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#3013535 07/09/20 01:24 PM
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So there is no affair. Let me get that out of the way first.

Now on to some udpates:

As you know, she came home in May and told me she was 'done'. She had made the decision to leave, move home to another state, and absolutely ruled out counseling. She felt trapped. She needed to get in a car and drive in one direction until she ran out of gas. She then agreed to counseling but said she wasn't doing it for her but for me and the kids.

We are now on day 39. Here is what has happened since:

-- our relationship continues to be friendly and very cooperative. In fact, we continued to have sex up until the separation outlined below -- however I could tell day to day that she was distant and cold when it came to hugs/kisses/saying she loved me, etc. She would say it back but not initiate it.
-- We went to counseling -- a faith based counselor-- and they recommended we do a therapeutic separation for 30 days. She came home after that and said she didn't think it was a good idea because it wasn't fair to me (I wouldn't be able to work on things and I'd be out of my home)
-- We went back to counseling the following week and proposed that instead she move into our detached pool house. The counselor agreed. She said the point of this was to give us time to work on ourselves with individual counseling and also to break her 'fight or flight' trapped feeling. So she asked her to slow her roll on moving to which she agreed.
-- After this meeting she ordered us a bunch of self help books like the 5 Love Languages and Crucial Conversations. That was her prerogative, not mine. Granted she hasn't finished the first book yet and I have...but she did order them.
-- A few days into the separation it became clear that this is HARD. We can't help but talk. We bump into each other and wind up chatting.
-- 5 days into the separation we called a time out and talked. She let me know that she is taking moving away off the table. She wants the kids to be able to finish school (3 years). So she says she isn't going to grab the first job offer and run. She also said this gives me the 'gift of time' when it comes to working on it. So giving her some space may have broken the fight or flight.
-- We also decided together that maybe we don't put a time table on her living across the patio and that instead we start some basic dating again to see if we can ignite the flame again. This is an idea we will float with the counselor in our checkup next Friday.

Our interactions are playful when we do bump into each other. We call each other neighbor. It's almost flirty. She says she's going to 'tell on me' for breaking the contract which of course is absurd because it's been both of us. In the same span of time, however, she's reiterated her current 'position' of being 'done'.

Additionally -- we have a big family vacation scheduled for the end of this month which she is excited about and determined to go through with.

Last edited by NeedingHelpLost; 07/09/20 01:25 PM.
NeedingHelpLost #3013536 07/09/20 02:42 PM
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I'm glad to hear that things are going well.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
NeedingHelpLost #3013537 07/09/20 03:26 PM
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With this new information -- where do I stand and how to I proceed?

NeedingHelpLost #3013538 07/09/20 03:59 PM
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You'll need to be a bit more specific. Where do you stand on what? What is the problem? - you haven't referred to one in this post. And how do you proceed on what? You seem to be following your counsellor's plan.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
NeedingHelpLost #3013539 07/09/20 04:06 PM
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Just to be sure.. How did you establish there's no affair with the ex-BF she's been talking to every day for the last six months?

NeedingHelpLost #3013540 07/09/20 06:28 PM
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I don't want to get completely into it...but I'm 99% sure.

SugarCane #3013541 07/09/20 06:42 PM
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Originally Posted by SugarCane
You'll need to be a bit more specific. Where do you stand on what? What is the problem? - you haven't referred to one in this post. And how do you proceed on what? You seem to be following your counsellor's plan.


Could you please answer SugarCane’s questions?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



NeedingHelpLost #3013549 07/10/20 06:51 AM
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The problem is that she is still stuck in the same place when it comes to me. She's indifferent. She's "done". It's been 40 days now since she came in and told me she wanted out. Several things have changed -- she is actually going to counseling though she says she hates counseling, she has taken moving away back home (aka running away) off the table which is something she said she was going to do at the FIRST opportunity back when she dropped the bomb.

The problem is that emotionally the needle hasn't moved. She hasn't cracked the door open for me for recovery. She now lives across the pool courtyard so it's harder for me to do acts of service for her -- which is her love language. She posts inspirational quotes that all have to do with individual goals, individual happiness, etc -- and of course I see these and it drains me. A few times in the past couple weeks she's referred to me as her 'good friend' -- which bothers me greatly as I've been downgraded into the friend zone. I haven't had a genuine love tank deposit in 40 days -- and I'm empty, alone, lost, and losing hope.

My teenage son sees my despair even though I try to shield them from it. He tells me that all the other needles have started to move other than the emotional -- and that I need to just give her this space over there and time and the other one will move. He's optimistic. I'm losing my hope. I don't know what to do from here.

Last edited by NeedingHelpLost; 07/10/20 06:57 AM.
NeedingHelpLost #3013551 07/10/20 07:35 AM
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Originally Posted by NeedingHelpLost
The problem is that emotionally the needle hasn't moved. She hasn't cracked the door open for me for recovery. She now lives across the pool courtyard so it's harder for me to do acts of service for her -- which is her love language. She posts inspirational quotes that all have to do with individual goals, individual happiness, etc -- and of course I see these and it drains me. A few times in the past couple weeks she's referred to me as her 'good friend' -- which bothers me greatly as I've been downgraded into the friend zone. I haven't had a genuine love tank deposit in 40 days -- and I'm empty, alone, lost, and losing hope.

But isn't your counsellor's plan supposed to address all this? Isn't it supposed to improve your relationship so that she wants to be with you?

