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I'm new here, and have never done anything like this before, I can't believe that I'm sharing this in a public forum but a friend suggested this site for me.
My life has turned upside down exactly a year ago, I never thought I'd be in this situation loosing everything I cherished, the love of my husband, my job and my family's respect. It's a very long and complicated story of a happy marriage destroyed by one crazy night. I never thought that we would be separate from each other during our 18th anniversary which was 3 months ago. we've celebrated all our anniversaries with romantic getaways and had planned for a bigger celebration for the 18th but God had other plans for us. A year a go I got myself intoxicated whilst in a work trip and ended up allowing a work college to my hotel room. I swear i don't recall consenting to any sexual behavior or even remembering it until I woke up few hours later with him naked on my bed. I was disgusted at myself and still hate me for that till today. The second biggest mistake I made is that I confessed to a closed circle of friends and family but not to my hubby. he eventually found out 3 months later and that's when the life I once had literally ended. Hubby was devastated and went into a cycle of exasperation and chagrin.He isolated himself from everyone including his daughters, his family and friends, he went from being the most loving social being to a cold wall, I tried all I could to talk to him to help him to show him how sorry I was but he wanted nothing from me He ended up leaving and shutting down all his family and friends including his kids and mom. no calls or texts for almost 6 months, he was still paying the bills and that's how we knew he was still alive, 2020 has been a disastrous year for all of us. I had multiple panic attacks and developed many heath issues that I never had, but the worst part was being in a limbo of not knowing what to do.
fast forward to now. My husband is finally back home but he doesn't want anything from me. he said he is back for his kids only. I see him sad and broken but he doesn't want me to help. he doesn't trust me not because of what was done, but he said because I can never feel his pain. I know I can help him I've known him for almost all our lives and as couple for 20 years, how can I convince him to just give me a shot? one shot that's all I want I'm confident I can restore his love and trust. What he doesn't realize is that I'm too broken and in sever pain. The gilt of hurting him, my kids and the whole family is overwhelming, No one other him can help me cope, he is the only person on this planet that can hold my hand walk me to the other side of all this. I'm missing him terribly but he doesn't see it and I'm not in a position to tell him anything at least not right now.

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Hello sad, welcome to Marriage Builders. Are you married? How old are your kids?

One reason that your husband thinks it is important that you feel the pain he is feeling is so he would have assurance you wouldn’t do to this to him again. This is the absolute worst thing that can happen to a person. Dr. Harley places it right up there with sexual assault or the death of a child, In your case, you don’t even remember it, which means you were black out drunk. That adds to his fear because you are very destructive when you drink.

That leads me to a couple of key questions. Are you an alcoholic? Do you still work with the man you slept with? Is he married? If so, has his wife been told what happened? What kind of occupation do you have where it is acceptable to behave like this? You mention losing your job but that part is not clear.

If you can answer those questions, I can help you put together a plan.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Hello sad, welcome to Marriage Builders. Are you married? How old are your kids?

One reason that your husband thinks it is important that you feel the pain he is feeling is so he would have assurance you wouldn’t do to this to him again. This is the absolute worst thing that can happen to a person. Dr. Harley places it right up there with sexual assault or the death of a child, In your case, you don’t even remember it, which means you were black out drunk. That adds to his fear because you are very destructive when you drink.

That leads me to a couple of key questions. Are you an alcoholic? Do you still work with the man you slept with? Is he married? If so, has his wife been told what happened? What kind of occupation do you have where it is acceptable to behave like this? You mention losing your job but that part is not clear.

If you can answer those questions, I can help you put together a plan.
MelodyLane, thank you for taking a time to read my post. Yes I'am married and have 2 daughters, a 16 and 13 years old. I would never do that again to him for sure.
I'm not alcoholic and I barely drink. this was just an out of character night where I was tempted to try different types of drinks.
I left my job mainly because i was embarrassed. the man was single. that behavior was never acceptable. the incident happened after we were done with the work conference.

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Thanks for your answers. Have you ever been black out drunk before? How often do you drink? You said you “barely” drink. Does that mean infrequently?

My suggestion would be to go to your husband with a plan that effectively affair proofs your marriage. He has to be assured that this will never happen again. And that does not mean making promises. That means making permanent changes so this can’t ever happen again, changing the conditions that led to your affair. That might mean never drinking when he is not there, never spending the night apart again, giving him full access to all of your devices.

