This morning she’s still angry but I’m probably the only one that can tell.

However — she said she did everything perfect yesterday being nice but it wasn’t enough — but then she said “I kind of understand though, because that’s what you guys have been doing and it hasn’t been enough”.

She then said we’d go on our beach trip next weekend and then go to counseling the next week and see where it takes us, She also said she would go to the funeral and come straight back instead of socializing afterwards with her old friends (and the guy she’s been talking to).

Start by gathering evidence and NOT talking to her about it.


No. Clam up and gather evidence.

We've been here before ... we know what we're talking about ... ignore the advice at your peril, my friend...

Then you are not done snooping. You need evidence that would convince a jury that your wife has had an affair.


YES.

You told her you were looking at her old phone? Why??

WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO HER ABOUT THIS?
Your wife is an addict right now and you need to be treating her like an addict. She's going to say and do things to protect her addiction. Any hint she receives from you that you are on to her, she will just take her addiction and hide it better. STOP talking to her about this! As far as she knows, the only thing you're interested in is which flavor of cookie you should eat next ... Let her think you're clueless and don't know what she's up to.

We've got a plan here. Would you like to follow it?


There is something you can do about her chatting with him. We have a step by step plan to get through this. Many of us have been through this ourselves. Would you like to follow the plan that works?

Your wife is following the wayward wife script to the letter, btw. They've all said what she is saying. They've all reacted the way she is reacting.

The problem is not with what she says she thinks or what she says she feels.

The problem is this other man in her life, fogging up her brain like a drug.

You can rescue your wife here from her addiction. You can rescue your marriage. Do you want to? Do you want to follow a plan to do that? A plan that works?

You are not going to be able to talk your wife about this, but by talking to her you will tip her off to what you are doing and make it harder to do anything that will really help the situation.

Nomad, this just...

I can't even ...

WHY would you offer to do such a hurtful thing?

Marriage Builders is not "roll over like a doormat because women really like that." They do not. This is a sure way to lose your marriage.

Sooner or later you've got to face facts: like most of us here, your own best thinking ruined your marriage ... stop jumping into impulsive ideas and start following a plan that works, sir!

Her lovebank is closed to you until you bust up the affair. You can't bust up the affair until you get the evidence.

The advice is the same: SNOOP AND GET THE EVIDENCE.

You can't expose if you don't have the evidence. DON'T THREATEN TO EXPOSE. She should never know you plan to do this.

And of course you shouldn't lie to your children about having an affair? WHAT?

Settle down and stick to your plan.

How do I snoop effectively? What do I use? She never is without her phone and I don’t know her passwords.

Also, she is already planning to leave when we fix the house up and sell it. Is it too late to bust up this affair? Should I contact the man’s wife on messenger?

I’m ready for the plan... I just don’t know how to snoop.

Can you break into her facebook account and read her messages from a laptop? Can you figure out her passwords?

It is not too late or we wouldn't be wasting our time. But you need to get evidence of the affair even if you have to hire a PI for a couple of days.

Don't contact the man's wife or anyone until you have evidence. THEN you can expose to them all in the manner outlined in Exposure 101.

You can also put a voice activated recorder in her car or any place else you think she might be talking to him. You should also get a GPS on her car so you can track her movements.

Her passwords are awful. Like big and secure.

She did leave her old phone still in the same place though.

Location history, can you access the chat history? Sometimes it is backed up in 'the cloud'. Erasing apps is one thing, but Google and Apple have a good idea of the whereabouts of their customers.

Plug the phone into a computer and copy what you can. Search later.

If it's an Android phone, go to Android => data.
Different apps store useful intel in that folder.

Download the folder with audio, video and images.

Were you able to get into her Facebook account?
Have you put a VAR in her car?

Does her old phone have access to her Facebook account?

I need to get a VAR. any suggestions?

I looked on her old phone again but she didn’t have any messages from him. She had one from her sister and one from her female friend.

Got a third crack at her old phone.

-- WhatsApp hasn't been logged into. It tried taking me through the setup steps
-- Snapchat was the same. setup mode
-- Instagram only had 1 message from him and it was a meme he sent to her
-- Messenger is odd -- it's only showing me Thursday from him and no other history. And the day I exposed her (and she admitted talking to him) was Friday.

All of those are more or less dead ends for evidence. For the record she is still getting new messages on messenger from her mother and sister so I know it's working still.

I am going to deploy a VAR in her vehicle and leave it there for a few days. I'm also going to reach out to a PI where the funeral is. Anyone have any idea how much that usually is? I'm assuming these guys will be so good that IF she actually is behaving herself she will never find out.

Can you try to sign into her facebook account from another location? Have you looked around to see if she has her passwords recorded somewhere? Do you have access to her email account? If you do, you could do a password request and get in there long enough to copy and send her texts with the OM.


Right, a PI is not going to announce himself. But a good PI can usually get everything you need in a short time.

Been checking her old phone pretty regularly. She had an exchange with her mother where she said she's just ready for it to be done and come home, but that she promised me counseling so she's going to go.

She had an exchange with her friend (not THE guy) where he was showing her his new girlfriend he's getting engaged to, and he said he was excited to see everyone at the funeral despite the circumstances and meet the hubby. She responded 'hubby is up in the air' to which he was "??!!!". They then messenger audio called for 15 mins presumably so she could tell him what was up. A few days later she said she had booked her room for the funeral and that everyone would go hang out afterwards. Then a few days past that she messaged him and said "I have cancelled my room. It looks bad and Scott is making me go to counseling :rolleyes:. Remember that this whole exchange is with her longtime friend who is NOT a romantic interest -- and yes I checked back to their entire history. It's the other guy that she has connected with emotionally.

Anyway... she told me she was going to compartmentalize her anger so that we can be friendly and I won't break down constantly. So last night was nice. We had a couple drinks and had sex. Then the whole family went to church this morning. She's wanted us all to go to church for ages but we never have very often. We all went today. I may take classes to become a catholic with my son and that way we could join her for communion (assuming the marriage lasts long enough for that).

Our beach trip is next weekend. First counseling session the week after. My son (15) in the car on the way back from church said "thank you mom for giving us a chance. I mean the whole family.".