Hello everyone - new user here going through a rough time with the love of his life. Thanks in advance for reading my story, but even if I fail to find an empathetic audience I can still get a little off my chest as I don't have anyone to talk to other than my wife about all this stuff so I appreciate a place I can write my thoughts.
Hello again, I am a 46 year old man who is married to his dream woman (39). We have been together 6 years, married 4. It is both our second marriage and represent a massive upgrade from our 1sts. We have a large blended family of 7 children ages 4-16. Over the past 10 years I have been fortunate to enjoy working from home. As such, I also became the primary childcare provider and homemaker. Roles I am not terribly suited for but I do my best with because I have job that allows for it where all other parents in the kids lives do not have such luxury. I do appreciate the time I get to spend with the children! However covid-19 has made things awfully challenging as I now also have to oversee 7 kids trying to do school from home while holding down a white collar job, managing the household, running errands....ugh. Its been tough and I haven't always handled it well.
I am a good man. I am a reasonably intelligent man. But I am (or at least was) not a very emotionally intelligent man. I have made enough mistakes over the years and I fear it may have cost me the dearest thing I ever had - which is my wife's love and affection.
A little about her: She has had a rough go. She was molested in early childhood, and again assaulted as a 12 year old. Her mother did not believe her claims and actually spread rumor about her being promiscuous ruining her reputation. My wife left her family household at age 16. She has a strained relationship with her mother to this day. She idolized her father, who passed nearly 5 years ago and has been enormous impact for her. She also lost her younger sister not two months later in a tragic bicycling accident. Her first husband was a jealous control freak and to this day tries to use the kids to hurt her because he is still angry about their split. Still, my wife is a strong woman who still manages to find something to laugh about every day! Her beauty is unmatched yet merely the tip of the iceberg as her character and quality runs deeper than most
But she is not as strong as she acts, she is not as strong as I assume her to be at times. She is naturally a tender hearted woman, I have come to learn also a highly sensitive woman, who's traumas in life have never been properly addressed leaving her perpetually wounded. She may act like a tough girl, but she needs extra gentle care of her heart. Her tough girl act can be convincing enough for me to forget how tender she truly is...but that is no excuse for me to get lazy and buy into the front I know is merely designed to camouflage her tenderness.
While most of the time I mean very well, I love fiercely and generous with my time and affection and am 100% devoted to her and our family....there have been mistakes made over the years that have hurt her. I do not consider myself an abusive person, but I can see how I have been verbally abusive at times...and times where I was neglectful.
Lets start with the worst incident: The day her father died she was 8 months pregnant...my wife had hoped he'd have a chance to meet the baby but alas he never would. She was distraught. I never got to meet the man, he was suffering cancer on the other side of the country when I met my wife and never had an opportunity to visit him. Before I knew it, I was flying her out to say her goodbyes before he passed. The day she got the news that he had passed, we decided we would attend a friend's wedding that evening to help provide a happy distraction. Instead, I got wasted drunk and made a fool of myself getting flirty touchy with the other ladies who were old acquaintances that my wife did not know very well. I have NEVER acted like that before and wildly embarrassed to the point I don't see any of those people any more. I had never been interested in any of those women in my life, nor have I ever acted such a fool in my life. But she didn't know that. All that she knew is I humiliated her and she lost the two most important men of her life on the same day. When she told me of my behavior the next day, I refused to believe her and fought her about it - further hurting her. She has a bit of a jealous streak and (from my perspective at the time) prone to over-reaction. So I was skeptical of her claims and I called one of my old beer buddies to ask him about my behavior. When he confirmed 'Yeah dude, you got a bit sloppy last night' I was horrified, embarrassed, remorseful....nothing I ever could say or do has been able to help heal this pain I caused her and we still both live with a bruise from this incident
But we carried on, our daughter was born the next month bringing her enormous joy. And then her sister was killed the month after that ripping a new wound into her.
I am ignorant to grief. In my mid-40s I have yet to suffer any significant loss so I find myself unequipped to support someone suffering a loss of someone important - and the fact I never had an opportunity to meet these people before they tragically died, I was even more at a loss of words. What can you say about people you don't know? Then almost year later, her grandmother dies. 3 important losses in less than a year?! I am trying to be supportive, she is crying hysterically so I say "Oh honey you are making a mess of yourself, here is a tissue" as I am trying to console her. She translates this as yet another grief failure...that I am so insensitive about her loss as to say she needs to 'pretty herself up' which was NOT AT ALL the point I was trying to make (which was to simply dry her tears)...its been held this way ever since. She now tends to think/expect the worst of me in virtually all ways.
Yet despite my flawed ability to provide grief support.. we continue on....life (at least from my perspective) is not bad at all. There is a lot of love and laughter and good times. Yes, we have our occasional hiccups...we both have tempers and can be loud but we also both communicate very well and had tremendous love and passion for one another which always smoothed tensions.