The 2nd part of the plan would be to create a romantic, integrated marriage where both your needs are met.

The objective of the plan is to affair proof your marriage and make you both so happy in the present that your minds don’t go to the tragedy of the past. Your husband can heal from this if he follows this plan. The plan does work. He just doesn’t believe he can get over this. But he can, and we can help him. Do you think he would come here and talk to us?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Do you ever see this man? Ever communicate with him in ANY WAY?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Thanks for your answers. Have you ever been black out drunk before? How often do you drink? You said you “barely” drink. Does that mean infrequently?

My suggestion would be to go to your husband with a plan that effectively affair proofs your marriage. He has to be assured that this will never happen again. And that does not mean making promises. That means making permanent changes so this can’t ever happen again, changing the conditions that led to your affair. That might mean never drinking when he is not there, never spending the night apart again, giving him full access to all of your devices.

The 2nd part of the plan would be to create a romantic, integrated marriage where both your needs are met.

The objective of the plan is to affair proof your marriage and make you both so happy in the present that your minds don’t go to the tragedy of the past. Your husband can heal from this if he follows this plan. The plan does work. He just doesn’t believe he can get over this. But he can, and we can help him. Do you think he would come here and talk to us?
Drinking wine occasionally, and was never blacked out. the incident happened in Las Vegas after mixing up several drinks in 3 different locations.
If i could convince my husband to give me a chance to prove him I would never do it again I would do anything to save my family I would give up water not just Alcohol.

Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Do you ever see this man? Ever communicate with him in ANY WAY?
if you are talking about my former college, I haven't talked to him since last June after I had to wake him up I asked him how it happened then asked him to leave. he tried to apologize first by text message and then at work in person I just asked him to leave me alone and to never talk to me and that was it.

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Can you respond to the rest of my comments? Thanks.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Thnks MelodyLane, I thought I answered all of your questions, can you specify what comment you want me to respond to?

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Originally Posted by SadHeghnar
Thnks MelodyLane, I thought I answered all of your questions, can you specify what comment you want me to respond to?

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My suggestion would be to go to your husband with a plan that effectively affair proofs your marriage. He has to be assured that this will never happen again. And that does not mean making promises. That means making permanent changes so this can’t ever happen again, changing the conditions that led to your affair. That might mean never drinking when he is not there, never spending the night apart again, giving him full access to all of your devices.

The 2nd part of the plan would be to create a romantic, integrated marriage where both your needs are met.

The objective of the plan is to affair proof your marriage and make you both so happy in the present that your minds don’t go to the tragedy of the past. Your husband can heal from this if he follows this plan. The plan does work. He just doesn’t believe he can get over this. But he can, and we can help him. Do you think he would come here and talk to us?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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MelodyLane has given you excellent advice. You will find all of the advice of Dr. Harley to be accurate, helpful, and effective. It will be effective and good for your husband, too, if he is willing to come here.

Along with changing the conditions which led to your affair, your husband likely needs to know what those conditions were, and why you accepted conditions which could lead to an affair.

Your effort to rebuild your marriage will not be brief, and it will not be easy. It will require 100% commitment on your part. I believe your marriage can be rebuilt, and that you have come to a "right" place to get advice here.




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Are you working now? Does your job require overnight travel?


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by SadHeghnar
God had other plans for us. A year a go I got myself intoxicated whilst in a work trip and ended up allowing a work college to my hotel room.

No, I'm certain that God did not cause you to miss your anniversary celebration. It wasn't the will of God that you got yourself intoxicated, or that you allowed a colleague to your hotel room. One of the main keys to your recovered marriage is that you must "own" your actions, which were not a result of victimization.

The will of God is for you and your husband to have a blessed and fruitful marriage. There may have been a perturbation along this way, but God can..... God can restore your marriage....and God does not "have plans" for you which are not in keeping with His will.....

