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Thank you. I really appreciate the advice. This has been very helpful.

There are some specific questions I could use advice on, and oh boy could I use some help, but I am uncertain about how much information I should share here. My wife knows that I like Marriage Builders and I'm not sure whether she might check this website. Do you have any perspectives on that or any suggestions?

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My plan for the next 24 hours is (1) I will write a draft of a proposed plan for myself, (2) I will share my draft here, (3) I will email Sandy & Dr Harley to ask for their assistance with it, (4) I will practice with my biofeedback meter for 30 minutes tomorrow, (5) I will write my wife an email, and express affection and gratitude. I would like to call a member of my family to confess where I have gone wrong and ask him if he would be open to helping provide me accountability for following through on the commitments in my plan.

Actions taken today: I practiced with my biofeedback meter for a half an hour. Earlier this week I made arrangements with a friend to be accountable for practicing for 30 minutes for 3 times over the coming week. That's not enough; I think that needs to be 30 minutes every day. Do you have any thoughts on that? I did a bunch of reading on the forums today, read part of another book from Dr. Harley that I hadn't read before, and some other stuff. I wrote a draft email to Sandy & Dr Harley, but I'm planning to sleep on it overnight and look over it tomorrow before I send it. I prayed briefly.

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Here's my current plan:

1. I will practice with a bio-feedback meter for 30 minutes every morning, 8:00-8:30am. I've asked a friend to provide accountability for me for meeting this commitment.
2. I will write daily to my wife, with the goal of trying to provide affection, admiration, and build connection, describe my life, and describe the steps I'm taking to learn to be a
more caring husband; without expectation of response. I've asked a relative to provide accountability for writing daily.
3. I commit to radical honesty, except regarding snooping. I will use my daily email to reveal myself.
4. I will continue to abstain from porn and masturbation and participate in addiction recovery group (weekly) to help me address this and to hold myself accountable.
5. I will eliminate lovebusters and track any that occur. I will continue to attend anger management group (weekly) to hold myself accountable and individual therapy (twice weekly) to help me understand these and other faults and correct them.
6. I will snoop.
7. I will ask at work to have my workload at work reduced for the coming year, so that I can have more time for addressing these important issues.
8. I will talk to my family members about my failures and faults, so that I can't hide them.

I worry this might be lacking. Any feedback?

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Prisca, I replied on the other thread - would welcome your thoughts there.

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I would welcome any creative ideas for how to snoop (a) for someone who is living separately, (b) in a two-party consent state, (c) given that physical contact seems less likely given the distance. I have one or two ideas but it's a pretty short list. I'm unsure whether it is wise to say more.

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Originally Posted by FanPalm
I would welcome any creative ideas for how to snoop (a) for someone who is living separately, (b) in a two-party consent state, (c) given that physical contact seems less likely given the distance. I have one or two ideas but it's a pretty short list. I'm unsure whether it is wise to say more.


first thing to do is contact the OBS.

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Please stick to one thread.


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Did you send your email to Sandy or Dr. Harley?


FWW/BW (me)
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2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by FanPalm
My wife recently advised me that she was talking to an old ex-boyfriend (B) of hers on the phone, and that B's wife heard my wife talking to B and accused B of cheating with my wife and threatened to post everywhere about it. My wife says B's wife is delusional and they've had a difficult relationship for some time (which is consistent with what she has mentioned to me years ago, so this is not coming out of the blue).
.


B's wife threatened to expose. That is why your wife is framing the narrative to you. Most women don't appreciate their husbands talking to old girlfriends and not because they are "delusional;" but because it is highly INAPPROPRIATE! Your wife has poor boundaries around men.

And how does it help B's "difficult relationship" with his wife for your wife to be talking to him? crazy


What did the OM's wife have to say about all this?


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I sent my email to Sandy, for her and Dr Harley's use. I don't have a direct email address for Dr Harley.

I have obtained some information which suggests that you have raised valid concerns. I am not sure how much I should disclose here, especially about sources and methods, when I'm not sure whether who might be reading this. If you have any advice on that, I would welcome it.