Summer of 2019 my wife fell deathly ill with a mystery condition that was never diagnosed. We spent thousands of dollars getting tests by specialists only to have them say "we thought it was (devastating disease) but all your tests have been negative now so.....we dunno what happened but we think you are ok" Needless to say this was not a satisfying conclusion....still to this day have no idea what smashed her like that or if it will ever come back again. All I knew is that if my wife physically exterts herself, she can put herself in the hospital...as this may have been the worst time, but wasn't the first time....so I was deeply alarmed
My wife used to be a workhorse of a woman but once she got ill I became very anxious to see her breaking a sweat. She had to continue working to help support her children from former marriage but I was determined to do the bulk of the heavy lifting around the house so that she could spend most of her free time relaxing and recovering. And since I work from home and we have a small army of helpers I thought it wouldn't be a problem.
Long story short....I became a tyrant about housework. I modeled myself after an old football coach I felt helped change my life for the better by installing discipline and work ethic. But my wife called me a drill instructor. Some of the kids were awesome and wanted to help contribute to help lighten the load of a 9 person household. But a couple of her kids were reluctant to contribute resulting in growing tensions between me and the kids who refused to help and would only trash the place instead. When covid happened and everyone is bottled up in the house all day and schooling from home...again we have some kids who are doing well...and some kids who are extremely reluctant to get their school work done. I am being held responsible and I got some kids who refuse to participate putting me in a tough spot. If I complain I ruffle feathers. If I don't complain, school work doesn't get done and I ruffle feathers. Ugh - cant win!
So I became increasingly bitter and resentful dad in general. Out of boredom, isolation, and desire to take edge off frustrating days at home...I began drinking more and more often until it was a near daily thing. This obviously wasn't helping the situation as it would make my personality unpredictable.
By Spring 2020 I officially realized I had become a miserable wreck of a man, my family was miserable...the harder I tried, the more frustrated I'd get, the more frustrated I'd get the more unhappy the family became. I recognized this wasn't a sustainable path...if I didn't change things and get my mind right I'd lose everything I cared about the most.
My first change was to cut out the drinking. That helped provide some clarity to focus on other changes I needed to make, perspective shifts I needed to make when I recognized that my family's happiness was far more important than my desire to control the household and make sure stuff got done. Yes, maybe my methods work great for career building but not so much for family building.
It was about this time I was rebooting myself, my wife confessed 'I love you, but I am not in love with you' and said she wanted a divorce. Displaying classic 'walk away wife' symptoms but I wasn't 'blindsided' because I had already realized I had created an unpleasant environment that needed to be changed before it was too late. But I was disappointed to realize that I should have gotten started on my changes even just 1-2 months earlier could have made all the difference in the world. I told her I had a plan in place for personal changes. Unfortunately my wife said it was indeed too late.
Flash forward a few months:
My wife filed for divorce nearly a month ago. She has not had the papers served. She told me she filed for divorce because she wants to be taken seriously. But she hasn't served papers (yet) because she really doesn't have a financial plan in place to move on (yet). I don't mind because every day she remains is an opportunity
My positive changes have continued, they are legitimate changes that are sticking because they are working for me and those I love. I have lost 40lbs from curbing the drink and embracing a healthier lifestyle and look/feel better than I have in ages, I have improved my outlook on life by purging negative thinking, I have improved my relationship with my children by choosing happiness instead of nagging about house or schoolwork. I am much more patient with everyone and I am a better listener than I was ever before. I am more calm and relaxed and light hearted and playful. AND my wife lost ANOTHER important person in her life a month ago - and I finally stepped up and supported her exactly as she needed. And my wife recognizes these changes...she is happy about them (stunned disbelief in fact! said she never imagined I could change and is astounded), however maintains that my changes are 'too late' and encourages me to continue with them only for the sake of the children as she is 'checked out' and that she cannot 'turn things back on once they have been switched off'.
But I am also getting mixed messages:
1.) We don't really fight or bicker. Those days seem long over. We are communicating better than we have in a long time and some of my changes are seeming to throw a wrench in her plans to divorce as she frequently admits to feeling confused and conflicted about divorce but also angry at why it took me such extremes for me to finally get motivated to change. She says it is unfair that only after she has cried her eyes out mourning the loss of our relationship and emotionally moving on - that I'd come rushing back asking to try again. There are days she claims divorce is vital importance for her personal development & spiritual growth and that she is excited about and looking forward to....and other days where she hints at a future together only to 'catch herself' and reverse course. She also has expressed concern that my changes may be disingenuous ploy to win her back and vanish once she agrees to try again. She remains highly skeptical and on guard.