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Can you respond to the rest of my comments? Thanks.
Thanks MelodyLane, I'll try to do better this time. How can I make any plans with him when he is refusing to talk to me. He disappeared for 6 months, literally vanished then when he came back he made it clear it was only for his daughters. I thought our marriage was what you called it Affair proofed, we were both committed to each other and enjoyed each other,
To explain the conditions that led to my affair I will have to take you years back, There is only one condition by the way. I've known my husband since I was a kid. I have always had a crush on him, but never thought in a million years he would ever have any interest in me. I used to feel jealous when I was seeing girls in school and in our community were all over him, but in my head I was no where to compete for him. Only his sisters knew about my crush on him and they told him. When he told them that he liked me too I was swamped. I still couldn't believe it even if it was clear that he had interest on me. We both grew up in a strict orthodox christian families where dating was only accepted if there was an intention of commitment. the fact that our families were very close to each other made it hard for us to hide our relationship and he finally asked for my hand. 2 years after that we were married then a year later we were pregnant. I could not believe how fast things went by. what didn't change in all that though is I still couldn't believe he chose me, I still wasn't confident I would win him if it was a competition. I was glad it was not. I wanted to impress him by being the ideal wife. I wasn't pleased by just being me instead I wanted to be a model for him and our families. you are probably wondering what all this has to do with what happened last June. I had one opportunity to not force myself to be the ideal wife, daughter and mother and took it. I just wanted to have little fun for me, wanted to drink and dance and be wild for few hours, I had no intention on sleeping with my colleague or anybody else. what would I? comparing my husband to my colleague would be an insult. I used to think that it wasn't fair that one mistake would cost this much but now I understand it better.
My husband and I have always had access to each other's email and Facebook, my phone is not even locked I never had anything to hide.
do I think that my husband would come here? Unless he looses his memory. he doesn't even believe in going to church anymore.

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Are you working now? Does your job require overnight travel?
No I'm not working, I had few interviews that were cancelled because of the Covid19, I hope I can start before the end of summer.

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Prior to the ONS, was there any behavior, conversation or texts with the single man that would have made your husband jealous?
I ask because rebuilding a marriage requires a foundation of trust. And trust requires total honesty as to what happened during the conference.
And your husband will eventually ask you.

BTW: you don't have to answer here on this forum. It's something you need to prepare yourself for.

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Originally Posted by SadHeghnar
I'm new here, and have never done anything like this before, I can't believe that I'm sharing this in a public forum but a friend suggested this site for me.
My life has turned upside down exactly a year ago, I never thought I'd be in this situation loosing everything I cherished, the love of my husband, my job and my family's respect. It's a very long and complicated story of a happy marriage destroyed by one crazy night. I never thought that we would be separate from each other during our 18th anniversary which was 3 months ago. we've celebrated all our anniversaries with romantic getaways and had planned for a bigger celebration for the 18th but God had other plans for us.

No, God did not ordain this. God's plan would be for the husband and wife to be faithful to each other for a lifetime, and to continue to grow their love as long as they both live. So please do not suggest that it was God's plan for you to be apart on your 18th anniversary nor was He involved in your unfaithfulness. That is purely and 100% your personal responsibility and your human sinfulness.

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A year a go I got myself intoxicated whilst in a work trip and ended up allowing a work college to my hotel room. I swear i don't recall consenting to any sexual behavior or even remembering it until I woke up few hours later with him naked on my bed. I was disgusted at myself and still hate me for that till today.

So I'm curious. How long was the work trip? Was it one or two days? Or was it like a week away from the family? Were spouses invited? My husband often comes with me on work trips and while I work...he vacations. Did your hubby come along? Why or why not? If you don't usually drink to intoxication at home or while at work (you said you usually drink a glass of wine), why did you drink so much this time? Was anyone else there? Was it like a conference or company training kind of trip...or a sales kind of trip? If you were with a bunch of people/colleagues, how did you end up alone or paired up with your other man? Why did you allow him in your hotel room? Even if you don't recall consenting, did you flirt with him all night? Did you focus on him all night? Did your actions indicate interest all night? How did you get naked?

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The second biggest mistake I made is that I confessed to a closed circle of friends and family but not to my hubby. he eventually found out 3 months later and that's when the life I once had literally ended.


Yep, and I think the sooner you accept that the natural consequence of committing adultery is that "the way it was" is over, the quicker you can move on to possibly restoring your marriage. "The way it was" lead to cheating, so you don't want it to go back to "the way it was"--you want to build something ENTIRELY NEW. On this site, there are many good options to start, but what I often hear from people is that they are trying to do all this loving stuff for their hurting Betrayed Spouse (BS) but it feels like they are spinning their wheels and never getting ahead. Know why? Think of love like a bucket, instead of a bank. You are doing the things that add love (like adding a cup of water to the bucket)...but at the same time, there are HOLES in the bucket (love busters) so the water just pours right out. Instead of concentrating on the "add love" things--concentrate on the holes in the bucket!

