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**EDIT**
Moderator's note: please familiarize yourself with Dr. Harley's material on this subject before posting again! His articles and radio clips on this subject are very clear. Email me with any questions.
Last edited by Denali; 06/20/20 08:56 AM. Reason: TOS taking quotes out of context
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In no way does the compensation that Dr Harley describes involve covering every last word and act of the affair. Of course your husband needs to know what happened, with whom, and under what circumstances. If your explanation here is the truth, and you have told your husband what you've told us, there does not seem to be anything else to tell. If you had a relationship with OM before or after that night, you need to tell the truth because your husband deserves to know this before attempting recovery. If you do not tell him, the truth will inevitably emerge later, as it did here: I confessed to a closed circle of friends and family but not to my hubby. he eventually found out 3 months later and that's when the life I once had literally ended. And if a lie emerges later, your recovery, and your marriage, will be over for good. However, if you did not have a relationship with OM before or since that night, then searching for what aspect of your personality allowed you have sex with him is pointless introspection, as is reflecting on every last detail of the affair - for both you and your husband. Compensation does not mean that you treat the affair as if it never happened, because, as I discussed above, Dr Harley shows that to do so would be bad for you and bad for the marriage. The marriage is unlikely to recover if you try to do that. However, compensation does not mean that you focus on the details of the affair ever again, now that the main details are already known. If you focus on those details now or in the future, you will keep the horror of the affair ever present in your interactions. Recovery cannot happen if you do that.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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There are some great radio clips in What is Just Compensation?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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If you focus on those details now or in the future, you will keep the horror of the affair ever present in your interactions. Recovery cannot happen if you do that. Like Sugarcane said, the details about the affair should be shared with your husband if that has not happened. He has a right to all the facts. It sounds to me like that has happened. If it has, the affair should never be brought up again. Bringing up the affair drags out recovery and keeps the tragedy of the past in the present. Some couples make the mistake of going to counseling and focusing on the past, which is a distraction from marital recovery: "One of the reasons I'm not so keen on dredging up the past as a part of therapy is that it brings up memories that carry resentment along with them. If I'm not careful, a single counseling session can open up such a can of worms that the presenting problem gets lost in a flood of new and painful memories. If the goal of therapy is to "resolve" every past issue, that seems to me to be a good way to keep people coming for therapy for the rest of their lives. That's because it's an insurmountable goal. We simply cannot resolve everything that's ever bothered us.
Instead, I tend to focus my attention on the present and the future, because they are what we can all do something about. The past is over and done with. Why waste our effort on the past when the future is upon us. Granted, it's useful to learn lessons from the past, but if we dwell on the past, we take our eyes off the future which can lead to disaster.
I personally believe that therapy should focus most attention, not on the past, but on ways to make the future sensational."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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**EDIT**
Moderator's note: if you have an issue with the MB program, feel free to email Dr Harley at his radio show. The purpose of this forum is to help posters understand the MB program. It is inappropriate to disrupt someone's thread with your personal issues.
Last edited by Denali; 06/20/20 03:14 PM. Reason: TOS - posting Non MB Material
A great sinner covered by the grace of a greater Savior
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**EDIT**
Moderator's note: don't disrupt this thread again. If you have a personal issue with Marriage Builders, you can email Dr. Harley. This thread is to help the OP, not a platform for you to use for your personal issues. Don't do it again.
Last edited by Denali; 06/21/20 02:31 PM. Reason: TOS disrupting thread
A great sinner covered by the grace of a greater Savior
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To all posters:
A help thread is NOT the place to debate MB principles. When a poster asks for help, especially when they are in distress, they have every right to expect every post to be directed to them offering Marriage Builders help. Questioning other posters on the Marriage Builders principles is a disruption to the thread, and is inconsiderate to the thread starter.
Dr Harley is the best person to debate the principles of Marriage Builders. You can reach him at...mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. Thank you.
MBDenali@gmail.com
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Sad, what an awful thing to happen. I’ve been away for a while and just read this today. What happened? Have you and your H gotten any help? Do you listen to the radio show? That helps me a lot too in learning these ideas. You mentioned anger in your marriage and this can help a lot with that too.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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