My name is hardtwood, and i'm hurting tonight.

Skipping to the end first -- i just confirmed by looking through my wife's chats that she is having an affair. Plans for trips abroad, images kissing, friends from the gym in full knowledge. I had suspected for some time, but did not want to believe that she would engage in an affair while we were married.

Backing up, we've been married 9 years, together since the summer we met in 2006 - 14 years ago. We have two beautiful children, ages 2 and 4, who are the love of BOTH of our lives. We've struggled in our marriage since our first child was born. My job required me to travel 1hr each way into the office for the last 7 years, and the time spent commuting, and stuck in traffic had definitely taken a toll. The last 2 years in particular were challenging as I was immensely stressed with work, home, and feelings of inadequacy as I tried and failed to manage them all, all while attempting to be promoted. My wife first brought up her feelings of discontentment 1 year ago+ just before the holidays. We reconciled, had time alone, and decided to begin trying to make some changes. One of which was looking to relocate, or change jobs to facilitate and ease our schedule. That, in combination with my many faults -- forgetfullness, starting more projects than i ever finish around the house, etc., let do further struggles. Enter COVID, and i was overjoyed for no commute, and had thought I was focusing on improving my attitude, attentiveness, and working to "fill her tank" so to speak. Turns out that shortly after the new year hit in 2020, my wife recently told me I had no shot of reconciling, and she wasn't interested. I am still trying to peel back the layers of hurt, the walls, and discover the timeline of how we ended up here.

Throughout this past summer, my wife had begun spending a significant amount of time at our gym (which is a small CrossFit community where people often befriend one another, and socialize, etc.) I was happy to give her space from the house, and encouraged her to hang out with friends and spend time outside in people's backyards, having bonfires, etc. She has become more distant, and at times was upset when I would also be present at the gym, or bring the kids by to all be together, etc. Several late nights, hanging out with older, single, male friends, etc. i challenged my wife on her behavior, and asked that she be cognizant of me, and how she was spending time alone with other men. All was dismissed. After one such occasion, she informed me that she did not want to be married any longer.

Since our 9th anniversary (to the day) in October, we had been sleeping in the same room, and were still being intimate. Ironically, our anniversary was the last day we were intimate. At the end of the day, my wife announced she thought we shouldn't sleep in the same bed anymore. I've been reeling ever since. We've entered into couples counseling, but of course that is not beneficial. Truthfully, and honestly, my wife outlined her goals at the onset as not reconciling, but simply learning to communicate better for the purpose of our children, as we are "forever connected".

She has since had papers prepared and sent via an online service, and perhaps seen a layer, but I have no knowledge of that. She has also been looking, unsuccessfully, to find her own appartment or townhome, that would be suitable for having our kids stay over as well. She has expressed as recently as yesterday how she's upset that she's the one that has to leave. In discussing our finances, she told me she is not requesting we sell the house, and is OK with me staying, and taking over the mortgage, as to keep our children's childhood home stable.

None of this makes sense. While it does, i'm utterly at a loss. Through much reading, prayer, and soul-searching, I'd be remiss if i did not mention that i wholeheartedtly acknowledge my shortcomings of not meeting her emotional needs. She had given me signs, but i was aloof. not beligerant, or unwilling. I love my wife dearly, and am in shambles, but had I known this is what she was heading for in her head, i would have done a full stop a long while ago. Had I only known ...

So back to this evening, i've officially confirmed an affair. She has long since stated "ILYBINILWY". Papers are in our home. She is looking for appartments.

I am willing to do anything to fix my marriage. She is my best friend. She is my wife. She is the mother of my children. And i simply will never be able to live with myself if i don't know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I tried everything in my power to heal us.

So ... the ask. What do i do now? Is my step Plan A? Should i remove the suitcase i placed on her pillow, and wait for another time to discuss this? Do i discuss with her family? Her mother and sisters have all been critical (to her dismay) of her intent to divorce. Even detrimentally so, as her mother has apparently gotten into heated arguments about her behavior.