How do you do that? Simple. Look up the love busters on this site (https://www.marriagebuilders.com/love-busters.htm). Think of them like "Am I doing this?" and not so much about whether your BS is doing them or not right now. Look at "the man in the mirror" and take a fearless moral inventory of yourself. I bet the #1 one that is driving him nuts right now is Dishonesty. Are you being honest with him and sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings even though it's risky? How can he tell? He can't tell because of your words, I can tell you that! Do your words and your actions match? Do you say one thing and then do another with some "reason" (aka "excuse") to justify why you didn't follow through on your word? If so, then that is the love buster of Dishonesty. It's just a place to start, but I'd start with that one...and there are four more!

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Hubby was devastated and went into a cycle of exasperation and chagrin.He isolated himself from everyone including his daughters, his family and friends, he went from being the most loving social being to a cold wall, I tried all I could to talk to him to help him to show him how sorry I was but he wanted nothing from me He ended up leaving and shutting down all his family and friends including his kids and mom. no calls or texts for almost 6 months, he was still paying the bills and that's how we knew he was still alive, 2020 has been a disastrous year for all of us. I had multiple panic attacks and developed many heath issues that I never had, but the worst part was being in a limbo of not knowing what to do.

So he just up and disappeared, huh? From you, his children, and his own family and friends? That seems odd. I mean, let me ask this: did he get along with his own family before this happened, or was he always distant from them? Most of the time, blood is thicker than water and family members "don't want to get involved." Or they stick with the one that is their kid, even if the kid is the one committing adultery. Did his family stick up for him? Did he have anyone to lean on or support him through this devastating time? Who helped him? Do you even know who he turned to? Learning that the love of your life, the partner with whom you wanted to build a life and a family, has betrayed you and committed adultery is about the most painful thing in the world that can occur. Accepting it is HORRIFIC. Who did he turn to? Did he have church family to support and encourage him maybe? Who was on his side?

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fast forward to now. My husband is finally back home but he doesn't want anything from me. he said he is back for his kids only. I see him sad and broken but he doesn't want me to help. he doesn't trust me not because of what was done, but he said because I can never feel his pain. I know I can help him I've known him for almost all our lives and as couple for 20 years, how can I convince him to just give me a shot? one shot that's all I want I'm confident I can restore his love and trust. What he doesn't realize is that I'm too broken and in sever pain. The gilt of hurting him, my kids and the whole family is overwhelming, No one other him can help me cope, he is the only person on this planet that can hold my hand walk me to the other side of all this. I'm missing him terribly but he doesn't see it and I'm not in a position to tell him anything at least not right now.

So he's back home? Good! Being together would be an easier way of demonstrating to him with your actions that you are willing to recover. He said he's back for the kids only and he doesn't want your help. So are you respecting this or are you trying to "straighten him out" and give you what YOU want and telling him how wrong he is? If so, that's another love buster: Disrespectful Judgement. You may have been with him longer than any other person on the planet, and you may have known him more intimately (emotionally) than another other, but it sounds to me like he is asking to be heard about HIS sadness and pain, but what I read in your paragraph is quite a bit about you...how broken you are, how much pain you're in, how much guilt you feel, how much you miss him.

This wasn't something that was "done to you" but rather a choice you made that has some serious natural consequences. They are painful and you don't like to feel the pain of your decisions. Especially when you write about how you just wish he'd give you a second chance--think of it like this: your marriage was an entity of it's own. You were/are a whole person as an individual--he was/is a whole person as an individual--and your marriage was (note: past tense only here) an entity of the RELATING of the two of you individuals! Now, after making the decision to sleep with another man on a trip that was supposed to be for work, the natural COST of that choice is that your marriage "the way it was" IS DEAD. It is no longer alive. It is a corpse. And you are trying to convince him to let you do CPR on a corpse. The natural cost of adultery is very painful: the marriage dies.