2.) We spend a lot of time together enjoying one another's company. We are still quite good friends, we laugh and cry together and.....I seem more of a confidant than I ever been as she has been sharing more and more details of her past traumas in life in desire to heal from them. She also speaks at length of her spiritual development and shares a lot of intimate details and thoughts. I appreciate the opportunity to learn about her on a deeper level which is enabling me to better support her, and she certainly seems to appreciate my vastly improved listening ear. And its not just heavy topics she is pouring out but even the general daily chit chat...she seems to enjoy conversing with me as much as she ever did, if not more than she has in years.
3.) She refuses most all physical acts of affection and our sex life (once my wildest erotic dreams come true) is totally non-existent and has been for a good 6 months. BUT we sit *very close* to one another when hanging out, talking, or watching TV. We still sleep in the same bed together, she occasionally 'threatens' her sleeping in another room but whenever I ask her if she'd like me to find another room to sleep in she always declines and rather have me in bed with her...though she wont cuddle. And she is still very comfortable being nude or very scantily clad in my presence and is so on a regular daily basis.
She also has made it clear she remains physically attracted to me (not by compliments but flat out telling me so) and offers access to her phone or email if I have any doubts about her fidelity. (which I have none and do not feel compelled to snoop)
4.) She seems irritated with my changes and accused me of 'confusing the children'. I told her that I've been focusing on enhancing the children sense of love and stability in the household and I will not feel guilty for that because that is exactly what a loving and committed father should be doing. She asks me 'why weren't we worth these efforts in the past?' to which I say "you all were always worth every effort - I just needed to find a change of approach and do a better job - because you ARE worth it!" These type of responses seem to confound and upset her.
5.) When anxiety gets the best of me and I display needy behavior...it obviously turns her off. She will go in one of two ways; If its a good day between us she will angrily reassure me with examples of how she is indeed lowering some of her defenses - as if it is a great annoyance that I haven't noticed (I have, I am just impatient and want more). If its a more challenging day, she'll exclaim the guilt and pressure is one of the reasons she 'cant wait to get out of here!'
6.) Outside factors can play a huge role on how my daily experience with her might go or not. If she had a bad day at work (often), or if her ex is giving her headaches (very often) can totally undermine my efforts to be pleasant and positive as she'll reject it all and essentially make me the personification of all the things she is dissatisfied about in life. However if she has a day off, can unwind and relax....things can be much more comfortable and she seems a bit more receptive to me. Like last night (Sunday - day off) for example when she invited me to watch a romantic movie (of all things!) with her in bed. She allowed some cuddles towards the end but then as soon as the movie was over she withdrew again.
7.) I still use pet names with her, she responds well to them as she always did - and occasionally she'll use a term of endearment for me. But not sure if that is accidental/force of habit or intentional.
8.) She has made it obvious that the only reason she hasn't left yet is because she cannot afford it (yet). But her personal spending habits are not compatible with saving up for a move so I am not exactly sure what her timeline is. I honestly don't care because I don't want her to leave so every time I see a new amazon package for her on my doorstep I realize I have at least that much more time on my side.
I hate being in limbo-land. I don't want to project my bias into her behavior. But I'd also like to run it by some unbiased eyes to see if I am kicking a dead horse (her words) or if there really is some hope that we could get back on track and rebuild a much stronger and mature relationship as result of these trials (my hopes) She says she doesn't want to be forced, that she wants the idea of reconciliation to be her choice rather than succumbing to what I want because she is 'done being told what to do or how to live her life' (in all fairness, I tend to be very supportive of her life decisions and goals/dreams so I am not sure where she gets all that from)
So good people, my questions to you:
1.) Does this sound like a dead horse? I want to be a realist about the situation and I do take her thoughts and feelings very seriously. She has filed for divorce after all. But in the same light her actions don't always support her words leaving me equally as confused as she claims to be.
2.) Can anyone explain why a woman who says she no longer feels any love or passion for her husband, remains completely comfortable being nude and/or wearing skimpy outfits in his presence? And I don't mean accidental things like getting in the shower or when changing into clothes but a complete lack of modesty and openness as if there were no issues at all between us. The only difference is she now smacks my hands away when she once welcomed them.
Obviously I enjoy that she still has this sort of comfort with me and trying not to read too much into it. She obviously doesn't mind me looking..so, does she still want to be desired by me and this is her way to encourage me to stay the course? Or is it just because I have 'already seen it all' and she has no idea how it affects me? (But how could she not? She is a grown woman, not a clueless tease.) This is my second marriage, during my 1st divorce my ex wife went to great length to protect her modesty as if I were a stranger - and likewise I had no interest in looking anyhow. Polar opposite this time around leaving me wondering....
3.) It is moments when she is naked and close by my side and we are chatting away pleasantly for hours and I can literally feel positive energy flowing between us that makes me feel whole/sane/normal/happy again....but then I push my luck and go for a kiss or something which she strongly rejects sending me into a tailspin. Any tips on how to manage anxieties/clinginess/neediness so I don't let them get the best of me in her presence?
Last edited by Daddyto7; 08/31/20 03:02 PM.