So what now. Do i sit on this information? Do i allow her to know that I KNOW?

asking for guidance for a broken spirit ...

Welcome to MB and sorry for what has brought you here.

Who is the OM? Is he married? Do not say anything to her that you know, yet. How did you confirm who the other man (OM) is?

Yes you need to Plan A and a big part of Plan A is exposure. Have you read the exposure thread?

Also, please notify the MODS and have them move your thread to Surviving an Affair forum.

Read this Exposure 101

Yes, thank you for indicating the appropriate place. I've looked over both resources, but was not in tonight's mindset, and did not study then accordingly. I will do that.

As for the OM, he is older than we are (both 33), divorced, with 2 teenage daughters. He is a business owner, pilot, etc. They met at the gym, and spend much time together in a small group setting of her new close friends (5 people or so). I had my suspicious based on the fact that she has told me who she hangs out with in groups, and her feelings towards the other single guys, who i've met, and personally hung out with many times, are much more ... benign. I confirmed tonight by finding her still logged in to her messanging app on her laptop. Images of them hugging, cuddling, kissing, as well as detailed conversations about planning trips to Mexico, etc. The works.

Did you save the evidence and move it to where you only have access? Does she know you have this evidence?

Could you contact your doctor and get some temporary ADs and/or anti-anxiety meds to help you get through this?

I took several screenshots on my phone, one of which is a photo of them kissing. The history of me viewing everything has been deleted. It's enough for friends, family, and loved ones to be without question.

As for the meds -- I certainly appreciate where you are coming from, and appreciate the notion. For the last several weeks, I've begun to truly take to heart principles i've picked up on this site, as well as pointers from a few books i've been reading, and other programs that i've courted in the past weeks and months. While this blow is devastating, I am as determined as ever to reclaim my wife, or be satisfied that i "left it all on the court" so to speak. I have worked on changing my mental attitude for the better. Reduced my alcohol and caffeine intake, focused on my children, and finally bought some new pants.

I will; however, make it a point to reach out to my family at bit more, as they have been of the utmost support, even with the little i've shared with them thus far about our struggles in marriage. As I work to expose the affair, i have no doubt their support will be multiplied.

My only anxiety is obviously surrounding the exposure itself, and my fears of her reaction. Also that it will push her over, and she will demand I sign papers.

I totally understand about not taking the meds.

I highly recommend reading Dr. Harley’s Surviving an Affair. His plan is outlined very well.

So you understand Plan A?

Do you have the OM’s family contacts? You will need to expose to his side as well as your WW’s (wayward wife) side and yours. And yes you will find many that will support you.

I would not worry about her anger. Your marriage can survive her anger, but can’t survive an affair.

Can you go to OM’s social media and get his family’s and close friends information?

Have you read the exposure thread? That is what you need to concentrate on right now.

Also, can you get spyware on her devices so you can monitor if the affair truly ends?

Exposure is your most powerful tool to kill the affair. I have seen it many many times on this board. It works. You expose far and wide, friends, family, workplace and your children. Affairs thrive on secrecy. There is special guidance on this forum on what to tell your children.

Good luck my friend. You can do this.

I do not have the OM's family info. It's possible to maybe track down his ex-wife, but his children are later teens, and I'm not positive his parents are living. Workplace, common friends, family, etc. are all within reach. The secrecy is 100% fueling the fire. As my children are 2 and 4, I will need to tread carefully on how we discuss with them.

ps. what method would i use to contact the moderators to have this moved?

You need to figure out how to find the OM's family/friends contacts. Have you checked all social media? You need to expose all at one time, to his side and your WW's side.

Do they work together? I thought they met through the Gym? Is this a workplace affair?

It looks like the MODS already moved it to SAA, but if you needed to contact the MODS you hit the report button.

The 2 year old is too young, but Dr. Harley recommends exposing to 4yo. I will post the link to you.

Here Exposing to Children

Are you using the template from the exposure thread when you send out your exposure message?