But (and this is a GIGANTIC but), it is possible to recover after adultery. I am living proof of this. It starts with radical honesty, and by that, I mean do not try to hide ANYTHING from your husband. From this point forward, not only is he "allowed" to see the Real You warts and all, but he is INCLUDED in everything in your life. Start by being transparently honest, which means letting him see through those false images you put forth to the public...to see the Real You. Start also with changing yourself and your own heart. Instead of looking at marriage from the point of view of "What can he do for me?" (like "he can help me not hurt so much" "he can spare me some of this pain" "he can help me not feel so lonely")...look at this NEW marriage from the point of view of "What can I do for him?" Start with honesty. Start with transparency. Start with changing your own inner man. Start with studying biblical marriage on your own by reading the Bible! Start with a servant heart of honoring your vow to love and honor.

If you have any questions, I would be happy to talk with you more about things I did to recover.

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Originally Posted by Robert22205
Prior to the ONS, was there any behavior, conversation or texts with the single man that would have made your husband jealous?
I ask because rebuilding a marriage requires a foundation of trust. And trust requires total honesty as to what happened during the conference.
And your husband will eventually ask you.

BTW: you don't have to answer here on this forum. It's something you need to prepare yourself for.
Thanks Robert, No there was never any behavior from me or the single man that would make my husband jealous except, that I allowed him to come to my room. We were a group of 10 people that night not just the 2 of us, at one point we were all dancing and the single man tried to hold my hand but I amicably rejected his approach. and that was it I swear.

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Originally Posted by SadHeghnar
Thanks MelodyLane, I'll try to do better this time. How can I make any plans with him when he is refusing to talk to me. He disappeared for 6 months, literally vanished then when he came back he made it clear it was only for his daughters. I thought our marriage was what you called it Affair proofed, we were both committed to each other and enjoyed each other,
To explain the conditions that led to my affair I will have to take you years back,


I had one opportunity to not force myself to be the ideal wife, daughter and mother and took it. I just wanted to have little fun for me, wanted to drink and dance and be wild for few hours, I had no intention on sleeping with my colleague or anybody else. what would I?

The conditions that led to your affair were a) drinking and b) spending the night away from home.

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My husband and I have always had access to each other's email and Facebook, my phone is not even locked I never had anything to hide.

That's good! But the conditions led to your affair have to be addressed too. And that would be drinking and spending the night apart.

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I had one opportunity to not force myself to be the ideal wife, daughter and mother and took it. I just wanted to have little fun for me, wanted to drink and dance and be wild for few hours, I had no intention on sleeping with my colleague or anybody else. what would I?

Just so you know, this is pretty classic thinking of people who sacrifice. People who sacrifice tend to keep score and when the score is not even, they become resentful. It sounds like some of that is going on here. As you can see, the thinking that led to your sacrifice has almost destroyed your marriage. We don't believe in sacrifice at Marriage Builders. It is a disaster. We believe in learning to meet each other's needs in a way that makes you both happy.

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do I think that my husband would come here? Unless he looses his memory. he doesn't even believe in going to church anymore.


So this is where you should start. Compose a letter and send it via email outlining your plan to affair proof your marriage and to create a romantic marriage that makes you both happy. Since he wants to stay together "for the kids," wouldn't the ideal situation be for you to have a fantastic marriage? I would start thinking about how you can frame your plan to him but start off by saying that you understand now what led to the affair, naming the 2 things I mentioned, and commit to never doing that again. You must let him know this will never happen again, BECAUSE YOU HAVE TAKEN ACTION STEPS TO ELIMINATE THE CONDITIONS THAT LED TO THE AFFAIR.

If you would think on this and post your letter, we can give you feedback. The letter should be short, concise and sincere. I think you are still confused about what happened, so please consider what I said about the conditions that led to your affair.

What have you told him was the cause of the affair? How have you framed it up to him?

And lastly, Dr Harley does not believe that a spouse who has had an affair should endure perpetual punishment. You should offer to fix your marriage but if he won't take you up on that offer, you should not stick around because it will tear you down emotionally for no purpose.


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Originally Posted by SadHeghnar
I had one opportunity to not force myself to be the ideal wife, daughter and mother and took it. I just wanted to have little fun for me, wanted to drink and dance and be wild for few hours, I had no intention on sleeping with my colleague or anybody else. what would I?

Translation: I have given and given and given and now it is my turn to TAKE!! 👈🏻 This type of thinking leads to destructive behavior; which you already know.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley is the book you need to follow this plan. [you can buy it on amazon for kindle] I will post a couple of articles that address affair recovery.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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