cost? We stopped the activities months ago. I think the last one was in the fall and then we just sorta fell out of it and stopped. Life got busy.

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Also, how do I get in touch with him?

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You need to do some snooping. You need to find out if SHE is in contact with any of those couples, without your knowledge. You also need to look for another affair, either physical or emotional.

You can talk to Dr. Harley for free on his radio show. Email him at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. You can either email or call in -- I recommend calling. Make sure to include your phone number so they can call you. You're not required to use your real name -- the times I've contacted him through his show, I've made up names.


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she's going to move back home.
To live with who?


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Her reasons are there she's tired. The family hasn't been a team to help her, and so she's drowning between work and home and getting groceries, and holding everything together without help.
So she's going to leave and that will fix it ... how?

A typical wife is not going to leave just because she feels like she does all the house work and shopping. Who is she running to?


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Originally Posted by Prisca
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she's going to move back home.
To live with who?

Her plan is to move close to her mother into her own place. I am absolutely confident that she's not involved with anyone. She's not protective of her phone. She's not acting in any other way different than she was. I also talked with her mother at her suggestion because she knows I don't have anyone else. Her mom told me candidly that she asked her that point blank and she said absolutely NOT.

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Her plan is to move close to her mother into her own place.
I would be checking up on friends she may have in the area.

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I am absolutely confident that she's not involved with anyone.
How? What have you done to verify?

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She's not acting in any other way different than she was.
She's leaving. That's acting different.

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Her mom told me candidly that she asked her that point blank and she said absolutely NOT.
People who have affairs lie. This is not evidence of no affair.



Markos' Wife
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It's very rare that a person will answer honestly about being in affair. Most lie about it. The best thing to do is to quietly snoop and don't ask. It's possible she's not in an affair, that she is simply fed up with the marriage. But the first thing to rule out is an affair.


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Her mom asked her if she was having an affair. Even her mom is suspicious.

This needs checking up on. If you snoop and rule out an affair, then great! You will know that the battle you're facing is going to be easier than it could have been.
But, you do need to rule out an affair. The steps you will take will be different if there is another man in the picture.


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Originally Posted by Prisca
Her mom asked her if she was having an affair. Even her mom is suspicious.


Exactly!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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We had a man in our church go through nearly this exactly same scenario about 3 years ago. Wife moved home to parents' state. Swore there was no affair. Parents said there was no affair. Divorce was finalized. Affair was revealed; it had been there all the time.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Oh my God. On a hunch I called and asked her about a guy she dated in middle school. I knew she had talked to him about my son's snakes since he raises them. She got silent on the phone (she's at work). It all came out: She's been talking to him for 6 months on messenger. I begged her to cease communications while we attend counseling but she said she doesn't want to.

I AM BROKEN. I don't know what to do.

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She confessed to an affair?



Markos' Wife
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Nomad, I am so sorry, but I am glad you were able to uncover this so fast.

Here's the thing: since she was willing to admit to talking to him I am almost certain that there is more to their relationship than just that.

DON'T confront her or ask her about it again - you need to start investigating to uncover the full truth for yourself.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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DON'T confront her or ask her about it again - you need to start investigating to uncover the full truth for yourself.
You need to see those chats.

DO NOT ask her for them.


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Originally Posted by NomadRT
Oh my God. On a hunch I called and asked her about a guy she dated in middle school. I knew she had talked to him about my son's snakes since he raises them. She got silent on the phone (she's at work). It all came out: She's been talking to him for 6 months on messenger. I begged her to cease communications while we attend counseling but she said she doesn't want to.

I AM BROKEN. I don't know what to do.


It is very probable that she is having an affair with this guy. Does he live close to the place she is going?

I would downplay your reaction to this news and start doing some snooping. Like the others said, women don't just up and move out unless there is someone waiting. You need to be like James Bond and find the evidence. Be discrete!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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He lives in the northeast. She hasn't traveled anywhere. She says they have been chatting. HOWEVER -- she decided she was going to a high school sorta-friend's funeral the week after next. He is going to be there. That's how I figured it out.

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You need to get evidence. What does she use to chat with him?


Markos' Wife
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