My wife called me and told me she just got off the phone with OM. My wife told me that OM's wife had mentioned to OM about the date of me moving out, which my wife had not mentioned to OM. My wife asked how OM's wife knew that and expressed concern that someone has hacked one of our accounts, maybe our calendars. In the middle of the conversation she cuts me off and says OM is calling and takes OM's call. An hour later she called back to ask me if I have spoken with OM's wife. I said I don't want to answer that question. She asked why repeatedly. I said that I am confused and I don't understand what is happening and I'm starting to think maybe I need to talk to OM's wife and I want to be free to talk to OM's wife without setting a precedent that I'll answer that question. She asked some more and tried several variations of trying to get me to answer or told me that I'd lose her trust if I didn't answer (or something to that effect), I went back to repeating that I don't want to answer that question. I wish I had given a crisper answer that I'm not going to answer that question, a concise explanation, and left it at that without continuing that line of conversation. Did I do that right or wrong? Would you recommend that I reveal to my wife whether I have spoken to OM's wife, in response to her direct questions?

OM lives hundreds of miles away.

Shortly after that, I lost access to her calendar. I suspect she changed her password.

Regarding your statement about boundaries, I have reason to believe my wife spends time walking socially one-on-one with one or more other men. I asked her not to spend time alone with another man, and for a while she agreed not to, but after a while stated she would no longer follow that. She told me I have nothing to worry about; she mentioned that one is very old and the other is married.

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We've asked a couple of times about talking to OM wife, and you haven't answered. Is there some reason why you're not speaking to her, or why you're not answering us?


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Originally Posted by FanPalm
I sent my email to Sandy, for her and Dr Harley's use. I don't have a direct email address for Dr Harley.

My wife called me and told me she just got off the phone with OM. My wife told me that OM's wife had mentioned to OM about the date of me moving out, which my wife had not mentioned to OM. My wife asked how OM's wife knew that and expressed concern that someone has hacked one of our accounts, maybe our calendars. In the middle of the conversation she cuts me off and says OM is calling and takes OM's call. An hour later she called back to ask me if I have spoken with OM's wife. I said I don't want to answer that question. She asked why repeatedly. I said that I am confused and I don't understand what is happening and I'm starting to think maybe I need to talk to OM's wife and I want to be free to talk to OM's wife without setting a precedent that I'll answer that question. She asked some more and tried several variations of trying to get me to answer or told me that I'd lose her trust if I didn't answer (or something to that effect), I went back to repeating that I don't want to answer that question. I wish I had given a crisper answer that I'm not going to answer that question, a concise explanation, and left it at that without continuing that line of conversation. Did I do that right or wrong? Would you recommend that I reveal to my wife whether I have spoken to OM's wife, in response to her direct questions?


Did you call the OMW??? Or not?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Yes - I have spoken to OMW. I recognize that it may be hard to help without full information. The reason is the one that I've listed above. I am unsure whether my wife may be reading these forums and how much it would be wise to discuss here. What would be your advice about that?

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I think you should just stop being afraid and seek the help you need. What happened when you spoke to OMW?


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Alright. I do need help, and you've called it, I am afraid. OMW told me that my wife and OM have been in regular daily contact by texts or emails or phone since around the time my wife asked me to move out; that OMW has asked it to stop but it apparently hasn't; and that the police have custody of OM's devices.

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Does she have reason to believe there is an affair taking place?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Oh dear. That is an obvious question that I didn't think to ask. Any others that it would be helpful for me to ask, while we're at it?

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Originally Posted by FanPalm
the police have custody of OM's devices.

Why?


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Good question. My understanding is that OMW had OM's devices seized for analysis, but I don't know whether I understood that correctly. Sounds like another one I need to get clearer on.

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Originally Posted by FanPalm
Good question. My understanding is that OMW had OM's devices seized for analysis.

For analysis of what? Is he a criminal suspect?


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