Have you asked your counsellor how living separately will eventually lead to a rebuilding of love?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
SugarCane #3013552 07/10/20 07:46 AM
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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by NeedingHelpLost
The problem is that emotionally the needle hasn't moved. She hasn't cracked the door open for me for recovery. She now lives across the pool courtyard so it's harder for me to do acts of service for her -- which is her love language. She posts inspirational quotes that all have to do with individual goals, individual happiness, etc -- and of course I see these and it drains me. A few times in the past couple weeks she's referred to me as her 'good friend' -- which bothers me greatly as I've been downgraded into the friend zone. I haven't had a genuine love tank deposit in 40 days -- and I'm empty, alone, lost, and losing hope.

But isn't your counsellor's plan supposed to address all this? Isn't it supposed to improve your relationship so that she wants to be with you?

Have you asked your counsellor how living separately will eventually lead to a rebuilding of love?


She didn't really explain all that much -- other than she did want the separation to break her "fight or flight" reaction, that it would give us time to self reflect, and that each of our goals were so far apart (her leave, me work on it) that we needed the space. She asked her to "slow her roll" on moving away as soon as a job offer called from back home. Since she's taken moving off the table -- I guess that it has alleviated that.

The alternate plan that her and I thought of was for her to continue living over there for a time and me to start dating her again. Asking her out to do things like he's the good looking girl next door(take in mind her current state is that she just doesn't want the relationship anymore). This was an idea that her (wife) and I thought up to bring up to the counselor next Friday on our appointment. I don't even know if this is the right thing to do -- it worked for her mother and her husband in a similar way. One thing is for sure -- she's stubborn in her current position of being 'done'. But my son pointed out she was stubborn on the other things too (counseling/moving) and she moved off of those positions.

Side note: We have a family vacation coming up on July 30. A full blown beach/Disney trip. We are all looking forward to it because we love both of those things - but obviously that's going to be a bit weird in our current status.

Last edited by NeedingHelpLost; 07/10/20 07:55 AM.
NeedingHelpLost #3013553 07/10/20 09:09 AM
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Apparently, your counselor has a plan where being "separated" leads to rebuilding love. I would follow that plan. Ask the counselor how long that takes.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


NeedingHelpLost #3013554 07/10/20 09:11 AM
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Originally Posted by NeedingHelpLost
I don't want to get completely into it...but I'm 99% sure.



Did the counselor advise you to stop snooping and stop bringing up this extramarital relationship?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #3013555 07/10/20 09:44 AM
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by NeedingHelpLost
I don't want to get completely into it...but I'm 99% sure.



Did the counselor advise you to stop snooping and stop bringing up this extramarital relationship?


No. Nothing like that.

NeedingHelpLost #3013557 07/10/20 01:05 PM
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Originally Posted by NeedingHelpLost
So there is no affair. Let me get that out of the way first.


What happened to the OM that she was secretly talking to every day? Is she still speaking to him?


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
NeedingHelpLost #3013558 07/10/20 01:08 PM
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Originally Posted by NeedingHelpLost
I don't want to get completely into it...but I'm 99% sure.

Why don't you want to get completely into it?

I don't see how people can help you if they only have part of the story.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
NeedingHelpLost #3013601 07/13/20 01:30 AM
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Needing help Please don’t come down here to Disney at the end of this month the pandemic is horrible here. If you want to go to a beach please check where you’re going many cities the beaches are a risk with too many people too, they’re closed where I live. If you two can cancel and go somewhere safer it will eliminate a lot of anxiety and show her extraordinary care.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
SugarCane #3013659 07/19/20 03:46 PM
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Day 49?

The past week has been extremely good.

Last weekend we had a great Sunday -- with her actually grabbing and holding my hand for a time during church. We went on to spend the entire day together. Each day she's asked me to come to her place to hang out and watch TV. She's joined me for coffee before work in the early mornings. We both entered our counseling appointment afraid that we were going to get in trouble for totally failing on the no-contact, and started laughing when the counselor asked how the no contact was going. We didn't get in trouble and the counselor remarked how it was the first time she'd seen both of us smile since she met us. There was some more anger and tears in the session from her, but an overwhelmingly constructive one that we both felt good about. This weekend has been good. She invites me over more and more.....asks me to go to town with her. She has started tagging me in Facebook posts again. She hugs me and kisses me on the cheek most of the time when we say our goodbyes...but there is an occasional lips peck. The biggest thing I noticed since I now have read the Love Languages book -- is that while I was off picking up the kids yesterday she changed my trash, cleaned my coffee pot, and washed my dishes. All acts of service -- which is her language.

We still are at a pause in intimacy, but of course I understand why. Tomorrow she goes back to her individual counselor -- her anger management one. We are trending in the right direction though. I continue to help her any way I can with acts of service now that I understand her language.

Last edited by NeedingHelpLost; 07/19/20 03:52 PM.
NeedingHelpLost #3013660 07/19/20 09:26 PM
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Needing help the thing is meeting ENs will only help if you’ve truly ruled out an affair. And even in that case the MB program would consist of meeting her intimate ENs not DS. Do you listen to the radio show? Would you be willing to reach out to Dr. H? I saw a family member go through this last year, picking up slack at home while she met her OM.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NeedingHelpLost #3013664 07/20/20 08:21 AM
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NeedingHelpLost, do you have a question about the Marriage Builders program for the posters? This forum is intended for the Marriage Builders program, it is not a place to blog about other programs that are not supported or advocated by Dr Harley. Unless you have a question about Marriage Builders for the posters, I will be locking this thread.


MBDenali@gmail.com
NeedingHelpLost #3013665 07/20/20 08:40 AM
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It really would help us to provide advice if you were to ask questions about any problems you are having. In your last post, you describe things as going very well. It seems that affection is increasing between you. You spend time together and your wife no longer talks about leaving you. What, if anything, is the problem that you are seeking help with? I can't see one!


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.

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